GOT MY VOTE:

Well there you have it folks, the Republican National Convention is over and in a move that surprised absolutely no one, former Masachu… Massecheu… Massichewset… (F@%K!)… former governor Mitt Romney ended the affair by accepting the nomination to run for President of the United States of America.

"Yes, thank you for naming me the best of what was left of your limited options."

Really? We needed three days for that? Couldn't do that in one evening? Hell, we knew going into it that he was gonna get the nod. By contrast, we never know going into Oscar night who's gonna win anything. And they manage to hand out about thirty of those things in one evening. It just feels like three days. And now we gotta do the same thing for Obama… sorry… President Obama (respect)? Three more days of speeches and bullshit all so he can officially tell Mitt Romney to just take his white ass back to Massuhchu… Massassipi… Come on auto correct! Help a brother out! 

"Huh? What? Four more years? Yeah… sure… whatever."

Of course no one is even talking about Mitt and his acceptance speech today. The big story is the guy who stole the show before Romney even found his way to the stage. Yeah, Clint Eastwood is the hero of the day for making the event something to give a damn about with his rambling crazy talk conversation with an empty chair. 

"Look, I said I'm sorry I did that on you. I didn't know that it'd be a wet one."

As he went on and on and on having a debate with his imaginary friend, I just imagined a bunch of people backstage demanding to know who let him take a chair out there in the first place. Not anyone's fault really, the guy's like 80 years-old, he asked for a chair and everyone probably just assumed he was gonna sit his tired ass down for a spell. He's Clint Eastwood for God's sake! The man was Dirty Harry and The Outlaw Josey Wales and the guy with no name in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Later on he was grizzled cowboy William Munny in Unforgiven, grizzled Secret Service agent Frank Horrigan from In the Line of Fire… then he cocked it all up by playing a flower picking photographer in Bridges of Madison County. But then he was back to his old self as a grizzled boxing trainer who (SPOILER ALERT!) puts Hilary Swank down like Old Yeller in Million Dollar Baby and all was right with the world again. And Gran Torino… don't even get me started… because I never saw it. (Is that bad?) 

Judging purely from the cover it's the touching story of
an old man, his love of cars, guns and high-waisted slacks.

Point is, he's Clint F@%king Eastwood and if he wants to sit down to give a speech at the RNC then dammit, Clint Eastwood can sit down to give the damn speech! So who the hell was gonna stop him when they saw him heading toward the stage followed by a production assistant carrying a stool?

What happened when he got to that stage… yeah, that was kind of a train wreck. A train wreck that we the American people should totally take full advantage of on November 6th! You know where I'm going with this, you know what I'm about to say, just be thankful that it's not gonna take me three whole days to say it. We need to elect Clint Eastwood and the Empty Chair to be President and Vice President of the United States of America in a write-in vote! 

Why? In a word: Fear. Other countries would be afraid of us. Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Afghanistan, China, Canada… yeah, I said Canada… would all be too afraid of President Crazy-Talk and Vice President Furniture to ever f@%k with us again. Who the hell is going to mess with a country insane enough to take marching orders from someone whose entire cabinet is possibly made up of the voices in his head? Or perhaps — as my just as crazy friend Terri astutely pointed out — maybe even actual cabinets?

"Hang on, I'm in a meeting with the Secretary of the Interior… of my skull."

And after the rest of the world shits itself and goes to the corner like we tell it to, then we can focus on the rest of the problems facing our nation, like the economy. What's that you say? What could President Eastwood do about the economy? Didn't you see that Super Bowl ad he did last year for Chrysler? Here, take a look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PE5V4Uzobc

Don't feel like investing an extra two minutes? Well here's the condensed version.

"Grumble mumble… cars… mumble grumble… hard work…
grumble mumble… get off my lawn, America!"

That's some uplifting shit right there! First time I saw that thing I went right out to my garage and tried to build a damn car from scratch! When I realized that I had no skills whatsoever to do such a thing, I instead went out and stole a car. But dammit, I made sure it was an American car because that's what Eastwood inspired me to do! These days my cars, my electronics, my clothes, my drugs (prescription and narcotics), my guns and my hooker purchases are all 100% American thanks to Mr. Eastwood!

That's what America needs, that's what America deserves and that's what we can give America on November 6th! Plus, as an added bonus, his daughter Alison Eastwood is pretty hot and likes to take her clothes off so maybe we'll get more of that too.

Granted, this was taken a few years ago and she may no
longer be this hot, but still… BOOBIES!

A shame that it's too late to get Eastwood and Chair on the official ticket. I have a feeling the Vice Presidential debate would've been awesome… and probably a little too close to call.

"Well I knew Al Gore, I worked with the man.
And you Mr. Chair… are actually a lot like him."