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| Mmmmmm, tastes like fabulousness… with a lemon curd filling. |
Now those of you currently rocking an alternative lifestyle just hold on, that was not meant as a condemnation. Just saying that I give as much of a f@%k about you guys getting married as I do about straight people doing likewise. And that is to say none at all. I don't care if men marry other men just the same as I don't care if and when men marry women. And I don't care if women marry other women either. Well maybe I care a little bit about that last one. And by 'care' I mean fantasize a great deal to the point of being an obsession that one might think to be unhealthy if one were to ever get a glimpse of my Internet history. (Should really get around to deleting that.)
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| Of course all lesbians act this way… when they know I'm watching. |
The only marriages I give a real damn about are my own and that's the way it should be because they're the only ones I gotta deal with. Wait… did I just pluralize that whole sentence? Shit! Slipped up for a sec. Must be tired… don't usually do that. Look, let's just pretend I didn't say that, okay? Just for the sake of argument we'll say that I'm married to a wonderful woman and leave it at that. Don't concern yourselves with the three ladies that could actually claim to be the aforementioned wonderful woman and I'll continue to hope they only ever meet around my deathbed sometime in the distant future. And that's probably gonna be a pretty awesome spectacle. Well, maybe not for them because they'll be all mad and shit. Probably not so much for me either because… you know, deathbed and whatnot. But it'll be something for my legion of future grandchildren to see. You're welcome, my little legacies.
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| "Mr. Savage, all three of your wives just met out in the waiting area. You want me to go ahead and pull the plug now before they come in?" |
All right, enough of my sad future demise and back into to stuff that matters. While my sense of general apathy for all relationships that don't include me probably goes a long way towards making me the most tolerant person in America, there are plenty of others who don't share my superior worldview. Such people will usually truck out the same tired old bible passage to justify their belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Talking about Leviticus 18:22 which says: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination." The exact wording varies depending on which edition you're reading from but that's how the text flows in my bible. Yes, I have a bible. No, it doesn't burst into flames when I touch it. (Bleeds a little but that's all.) No mention of woman lying with woman as an abomination though. That's simply because women didn't really start doing that sort of thing until the early 1970s, right around the time they also discovered the female orgasm. Safe bet one had to do with the other. (These are facts.)
Hey you know what else the bible refers to as an abomination? Shellfish. Or as the Good Book puts it: "Whatsoever hath no fins or scales in the water, that shall be an abomination unto you." (They really liked throwing the A-word around back then.) There's a couple more verses on stuff of that nature, laundry list of other things we're not supposed to be eating and/or laying with in a sexual manner. But my bible's becoming kind of illegible from all that blood so I gotta put it down now. Again though, the first thing I took from all that was that as far as the gospel is concerned, God hates people in lobster bibs as much as he hates people in same-sex relationships.
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| Nice to see you boys are wearing protection while you subvert God's law. |
Just don't bother telling that to the holy-rollers because they'll be quick to point out that the shellfish thing doesn't count because it happened in the Old Testament. Say, know what else happened in the Old Testament? Yup, the book of Leviticus. In fact, the shellfish thing is Leviticus 11:12, just a few pages before the thing about laying with dudes. So how does shrimp cocktail get a Mulligan but my cousin Carl and his "special friend" Rodney are going to hell for the things they think no one knows they do? And the fact that they're both allergic to shellfish has gotta have some kind of ironic component to it. Crap… did I just out Carl and Rodney? Sorry fellas, again, I'm tired and don't usually slip up like that. But really, it was time. And to be clear, I personally don't believe God hates anyone for loving another of his children. That's just how I see it.
