SKIN FLICKS 101:

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax… of cabbages and kings." ~ Lewis Carroll, 1872

But to hell with all that egghead nonsense. I'm here to talk about bangin' on film, so let's get to this week's installment of…

Okay, so this week's installment is also the ONLY installment, but whatever, stop quibbling. This stuff's important so pay attention. And a word of warning: if you're easily offended… then what the f@%k you doing here? But in fairness I guess I should provide you with a way out. So if you want to leave then click the link and you'll be taken somewhere safe. Ya big baby.

For you brave souls that stuck around, just let me say that our focus here today will be mainly on movies and video porn since any mention of print pornography would have to include these three cats.

From left to right: Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt.
And ladies, try not to fall in love.

I don't really wanna talk about them because… ewww. Just back away from them slowly and let's get on with the history of cinematic fornication, shall we?

1972: Deep Throat, one of the first porn films in the history of the genre to actually feature a plot sees a limited theatrical release. It's also the first film to make pizza delivery a dirty, dirty thing. The film was controversial in many ways, most notably for its subject matter, the touching story of a young woman's quest to find her lost lady-button. As luck would have it (for any guys she happened to hook-up with) said button was eventually found to be located at the back of her throat. But unless she'd been on a liquid diet her entire life, shouldn't she have known this? You'd think her first clue would've been the way scarfing back a burger always caused her to spasm out and crave a cigarette or look for someone to cuddle. On second thought, I know plenty of women with normal anatomies who react that same way to food. So yeah, that behavior most likely wouldn't raise any flags. 

1972: (You know, just later that same year.) Behind the Green Door starring former Ivory Girl (Remember them?) Marilyn Chambers is the first porn to see a nationwide release with distribution numbers to rival mainstream films of that time. Green Door also made history as the first feature length porn film to contain an interracial sex scene. That was the part of Dr. King's 'I Have a Dream' speech that didn't make the final cut. "… when all God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics will be able to drink from the same fountain and tap from the same ass." All right, he didn't really say anything about a fountain, I just threw that part in. But racial politics aside, Green Door is most notable for its use of slow motion photography to produce a seven minute money-shot. Just thinking about that makes me wanna roll over and go to sleep. 

1973: The Devil in Miss Jones rode in on the coattails (As if any of them actually wore coats. Or any clothes for that matter.) of Deep Throat and Green Door and broke box office records for the time. Starring Georgina Spelvin, who at 36 was considered pretty old for a porn star (WHAT?) Devil was more commercially successful than both its predecessors combined. (Go on old girl! Represent!) The movie even competed against mainstream titles, finishing tenth in total box office for the year just behind Roger Moore's first outing as James Bond in Live and Let Die. There's a Pussy Galore joke to be made in there somewhere, but I'm really too tired to look for it. 

1977: Star Wars was released to theaters that year and while clearly not a porn film, today being Star Wars Day — May the 4th be with you. — we'll stretch the parameters since Luke Skywalker did lust after his sister, Princess Leia. And she was no angel either. Just look at the poster, the way she's all pushing up on him, sinful. And though we wouldn't find out about their family status until Return of the Jedi, six years later, it just makes me feel dirty thinking about it even in retrospect. And really, that's what porn is supposed to do, just make a motherf@%ker feel dirty. So it makes the list. Plus, without it this would be an entire blog post without a single geek reference. And that just ain't me.

1978: Debbie Does Dallas is considered by some to have been the end of the Golden Age of porn that Deep Throat had begun in 72. This claim is supported by the fact that besides this film and the three named previously (Star Wars doesn't count, but it should!), the average person would be hard pressed to name another porn film of any note. And Debbie Does Dallas is perhaps the most famous one of the bunch. Even though the title is absolute bullshit since the story does not take place in Dallas and the film's slutty heroine doesn't actually 'do' anyone from there either. Yet, no one filed suit for fraud, go figure. However, a lawsuit was filed against the film by none other than the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders who took issue with their uniforms being parodied in the marketing of the film. You'd think they'd have been flattered. A good porn parody is the ultimate sign that you've made it.

1979: Caligula, produced by Penthouse founder Bob Guccione… and that's all I'm going to say about that since I still don't wanna talk about him because… yeeeech.

This was the day my mom officially stopped cleaning my room.

The 80s: The era saw the VHS pretty much guide porno theaters down the path to oblivion. The long form porno film would eventually go along with them. Worth noting here is that the porn industry's backing of the VHS format was instrumental in making it successful over rival Betamax, even though Betamax was by far the better technology. Porn is powerful voodoo.

The 90s: DVDs became the thing and porn helped to make that happen as well. Years later the industry would do the same to help Blu-Ray beat out HD DVD as a preferred format. At this point I think we should count ourselves lucky that the industry didn't decide to dabble in politics. Or did they? 

"How YOU doin'?"

The 90s also gave rise (heh heh) to amateur porn. No story, no sets, no actors, just a bunch of exhibitionist a-holes who don't mind climbing into the back of a van and banging on camera for no money. All about having goals I guess.

This photo has not been doctored.
This guy just likes his bitches blurry.

The 2000s… or the Millennium… or the Oughts… (whatever the hell you wanna call it): The Internet got together with amateur smut and took a big crap on the porn industry as a whole. There were some in the industry who were actually into getting crapped on but I try not to judge… even though that type of thing is wrong and bad. Okay, perhaps I judge a little. The Internet helped take the amateur thing even farther by eliminating the need for studios, manufacturing, marketing or distribution. Just f@%k, point and click and congratulations, you're a porn star! Your parents must be so proud. 

And here we are today in 2012 as porn history was made once again, just this past week when none other than the Octo-Mom herself, Nadya Suleman signed with an adult entertainment company to do solo-masturbation porn. After three years of turning down such offers, Suleman, having just filed for bankruptcy, will unveil her echo chamber for all the world to see.

Artist's depiction of Ms. Suleman's…
you know… down there.

Soon after, porn will die choking on its own vomit.

Here ends the lesson. And if you think I came all this way just as an excuse to use that clown car graphic at Ms. Suleman's expense… then you know me so well.