iRANT:

Do they even use these things to wrap fish anymore?

Have you heard the news? Have you seen the headlines? Are you living in 1997? Because that's the last time anyone paid attention to an actual headline. But however word of current events trickles into your cranium, you must know that the new iPhone came out last week. I think it's up to version 5 now. Really? Five versions already? Wow, seems like only yesterday that Apple first revolutionized the way that we as a society break the 10th Commandment. No, not the way we commit adultery! That's the 7th commandment. The 10th is the one about coveting your neighbor's things, always worrying about keeping up with the Joneses. (Those rich bastards!) Although, I suppose that if you were to use an iPhone to sext pictures of your junk to your neighbor's wife, eventually leading to an adulterous affair, then Apple might very well have hit two commandments for the price of one. Supposing even further, I figure that if I put a little more thought into the matter I might find other ways that the boys from Cupertino, California are leading us straight to Hell. In fact, — and I'm not alone in this thinking — the Apple identity itself might be an allusion to original sin and an icon of Apple's evil intentions. Look at the logo, an Apple with a bite taken out of it. Same weapon of spiritual destruction that got Adam and Eve's naked asses kicked out of paradise. 

A young Steve Jobs prepares to f@%k it up for all of us. 

Still, whatever Stevie J's evil intentions for the world may be and no matter how hard he and his minions may have toiled to turn us into the Borg Collective, I did not get a new iPhone. Nor do I have any intention of ever getting an iPhone 5, 6, 7 or any other version that may come out in the next year or however much longer we have left on this mudball before humanity dies screaming. (Seriously, we are f@%king doomed as a species.)Your first clue should have been the fact that I've typed out about three hundred words already and none of them have been used to crow about my having or getting or planning on getting a new iPhone. Nor will I ever waste words to that effect even if I ever do break down and buy one… or perhaps maybe receive one as a gift. (Christmas IS coming you know.)

Might sound like sour grapes here on my part. Might sound like I'm jealous of those Apple-happy masses with their fancy schmancy iPhones and iPads and whatever the hell else they wanna put an 'i' in front of and sell to the Joneses. (Rich bastards!) But that's not the case at all. Not jealous (much), very happy with the phone I already have. Know what kind of phone that is? No you don't, because I simply went out and bought it without announcing my purchase to the world. Same as any normal person would a power drill or a pound of ground beef or a sex toy. However, if you happen to purchase all three of those things at the same time, then hell yeah I wanna know about it because that sounds like a plan for an interesting evening. 

Actually tried to post a picture of my phone, but the iPhone5 hijacked the image.
APPLE DON'T PLAY FAIR! 

But while raw meat and butt plugs make for fascinating commentary, gadget purchases do not. No matter how cool all the updates and innovations are, they're never going to be enough to justify telling all of your Facebook friends that you're loving the new screen protectors and adapters that came with your new phone. Yet there's just something about Apple products that make the Apple-faithful feel the need to Apple-talk about 'em all the god damned time. Ha ha… that's funny. See, Appletalk is a proprietary networking protocol and… whatever. I thought it was clever so f@%k you.

So look, I don't hate Apple, I appreciate the skills. Not like I'm one of those haters who curse the day Steve Jobs was born and celebrate the day he died. (Believe me, they're out there.) The irony of all this is that I'm tapping out this meandering trail of bullshit on a MacBook so it's not like I've never tasted the Apple Kool-Aid. I do happen to own several iProducts, I just don't think they're worth talking about… you know, any more than I'm talking about them right now… at this time.

Although I guess we should be grateful that the iFans only express their sycophantic glee over all things Apple and thankfully leave us in the dark about all the other shit they buy. Can't imagine having those same people going on and on ad-nauseum about every single little thing they bought on their latest IKEA shopping spree. Of course if Apple starts putting their brand on everyday mundane stuff then that could suck real bad. 

Before I go I have to mention one bit of sad news. The National Football League suffered a tragic loss this week. Not talking about the death of NFL Films Co-Founder and President Steve Sabol to brain cancer… or rabid manatees. I always get those two confused. Besides, that happened last week but was indeed sad. He will be missed. 

He forever changed the way we watch the game of football.
And for that I nominate him for sainthood. 

But the tragic loss I speak of was the death of the NFL's integrity. Been hanging on by a thread since the start of the season but last night at around 11:51 the League's integrity finally breathed its last when the Green Bay Packers got screwed out of a victory over the Seattle Seahawks by the replacement refs. Much will be spoken about this tragedy in the coming days and weeks, so there's really no need for me to go into it anymore than I already have. All I will say is that the game should never have hinged upon the ref's word anyway since it's my understanding that the replay officials up in the booth are still the real deal and not a bunch of scabs. If that's the case then they should have overturned the call and that should have been that. All we should be talking about today is how the replacement refs ALMOST f@%ked up the game. But instead… 

"After further review… um… YAHTZEE!"

If Mr. Sabol had to go, then at least he went before he could see the game he loved come to this.