DO YOU BELIEVE THIS MITT?

Theories, we've all got 'em. Whether you believe the moon landing was faked, or that the Holocaust was a lie, or perhaps you're one of the few who believe that Jews faked the moon landing to divert our attention away from discovering the truth about the Holocaust. Hey, don't blame that last one on me, heard it from a guy.

That's the guy right there. Told me all about it as he was trying to
clean my windshield with a spray bottle full of human waste. 

Hell, you might even believe some crazy shit about aliens being responsible for the rise of sea turtles as Earth's dominant life form. Wait… that one hasn't happened yet. But you should probably prepare for it. Even at this very moment they're out there in the briny deep developing a rudimentary language and opposable thumbs. Soon as they complete that evolutionary step with the help of their alien friends, humanity as we know it is well and truly dicked. They're like walking tanks. How can we defend ourselves against that? Least that's my theory, and that's the point.

Like I said, we've all got 'em, I happen to have a lot more than my fair share of them, what with my enlarged cranium, my superior capacity for complex thought and a healthy dose of humility. But this isn't about me… actually, it is about me and my theories. Not gonna lay them all out for you here today since that much pure enlightenment might well just clog your mind-hole like a sock through a toilet and leave you spilling an overflowing torrent of gibberish. The one thought I'm gonna dish to you today — besides the turtle thing, that was a bonus track — is my theory on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. And if I'm right, then I'm gonna spill some knowledge that Mitt doesn't want you to know about. I'm about to spoil that dude's day by opening my big mouth. And if I know Mitt (which I don't) he's probably gonna send some boys around to put the silence on me, Mormon style. Might even roll around here personally to handle the deed himself, which will most likely involve a stern talking to and a lot of finger-wagging. That dude is hardcore! 

Mitt just got real up in here! 

But I'd be doing you all a great disservice if I let myself be intimidated by Romney and his words and his demeanor and his hair. All kidding aside, that really is good hair, a very presidential mane that guy is sporting. I'm a little intimidated by his coif, I ain't gonna lie. But no, must soldier on and tell the world the truth. And that truth is this: Mitt Romney does not want to be President of the United States. Mitt Romney just wants to run for President.

How else can you explain some of… or ALL of the dumb shit that comes out of that man's mouth on a pretty regular basis? Seems like every two weeks he opens up his speak-tube and gives America a reason to vote for the other guy. The other guy being that… that other fella, what's his name? Oh, right on the tip of my tongue. Why can't I ever remember that guy? 

It'll come to me sooner or later. 

It was that other guy that Romney mentioned just a little while ago while talking up an NAACP convention full of… you know… those people. Just after promising to bring down the Affordable Care Act — or 'Obamacare' — he informed them that if they wanted more free stuff from the government then they should vote for the other guy." (Seriously, what is his name?) 

"Bend over America, here's your
f@%king affordable healthcare!"

Seems this is just how Mitt rolls, whether it was last year when he declared that corporations are people or when he bragged to the good folks of Michigan that his wife drives a couple of Cadillacs, (Way to identify with the common man, asshat!) or when he tried to appeal to the jobless masses in Florida by stating that as a former governor, he too is unemployed. (That one took balls.) Then there's this gem of a quote from January of this year, "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there." I've been Googling the shit out of my browser looking for an explanation to that one and I still don't know what the f@%k he means. What safety net?

Now I know that politicians saying dumb shit is not a new phenomenon, we recently served eight years under a true master of the craft. But really, President Bush was… special. Bless his heart, he tried, he tried so hard to say smart things but then he'd open his mouth and the words came out all… special. But we expect more from Mitt because he's not Bush, he's better than that… smarter, isn't he? Wouldn't he have to be? The Republican Party wouldn't let another one like that get through, would they? There's gotta be a screening process, right? IQ tests, word association, square pegs and round holes, that sort of shit? No? F@%K! 

"So you want me to make this out to Kim? Well that's a
funny name, how you spell that, darlin'?" 

No, I'm sticking to my original theory, it's all an act. A carefully thought out and well executed ruse. Mitt's just putting us all on by occasionally pulling a Bush (that sounds like a sex crime) and saying enough stupid shit from time to time so that there's no possible way we'll vote his dumb ass into office. That has to be it. He's realized that being President of the United States at this point in our nation's history would be a thankless, ball-sucking way to spend four to eight years. Just ask the other guy. But this way Mitt gets to nobly go down in flames on November 6th, hold his head up high during his concession speech and then spend time making like a million a year on the lecture circuit promoting his autobiography entitled: 'Hey, At Least I Gave It A Shot'.

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Yeah, that's what I'm thinking is going on in the Romney camp these days. After all, he wasn't like this when he made a bid for the '08 nomination. He seemed pretty solid back before the economy went tits-up and and we were all on Rapture-watch. Still, now that I think about it, there is recent word about a time back in '07 when he strapped his dog carrier to the roof of his car during a 12-hour road trip… with the dog in it. As one would expect, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had a shit fit. So too did the dog actually, terrified at the time, the poor animal — Seamus was his name — lost control of his bowels and crapped all over the roof of the car. When PETA publicly made a (BAD PUN ALERT) stink about the incident, Romney casually mocked "PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air".

Seamus would neither confirm or deny they allegations.
Nor would he come out of his house… ever again! 

Oh my God, I was wrong, it's not an act, he is… special. Real special… industrial strength special! The Republican Party needs a better screening process. And apparently Mitt Romney needs a helmet. Too bad though, be a shame to mess up that hair. Seriously, what's his secret?