THE NOT-SO-GREAT DEBATE:

Actual pizza may not look this appetizing… or taste like actual pizza.

Have you heard? Dominos has pan pizza now! And they use fresh dough rather than frozen the way that their esteemed competition, Pizza Hut does it. According to the ads it took them three years to develop their new fresh dough so you know it must be good since they put so much time into it. But here's a question: Why? Not only why'd it take them so long but why bother in the first place? Why not just take the same dough they've been using and simply throw it into a damn pan? Or did it take them three years to figure that out?

Actual pizza… told you so.

Don't worry though, this isn't going to all be about Dominos pizza, (although it coulda been) just mentioned it because pizza was on my mind… and in my belly last night. Not Dominos of course because that stuff is just dag nasty, tastes like a hooker's handbag. Never mind how I know that. My pie came from a local joint and was perfect for grubbing in front of the TV while I watched the big debate. This of course was debate number three overall but only the second between our two presidential hopefuls. We all know how the first one turned out. (OBAMA LOST!) And the VP debate between America's crazy uncle, Joe Biden and Paul Ryan, the creepily pleasant guy next door, wasn't all that decisive. In fact, the only thing I took away from the VP throwdown was that Ryan is full of malarkey and Biden doesn't like it one bit. 

"Come on America, say it with me now… MALARKEY!" 

Last night's debate was a different format from the previous two. The first was a standard affair with two guys standing across from one another and the VP debate was the two guys sitting at a table while this one was a town meeting style deal. Can't wait to see what they come up with for the final debate next Monday night. I'm hoping for a Comedy Central roast hosted by Stephen Colbert with a bunch of C and D list comedians slinging insults the whole time. Probably won't go down that way but I'm just putting the idea out there for 2016. Anyway, the town meeting format let the candidates take questions from and talk directly to a group of a-holes that's supposed to represent us, the American people. Well I looked very closely and I didn't see myself anywhere in that crowd. Saw one old guy who kept looking around like he heard voices and couldn't understand that those voices belonged to the two guys at the center of the room speaking into microphones. Second thought, guess I was represented after all. 

Two men enter, one man leaves… and then the other guy leaves after him.
So it's really quite civilized and boring. 

As far as the content of the debate was concerned, besides the mention of Romney's binder full of women (Where does he get such wonderful school supplies?) the only really interesting moments happened when it looked like shit was gonna get real and that town meeting was gonna turn into fight. Didn't happen though, just a big tease like those bitches in the toll booths. Oh yeah, they take your money but do you get anything in return? Do they climb in the car and give you a little like you'd expect? Is there any quid-pro-quo for the hard-earned $2.75 that you just forked over? Nope, tramp just waves you on in that insultingly dismissive manner that makes you wanna get off at the next exit and loop around again so you can chuck a dead squirrel in her smug face. 

You could gimme a little something seeing as you've already got the gloves on. 

I don't recommend you do that squirrel thing though. State troopers aren't too fond of that course of action and they will really let you know it when they catch you. And they WILL catch you! Won't matter if you actually stuffed $2.75 inside the squirrel before you threw at her and technically paid the toll and thereby don't deserve the harsh treatment they administered to me… to you, I mean to you of course because we're speaking hypothetically here.

Well this has been enlightening. I feel better about things and I'm sure you don't but that's really your problem, not mine. Not my damn job to make you feel better about yourself, I'm not your misstress. Final word on the debate: since the point of town meeting debates is to come across as likable then Obama won that shit hands down because Romney was kind of a dick last night. For the record though, I'm not high on either one of these guys. Probably gonna just do the same thing I do every Election Day, vote for Indiana Jones as a write in candidate and hope other people do the same. 

And Han Solo would be the perfect running mate
since they look so much alike. I know, weird, right? 

Yeah, I know I was all about advocating the Clint Eastwood/Empty Chair ticket a few weeks ago, but that shit was fleeting. They were just a flash in the pan, flavor of the moment kinda thing, never a serious contenders. But Indy, yeah, there's a candidate we can believe in. He fought both the Nazis and the Russians while Obama and Romney were… doing other things. I don't know, were they even around back then? Doesn't matter. What matters is that come Election Day when you're standing in the voting booth and trying to figure out which one of the media approved candidates will give us the best reach-around while they're jamming us all from behind, you'll remember my words. But more importantly, you'll remember Indy's theme song.

Bum ba de daaa… bum ba daaaa… bum ba de daaaa…bum ba da da da…

Hold on, that might be Superman's theme song. I get them confused sometimes. All that John Williams Orchestra shit sounds the same. Well vote for Indiana Jones or Superman, either way you'll be helping to send the message that America wants a hero in the White House. A real hero!

Bum ba de da, ba de da, ba de da, ba de da daaaaaaaaaaaa!