Putting religion aside for the rest of this post, (probably better that way) as for that nonsense about gay marriage threatening the sanctity of traditional marriage, well that shit's been bandied about for a while now, so most likely I have nothing new to add to that discussion. Still, that's never stopped me before so let me just throw out this simple pop quiz. In the house next to mine we have what we'll label Situation-A. Carl and Rodney got hitched and moved in with their two tiny accessory dogs, Little Miss Thang and Mmmm-Hmmm. (So happy for those guys even if they are only figments of my imagination.) In the two-story colonial located on the other side of my happy home we have newlyweds Beth and Allie who live with their three children. All three kids have Beth's eyes, Allie's nose, different daddies and various hair/eye color combinations. (We don't know where the f@%k they came from and we don't wanna know where the f@%k they came from. Just don't stare at them and for God's sake don't EVER feed 'em after midnight!) Beth, Allie and their freaky offspring are Situation-B. Now I ask you, which living situation is more of a threat to my marriage? The answer of course is Situation-C for Candice, the desperate widow across the street that I regularly bang on Saturday afternoons while both our kids are playing freeze-tag with the genetic oddities over at Casa de Lesbian. Candice is cool, good people, salt-of-the-Earth type, you'd like her. Real shame what happened to her husband though. And I hope they find the random black guy that killed him that night while I was somewhere else and nowhere near the scene of the crime. (wink)
Putting religion aside for the rest of this post, (probably better that way) as for that nonsense about gay marriage threatening the sanctity of traditional marriage, well that shit's been bandied about for a while now, so most likely I have nothing new to add to that discussion. Still, that's never stopped me before so let me just throw out this simple pop quiz. In the house next to mine we have what we'll label Situation-A. Carl and Rodney got hitched and moved in with their two tiny accessory dogs, Little Miss Thang and Mmmm-Hmmm. (So happy for those guys even if they are only figments of my imagination.) In the two-story colonial located on the other side of my happy home we have newlyweds Beth and Allie who live with their three children. All three kids have Beth's eyes, Allie's nose, different daddies and various hair/eye color combinations. (We don't know where the f@%k they came from and we don't wanna know where the f@%k they came from. Just don't stare at them and for God's sake don't EVER feed 'em after midnight!) Beth, Allie and their freaky offspring are Situation-B. Now I ask you, which living situation is more of a threat to my marriage? The answer of course is Situation-C for Candice, the desperate widow across the street that I regularly bang on Saturday afternoons while both our kids are playing freeze-tag with the genetic oddities over at Casa de Lesbian. Candice is cool, good people, salt-of-the-Earth type, you'd like her. Real shame what happened to her husband though. And I hope they find the random black guy that killed him that night while I was somewhere else and nowhere near the scene of the crime. (wink)
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| Is it wrong that that's actually MY underwear on the floor? |
Hear that conservative lawmakers? You wanna protect traditional marriage? Then put your money where your mouths are and make adultery illegal, plain and simple, end of story and shut the hell up! Because as long as Newt Gingrich can cheat and re-marry at will and have his pal Rush Limbaugh bring a shiny new wife to each ceremony then no one should have to listen to anything any of you have to say on what makes a mockery of traditional marriage.
Beth and Allie's tribe segues us nicely to my final point because we can't have this discussion without mentioning children since there's that very popular and catchy little tune that concisely lays out the proper order of such things. You know… first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby carriages and all other types of stuff that apparently results from kissing in a tree. With that kind of hard science behind it I'd be remiss if I didn't mention little ones. Also be remiss if I didn't drop the word remiss in here somewhere because I just love the way it sounds. REMISS! That being said… REMISS… and now it's been said again, I have no problem with children being raised in a same-sex environment. Especially considering that I know more than a few "traditional" couples that I wouldn't trust to properly care for a f@%king cactus much less raise a child. Yet they're free to have as many as they like simply because nature gave them the ability to fire babies out like some sweaty Pez dispenser. Well nature gave me the ability to do plenty of things that the law says I'm not allowed to do even in the privacy of my own home… or especially on the steps of the Chinese embassy. Same sex couples wanna do the surrogate thing or the artificial insemination thing and have babies? Fine by me. They wanna adopt and provide a loving home to some needy kid? Even better.
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| Except for certain instances. No child should be raised in a bad 80s sitcom! |
Guess I should kinda wrap this up though because I have another cactus to bury. Don't worry about what he was doing playing in traffic in the first place! You mind your business and stop trying to tell me how to raise my plants or my kid! Where is my kid anyway? Whatever, I'm sure he'll find his way home again like always. He's resourceful like that.
This was a long one today but I had a lot to say on the matter. Think we've covered all the bases here, you know where I stand and there can be no ambiguity on the subject. Also, I love the word ambiguity even more than the word remiss so this was a good paragraph for me. Last thing I'll say is this: What we call French kissing here in America is simply called a kiss over in France. A Mexican stand-off south of the border is just a f@%king stand-off. And we're not really gonna be the free and just society we like to think we are until same-sex marriage simply becomes marriage. (*sniff* That's beautiful man.) And now I'm done with the speechifying.
Besides, a few years from now married gays and lesbians are gonna realize their mistake and know how good they had it before and regret everything just like the rest of us. Hey conservative lawmakers, wanna have some real fun? Deny same-sex divorces, then it'll be a party!
This was a long one today but I had a lot to say on the matter. Think we've covered all the bases here, you know where I stand and there can be no ambiguity on the subject. Also, I love the word ambiguity even more than the word remiss so this was a good paragraph for me. Last thing I'll say is this: What we call French kissing here in America is simply called a kiss over in France. A Mexican stand-off south of the border is just a f@%king stand-off. And we're not really gonna be the free and just society we like to think we are until same-sex marriage simply becomes marriage. (*sniff* That's beautiful man.) And now I'm done with the speechifying.
Besides, a few years from now married gays and lesbians are gonna realize their mistake and know how good they had it before and regret everything just like the rest of us. Hey conservative lawmakers, wanna have some real fun? Deny same-sex divorces, then it'll be a party!
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