I should have had a bad feeling about this.
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all in my head.
The voices have been silenced,
I've been rendered brain dead.
~
A full month of holiday movies,
Mostly Hallmark Channel fare,
Have taken a toll on my senses.
My mental cupboard left bare.
~
I sit, verbally unresponsive,
Thanks to the damage that I've done.
Scaring the ever-living shit
Out of both my loving wife and son.
~
My boy is frantic and hysterical,
Voicing his concern and his worry.
My wife screams into her phone,
"Please, just get here in a hurry!"
~
Waiting for help to arrive,
The little man, he begins to cry.
He says, "Now Christmas is ruined!"
"All because Daddy's gonna die!"
~
My wife tries to calm him,
Gives him a present to unwrap.
And then when he's not looking,
She gives my face a quick slap.
~
Then she moves closer to me,
Whispers so my boy cannot hear,
"How could you do this to us, you bastard?"
She hisses in my good ear.
~
She's right in her anger,
Her venom, it is just.
This was a very, very bad idea.
My little pet project is a bust.
~
"'Twill be a Christmas movie advent calendar!"
I had crowed with such pride.
"I'll blog all about it, everybody."
"Won't you come on along for the ride?"
~
I did it all for a goof, for a laugh,
To be funny, but alas no such luck.
Seriously, what the hell happened?
This is a complete clusterf@%k!
~
Sitting here, staring blankly,
Reflecting on all the films that I took in.
Sure most of them were bad but I can't see…
Ooops, just drooled a little on my chin.
~
Perhaps it wasn't any one flick alone
That inflicted so much harm.
But maybe all of them together,
Accumulation had been the charm.
~
Still, after 23 of the things there'd been
No sign of neurological attack.
Number 24, that must have been the straw
That broke the f@%king camel's back.
~
Thought I had it made, so clever,
But really I should have known.
Holiday in Handcuffs screwed me, but good,
Should have left that damned film alone.
~
A real stinker about a chick with issues.
Lemme think, who played that part?
She was once Clarissa, then Sabrina…
Oh yeah, it was Melissa Joan Hart.
~
Desperate 'round the holiday,
To please her mom and dad,
Wants to finally bring home a fella.
So she does something really bad.
~
Kidnaps a guy at gunpoint
To pretend to be her beau.
Played by… well nothing rhymes with Lopez,
So let's just call him Mario.
~
At this point I'm gonna cheat a little.
A small liberty that I'll take.
But I'm writing this thing in verse you know,
So could you cut me a f@%king break?
~
Gonna refer you back to the DAY 1 entry,
Let Holiday Engagement summarize.
Since both tone and plot here were similar
To that which kick-started my demise.
~
In that film the chick hires an actor,
So they differ there, it's true.
Melissa abducted her faux boyfriend.
Besides that… really nothing new.
~
And with that we've come full circle,
I've got nothing left, there's no more.
Just as well since it seems there's an EMS crew
Barreling through my front door.
~
As they cart me off to the loony bin,
Safely restrained for my own sake.
There's something else I must share with you,
One last confession I have to make.
~
You see, I'm not really posting this.
Wish I could, yeah that'd be great.
But how the hell could I make a blog post,
When I'm in a catatonic state?
~
I'm convinced this one-way conversation
Is all just happening in my mind.
Or what little of it's left anyway,
The portion Hallmark left behind.
~
You're all figments of my imagination,
Proof that I've gone 'round the bend.
I've enjoyed these 24 days with you,
But now that time has come to an end.
~
So as the men in white coats prepare me,
Make sure the straps are fitted nice and tight,
I SAY TO YOU ALL MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I AM GETTING SO MEDICATED TONIGHT!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!
LOVE TO YOU ALL!
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