HOW TO MEET BLACK PEOPLE:

Don't let the title and top photo fool you, this is not going to be an instructional piece. I am not here to give the melanin deficient masses the inside scoop on all the best practices and places to meet black people. 

I will tell you that THIS is probably one of the worst places though.

Talking about a dating site called BlackPeopleMeet.com. You might have seen their ads on your local cable channels from time to time, usually during a Tyler Perry marathon. (Seriously, how many Madea movies are there?) Never heard of it? Well their slogan tells you all you need to know: This is how black people meet. No bullshit, that's their tagline. I guess they're saying that before them, black people were just not meeting in the right way for like the last thousand years. It's funny because I remember my Mom and Dad telling me the story of how they were introduced to one another by their mutual friend Betty. How they looked into each other's eyes and realized right away that they'd found the one. How they were married soon after and two kids and fifty years later, they're still in love, still happy together. Well f@%k all that because according to America's premiere dating site for black singles, Mom and Dad did it wrong! ALL WRONG! They were supposed to wait out those fifty years alone until the good folks over at People Media LLC could create a site for them to hook-up the right way. That means their love is a sham and my entire existence is an abomination that should never have been allowed to happen! (Pretty sure my folks are probably thinking that abomination bit regardless of how they met.) 

And lest you think that other interest groups aren't being properly served, People Media — who in 2009 also acquired Match.com — hosts a wide variety of sites dedicated to making sure that people of many different races, creeds and ideologies can meet up with like-minded individuals for the express purpose of sticking to their own kind. Just take a gander at the list. 

Between you, me and… everyone else, LittlePeopleMeet.com is a hoot!

Know what you DON'T see there? That's right, WhitePeopleMeet.com. Oh because THAT would be wrong! (Although I'm betting RepublicanPeopleMeet.com is probably pretty close.) You just know a site with a name like Whitepeoplemeet.com would be construed as straight up racist and no doubt lead to a couple of protest rallies. Would be kinda interesting to see exactly how an angry mob pickets a Web site though. 

"Bitch please, you know I'd find a way."

Now in the interest of fair and balanced ranting, I took to the Internet in search of whites only dating sites. That was a big mistake because some of the places I ended up scared me in ways that up until now I would not have even thought possible. Whites only dating sites are angry places full of people who should be herded into North and South Dakota and fenced off for the good of humanity. Don't worry, no one's using the Dakotas anyway, it'd be totally cool. Plus, I'm pretty sure my IP address has been logged by a federal agency or two as a result of my inquisitive nature. And there's also a very strong possibility that I inadvertently made a date with this petite flower of womanhood. 

Trust me, you really do not want to know what's on the other end of that stick.

So if you happen to be hanging out at the Danbury Cheesecake Factory this Friday night at 8:30 and see her lurking around the waiting area, it'd be for the best if you call the management and instruct them to keep her away from knives… and candles… and children of mixed races. And shellfish, because she's allergic… to shellfish AND mixed races.

Well what have we learned from all of this? For one thing, someone needs to come over and install parental filters on my browser to keep me out of trouble on the Internet because I am getting all sorts of supremacist propaganda spam now. Good thing I didn't use my real name because Lars von Gruberlicht is becoming a very popular gentleman these days. We've also learned that no matter if you're black, Latino, Asian, Jewish, Indian or whatever, there's a site out there where you can safely make a xenophobic love connection. And for all of those of the caucasian persuasion, there's still eHarmony. 

eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren wants to know: "Where my W.A.S.P.s at?"

Interestingly enough, I actually met my wife on BlackPeopleMeet.com. I don't mean years ago before we got married, I mean just this past weekend while I was doing research for this post. Seems she was out there calling herself Lateesha Boudreaux and looking for a guy who's clearly not me. Imagine my surprise when my bullshit profile caught her attention. So yeah, we're headed into marriage counseling with a therapist we found… on Blackcounselors.com. God, I love the Internet.