DAMN KIDS:

To start with, I'll speak briefly about the top image. It's from the cover of an upcoming issue of the comic book Life With Archie, issue #24 to be precise. The image is artist Fiona Staples' take on animated girl group Josie and the Pussycats and I think it's amazing. Big fan of Fiona Staples' work in general — you can check her out HERE if you're so inclined. She's currently knocking it out of the park with her work on the monthly sci-fi masterpiece Saga from Image Comics, but I just love this cover especially and wanted to share the cool with you people. Has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm here to talk about today. Actually, that's not true since I am going off on a comic book tangent (BIG SURPRISE!) so Fiona's work is probably a nice way to kick that off.

Seems like only yesterday I was sitting in a theater with some friends of mine, watching Tobey Maguire as science geek Peter Parker getting lectured to by Cliff Robertson who played kindly Uncle Ben in the 2002 hit Spider-Man. Young Peter was in the midst of going through an assload of biological changes brought on by the bite of a genetically engineered spider and Uncle Ben gave him some sage poppycock advice about how with great power comes great responsibility. Of course, Ben didn't know that Peter was changing into a being with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Wait, that's Superman's intro line. I just crossed company icons. Now I've gone and done it. 

"Son, I know what you've been doing with your socks, it's wasteful
and I don't like it. In my day we used roadkill to catch our shots."

Anyway, Ben just thought Peter was going through puberty like some regular snot-nosed punk. Didn't know about the wall-crawling or the super strength or the web-shooting. He just thought Peter was dealing with new pubes and vocal changes and… shooting sticky substances other than web fluid. So what the f@%k was Ben talking about then? Since when is cum-chucking an example of 'great power'? Great fun perhaps, but great power? Not really. And the 'great responsibility' he spoke of? I'd say that cleaning up after yourself would be about all the responsibility necessary. Police the area youngsters, collect and discard your tissues and you'll be all right. 

Or you could just leave it all over the sides of buildings
like Captain Metaphor here. 

Still it all worked out, Ben's advice — misguided as it was — led Peter on the path to being the hero we all came to know and love as Spider-Man and the rest was movie history. At least until the third film when it became movie tragedy. But that's another rant for another time. How about never? Is never a good time to talk about Spider-Man 3? Great, see you then.

But like I mentioned at the beginning, time moving as fast as it does, to me it seems like just yesterday that I watched Spider-Man with my friends even though it was ten years ago. However, in the actual yesterday of twenty-four hours ago (give or take) I watched a different film with my friends. Not the same friends as ten years ago though… different friends. Those other friends no longer speak to me for various reasons. Guess ten years isn't enough time to heal certain… you know what, it's not important.

I'm sad now.

And I'm over it.

Thanks for helping me to move on.

So yesterday I saw the movie Chronicle with my buds Chris and Terri who would've been pictured here if I had gotten them to sign release forms but I forgot so these two stock photo a-holes will have to suffice. 

Say hello to the nice readers, Faux Chris and Pseudo Terri.

So we gathered at Chris' crib for an evening of beer, pizza and laughs to watch Chronicle, which was in theaters months ago — But The Avengers notwithstanding, who the hell goes to the movies anymore? Basic plot of the movie is that three teenage boys stumble upon a glowing… something or other (the object is never explained) and gain fantastic powers from it. Now you see what all that Spider-Man stuff was about? The boys get great power but don't have a kindly father-figure uncle pelting them with wisdom nuggets to help them do the right thing. In this instance with great power came great stupidity. Although seeing as they were teenage boys, pretty safe bet stupidity was already part of the equation long before the glowing thingy. 

Gee, when the shit hits the fan which one
dies first? Hmmmm? That's a tough one.

Save for one or two decent sight gags and really great flying sequences, I didn't care for this movie at all. But super dumbasses doing super dumbass shit wasn't the biggest problem I had with it. The biggest problem was the lack of true storytelling. There was an overall tale being told, but it's told mostly through the lens of a handheld video camera as one of the boys chronicles the group's exploits and escapades as they master their newfound abilities… and I JUST got the title! Chronicle… it makes sense now! Curse my childhood head injury that makes me oblivious to stuff! Anyway, the film just jumps from one event to the next as it would if you had found the camera and watched the footage without benefit of editing. The true irony being that careful editing was most likely involved to achieve that effect. As Dolly Parton was once famously quoted as saying: "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap". Well I'm sure it took a lot of work for Chronicle to seem that haphazard and in the end, it doesn't really payoff.

Of course, this is not the first film to be done this way. The Blair Witch Project broke that ground back in 1999 and in recent years has been aped by films such as Cloverfield, Paranormal Activity, Apollo 18 and Project X. Of those five mentioned I've only seen Blair Witch and Cloverfield and I really wish to God that I hadn't because those three hours collectively could have been better spent improving my life through some form of humiliating Canadian sex act involving trained beavers, a silk scarf, a pogo stick and a bucket of lard. Probably better for you if you don't ask what goes where in that scenario. But I will say that it will open your eyes — among other things — to why perverts should stop wasting their time and money on sex tours to Thailand and just drive north of the border for a good time. Canadians are messed up!

But now I can add Chronicle to the very short list of films I've seen that were inspired by YouTube culture and I'm fairly confident the list will end with just three entries. Even though technically Blair Witch came before YouTube existed but… SHUT UP! Point of all this is that even though I didn't really care for Chronicle, it did leave a lasting impression on me. Because I now fear that if there really is a theoretical possibility of human beings gaining the ability to do shit like fly and hurl lightning bolts or throw busses around with their minds, it's not gonna be some sensible kid with his head on straight like Peter Parker that gets touched by the finger of God. (Yeah, that sounds bad but no time to change it, I'm in wrap-up mode here.) I'm afraid it's gonna be some idiot that under normal circumstances I wouldn't trust to be alone with a microwave and a pack of chewing gum for fear that through simple trial and error he'd MacGyver some way to destroy an entire city block because he had nothing better to do with his time. 

Why can't more young people use their mullets
for the betterment of mankind?

Hope you can sleep now… because I sure can't. And yes, the image of Richard Dean Anderson's Kentucky Waterfall has a little to do with it. Simply frightening.