DESPITE APPEARANCES TO THE CONTRARY…

I am not dead yet. Although I can totally understand why you might think that since I haven't been around in a while. (I believe the word you're looking for is… DUH!)

But as I was trying to say before I imagined you interrupting me, here's the thing, Star Trek: Insurrection, you ever see it? No? What's that? You're not into Star Trek because you never got beaten up in high school and don't suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Swirlie Disorder)? Okay, I get that and I envy you for it. 

Of course, no gigantic, menacing face appears anywhere in the film.
Another example of how Hollywood lies!  

Star Trek: Insurrection, the ninth overall film of the series, the third to feature the Next Generation cast, saw the Enterprise-E (badass ship) travel to an exotic region of space to encounter a race of people called the Baku. The Baku hung their hats on a planet at the heart of a nebula dubbed the Briar Patch. That name of course is a reference to the home of Br're Rabbit, a fictional character made famous in the embarrassingly racist Disney film Song of the South. Don't even bother looking for it on DVD or Netflix, Disney has long since buried that f@%ker. I actually saw it in the theater back in 1980. Don't know what I was thinking going in but I remember telling the ticket lady to suck my black balls as I walked out. Sweet little old white woman didn't really deserve that and in retrospect I feel bad, but she's most likely been dead for like twenty-five years so… whatever. And more importantly, now that I think about it, what the hell was Star Trek doing referencing that racist bullshit anyway? Three hundred years in the future, all kinds of space shit has happened, humanity is supposedly all advanced beyond belief and whatnot, but those assholes can't come up with a better name for the region other than an allusion to that relic from Walt Disney's dark heart? 

Could only have been worse if it said 'Tyler Perry presents…' above the title. (Shudder!) 

Still, I realize that the stories of Br're Rabbit were around well before Walt Disney went and put his bigoted stink on them so maybe Starfleet's archaic reference might not be a bad thing. And yes, I'm rambling off topic again. But come on, admit it, you love it when I do that. You've missed me doing that. You think it's pretty sexy, don't you? No? I'm wrong on all counts? You think I'm kind of an ass? Okay, got it, thank you for your brutal honesty. Moving on… (sniff) in a moment. Hang on…

Getting back to Star Trek, (as if I ever leave it) the gases in the Briar Patch made it impossible for any ships inside to communicate with the universe beyond. Adding insult to bullshit was the fact that the nebula also hindered warp travel so that if the Enterprise wanted to communicate with Starfleet they had to travel for two days at impulse speed (slow as space shit) to get out and get a signal. This made it really difficult for Picard to brag to his captain buddies back on Earth that he totally fingerbanged some three hundred year old Baku chick. 

But that ass was looking pretty good after
 three centuries of wear and tear, so it's cool.

Why am I telling you all this? What does all of this mean? What does any of this have to do with anything else? Who would win in a fight, Captain Picard or Br're Rabbit? Well the answer to that last one is simple, a guy with a phaser versus a racially inappropriate cartoon rabbit? No brainer. 

"Some of my best friends are black!
Not really, but still… F@%k you, rabbit!" 

As for all that other stuff, the reason is this: due to circumstances that I won't bother to explain, (because I've already taken up too much of your time) I currently find myself in an area where clear signal is a very hard commodity to come by. Like the aforementioned badass Starfleet vessel, one has to travel several miles away from home and hearth just to update one's Facebook status. 

But as a very good friend of mine (shout-out to my girl Jenette) recently reminded me, I have a responsibility to all of you. I started something here over a year ago and I shouldn't let a little adversity get in the way of delivering the goods. Okay, she didn't really say any of that shit. All she said was "Why aren't you blogging anymore?" But I usually listen with my ego so I heard it the other way. So here I am in the parking lot of a downtown daycare center, sprawled out in the back of my SUV with a laptop and a hotspot, making a bunch of preschool teachers really nervous. But screw them, this place has awesome signal and they should be thankful I left the ice cream truck in the garage this time around. (Please don't ask me why I even have the truck.) The shit I go through just so that I can post and let you all know that I'm not dead.

Suppose I could have just said that at the very beginning. In fact, I did say that… and then I went on to say all that other stuff. Point is, I'm still very much alive and though posting ain't as easy as it used to be I still intend to do it as often as I can, all the while convincing myself that you care. No matter how long I have to sit here in front of the Little Angels Preschool, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the teachers, no matter how many times they call the police to come check out the creepy guy downloading questionable material in the parking lot… which by the sound the authoritative tap-tap-tap on my window means at least one time already.

Looks like I gotta go now, but I'll be back sooner rather than later because I'm pretty sure the county lock-up is in a 4G zone. So this could actually turn out to be good for me… provided my cellmate is nice enough to let me post after lights out. 

"I don't give a shit what your name is. I'm just gonna call you Bottom."

On second thought, I might be busy after lights out… what with all the crying and the hurting and the stress of wondering if he'll respect me in the morning.