BREAK'S OVER:

That's it Tebow, now you go fill that with Gatorade, keep TFB hydrated
and don't be worryin' none about actual football. We're good, we got this.

So… been a while. I see Tim Tebow became a Patriot while I was away. Also the Aaron Hernandez thing happened. And James Gandalfini's dead. And most recently George Zimmerman… whatever. How you been? You look real good. Seen Man of Steel yet? Well why not? Been out for a few weeks now. The fuck you waiting for? Well whatever, I don't care. See it, don't see it, makes no difference to me. Not here to talk about that shit anyway. Just thought I'd ask about it since I'm giving a nod to the real Superman… the one true man of steel, the Christopher Reeve version.

"If I squint really hard I can just about see the remains of my real parents."

Yeah, that's the Superman I know and love, played by an American, born and raised in NYC, bitches! Not like this new guy Henry Cavill whom, according to IMDB.com was born on the Bailiwick of Jersey, a British Crown Dependency in the Channel Islands, just off the coast of Normandy, France. For those who have no idea what that means or where the hell that is, allow me to illustrate with this helpfully handy map.

Understand now? Good. 

But like I was saying before I stopped to give you that free geography lesson… (BTW, you're welcome.) I'm thinking about the real Superman because of that time in the second movie where he went MIA for a while so he could spend a couple days going balls-deep in Lois Lane's filth patch while General Zod was basically doing the same to the rest of the country. 

"Oh God… okay, I can deal with this… SHIT! I know, kiss her so hard she forgets
that any of this ever happened. Yeah, that sounds reasonable." 

Turned out all right in the end though. Supes got back on the job and saved the day by going all Chris Brown on Zod. And later he gave Lois that roofie kiss that every man in the world wishes he could learn to do. Just before the credits roll he shows up at the White House with a new skylight to replace the one Zod broke when he dropped by and kicked the President's dog into orbit. Not sure if Superman ever retrieved the First Pooch from space, or if any of that shit ever really happened since I was pretty high when I saw the movie back in 1980… and every other time since. But I do recall what he says to the POTUS. The line goes something like: "Good afternoon Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again." 

"And if it's not too much trouble… could I borrow a couple of interns?" 

Now don't take any of that to mean I'm going to apologize for my absence or anything. I doubt anyone even noticed I was gone. Had a lot of shit happening, you know, what with the whole "real life" thing. (Stupid reality!) But I'm back now and we can start spending time together again if you'd like. And while I can't promise to not go away again, I can promise you that I'll be here at least until the end of this…