IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR ME BITCHING:

"QUICK, TO THE LANDOMOBILE!"

This past Monday being Columbus Day meant that 75% of the cable stations all over this great nation of ours participated in that time-honored tradition of scheduling day-long movie marathons like a bunch of lazy Belgian corpses. Okay, I'm not saying that all Belgian corpses are lazy, I'm sure that's not really the case. Just that I know this one Belgian guy, came over to fix my furnace a couple weeks ago and died right in the middle of the job. No warning, no asking "Hey, is it okay if I take a few minutes off to drop dead?" or anything like that. Dude just fell face down on the basement floor and never got up again. Which of course means he never finished fixing the furnace, damn thing's still busted and I can't get anyone else out to do it now because the cops declared the area a crime scene since the guy may or may not have been stabbed by one of the people living under the stairs. Don't know how that's my fault though seeing as I didn't know they were there either. 

Ain't that just like a dead Belgian, always looking for a free ride. 

But back to those lazy bastards at the cable stations. Brilliant strategy actually, giving the bulk of the station staff the holiday off yet still keeping content flowing over the airwaves thus avoiding any backlash from those pesky corn-holers at the FCC. All it takes is some brain-dead mouth-breather left alone in the broadcast booth to change the tapes every two hours. I speak from experience since that's how I worked my way through school… kinda. Good money if you can get it, only experience required is a basic understanding of how to tell time and knowing which end of the tape goes in the machine first. I wasn't really that strong with the whole telling time thing at first but I had a friend down at the station who hooked me up. It's all about who you know. Still, connections and sexual favors only take you so far in the game, the ride had to end sometime and they eventually replaced me with a stronger candidate. But I wouldn't trade my twenty-three hours in show business for anything. 

Hairy f@%ker gets one lousy point higher than me on the
aptitude test and I'm out on my ass.

All this has been leading somewhere, swear to God. On Monday the good folks over at Spike TV put the monkey in the chair and queued up a Star Wars movie marathon to commemorate Christopher Columbus and his journey across the ocean blue to rape the new world. Not really a stretch for the Spike staff since they run a Star Wars marathon for every holiday except Martin Luther King Jr. Day. (Racists!) And being who I am (GEEK!) I watched a couple hours of it. 'Bout halfway through Empire — for you laymen, that's what we insiders call The Empire Strikes Back — I remembered something that's bugged me about that film ever since the 754th time I saw it about twelve years ago. (Ah, so much wasted time.) 

Lemme set the scene for you. Rebel scum Han Solo, Princess Leia and a couple other minor characters are on the run from Darth Vader and his fellow protectors of law and order. So these miscreants decide to take a jaunt over to the planet Bespin and try to get Han's old buddy (and the universe's only resident black guy) Lando Calrissian to aid them in their flight from justice. Seems that Lando is the administrator of a (somewhat) legitimate Tibanna gas mining operation located on the aptly named floating metropolis Cloud City — which looks a lot like the spacecraft Jupiter II from the old Lost in Space TV series. And for anyone old enough to remember Lost in Space… I'm sure that AARP registration form will be showing up in your mailbox any day now.

Now I'm not saying they stole the design but… bullshit, that's exactly what I'm saying! 

Well Darth Vader — being the conscientious public servant that he is — manages to get to Cloud City before Han, Leia and the rest of their gang of ne'er-do-wells can arrive seeking refuge and he takes them all into custody. Well, this of course does not sit well with the likes of Han Solo and his gun moll because they feel justified in their actions no matter who gets hurt in their beef with the legitimately elected government. And while cooling his heels in a Cloud City holding cell, Han unfairly accuses poor Lando of betraying their friendship by not siding with him and his rebel whore. Harsh words are exchanged and the sad scene ends with Han looking like the wronged party while Lando comes off as a bit of a yellow-bellied cad. 

As if we don't all know the real reason for Han's misplaced feelings of resentment.
Two hands there, Lando.

With all the special editions that Lucas — that's George Lucas to us in the know — has put out over the years, I want to know why he never used his CGI addiction to add in some dialogue to that scene and have Lando tell Han where to go and what to do with his bullshit sense of indignation. See, Han and Leia are all pissed off and feel like Lando should have helped them instead of crawling into bed with Vader. Especially since Vader is just using the two of them as bait in his hunt for fellow scofflaw Luke Skywalker. Well I would pay good money to see this flick one more time if it meant finally getting a version of that exchange where Lando pimp-slaps Han across the room and breaks it down for him a little something like… 

"Oh I'm sorry, do you not like the way this all turned out? Were you looking for a different outcome to this little adventure? I bet you were hoping that you could just drop in on me after all these years and make me an accomplice in your little outlaw road trip, weren't you? The f@%k is wrong with you, man? There's about five million beings in this city who before yesterday weren't on anyone's shit list until you had to bring the Empire to my front door! And when Vader shows up and puts his big f@%king space gun to those five million heads, you honestly think I'm supposed to just screw all of them over for three idiots and a talking bag of spare parts? (Threepio) Sure, lemme get right over there on the intercom and tell everyone that they're fired. Which unfortunately means that when Vader pulls the trigger and ventilates their asses with laser beams, they won't have health insurance to help patch up the holes because I sold them all out for some "friend" (Spoken with air quotes for maximum sarcastic effect.) I haven't seen in like twenty years, some stuck up bitch that I just met and some asshole I've never even heard of! Really? That how you think I shoulda played it, "old buddy"? (Air quotes again.) Tell you what, you think about that while I go outside, grab a smoke and f@%k your mother. Then I'm gonna let all the city's death stick addicts (A galaxy far far away's version of meth heads) turn tricks for money in the Millennium Falcon and get shame stains all over your rich Corellian leather seats. In the meantime… eat a dick!" 

 "And you see that over there, second star to the right?
That's how far you can shove your f@%king rebellion!"

That would be the shit! Of course it won't ever play out that way because Lucas is retiring from the business of unnecessarily fixing Star Wars and is hopefully devoting his free time and considerable resources to finally fixing Howard the Duck. Don't look at me like that. That movie is only three or four deft cuts and reedits away from being a masterpiece! 

Don't just stand there thinking about it, ya idiot…
MAKE IT HAPPEN!

So I guess when Veteran's Day rolls around and Spike phones it in yet again with another marathon, I'll just have to settle for the same old results as always. Watch for the 873rd time as Lando does indeed tell five million people to suck it and throws away everything he's worked for and built over the years for the sake of a bunch of damn dirty terrorists. (Yes, the rebels were terrorists.) Still, things worked out for Lando in the end, no need to worry about him. After the rebellion he drifted around for a while, had trouble finding work in the new Republic's administration but eventually landed on his feet, they hooked him up… kinda. Like I said, all about who you know. 

 "God, I miss that cape. Bitches loved the cape"

Apparently they DIDN'T hear about his little maneuver at the Battle of Taanab.