WHY THE BRICKS GOTTA BE YELLOW?

Little known fact, Lincoln's left hand was behind his back
with fingers crossed as he promised not to free the slaves. 

Well Obama went and got his ass inaugurated yesterday, but as you can see, I don't have the pictures to prove it. Totally his fault though, seeing as every time he opens his mouth it's always "Lincoln this…" and "Lincoln that…" and "If Lincoln were here he'd be all into me." Compares himself to the Great Emancipator so damn much that you Google 'Obama' and Lincoln is what you get. But that's enough about that guy, (I mean Obama, not Lincoln), tired of talking about him. What's he ever done that's so special… aside from that whole first black President, nominated for a second term, yadda yadda yadda, hope and change and shut the hell up! Not here to talk about all that today. Today it's my girl Terri's turn in the barrel. Why Terri? Because she gave me poop about that last post having so much about Star Trek in it. Not that this is exactly a new thing, see she's always giving me poop about one thing or another. Star Trek, Aquaman, my addiction to prescription cupcakes, the adult diaper I keep in my backpack for emergency purposes… (sometimes I laugh too hard). But whatever, I ain't mad at her.

Okay, maybe I'm a little bit mad at her. 

But seeing as Terri's not without her own geek sins then she really has no right to be casting stones. Still she does, with real stones and let me tell you, that woman throws hard. One of Terri's biggest geek weaknesses — or Geeknesses™ as I like to call them — is her freakish obsession with the Wizard of Oz. As much as I'm into Star Trek, double that shit and then add seven… then multiply by four, carry the two, modify the remainder, divide the integer (then tell me what f@%k-all any of that means because I'm retarded at math) and that'll give you the amount of fanatic drool that pours out of her when you mention anything to do with Dorothy, witches, ruby red slippers, yellow bricks or Munchkins. Seriously, it's gross.

Don't exactly know what she does with these things but there's candles
and wine involved so it's just best to leave the room and not look back. 

With all that going on, one can only imagine what's happening in 

her head these days with the upcoming theatrical release of Disney's Oz The Great and Powerful just a little over a month away. See, Terri's obsession isn't restricted solely to the classic Wizard of Oz but also branches out to engulf other versions and takes on the mythology. Especially the hit Broadway musical, Wicked. Good Lord, she f@%king loves Wicked, always trying to get me to read the novel that the musical was based on. Always giving me grief about the fact that I f@%king hated the musical and therefore won't bother reading the novel. 

This was as close as they ever got to any hot witch-on-witch action,
so of course I thought the show sucked. 

Funniest thing that only recently occurred to me though — what with the whole black President, MLK Day, upcoming Black History Month stuff going on — is that there's one version of the Wizard's world that Terri's never mentioned, The Wiz. Remember The Wiz? Well unless you're middle-aged and/or black then you probably don't. I happen to be both so yeah, I remember The Wiz. An all-black version of the Wizard of Oz that originally debuted on Broadway in the 70s and made a brief star out of Stephanie Mills, was later made into a film starring Diana Ross and Michael Jackson. There's been some smaller revivals of the show from time to time… and they've done about as well as one would expect of a black production these days without Tyler Perry's name attached to it. And yeah, second post in a row making mention of Tyler Perry. (Have to, he's friends with President Obama so it's pretty much a law now.) 

There was some public outcry about Toto being a Scottish Terrier instead
of a Black Lab. But it ended quickly when they kicked me out of the theater. 

Now the fact that Terri's not black (or so she says) but is old enough to remember The Wiz yet never mentions it the way she does Wicked — or even the 1985 stinker Return to Oz — should by no means be taken the wrong way. Hell, I hadn't thought of that show and/or movie in years… decades even so I ain't gonna be hatin' on my girl for it. Stealing my identity, implicating me in a murder, using me as a drug mule, turning my twin brother into an assassin with orders to kill me… these are but a few of the reasons I have to hate Terri. But aside from all that, she's good people with a really big heart, (she's on medication for that) always makes me feel welcome in her home so long as I enter and leave through the back door every time and I always stay in the kitchen while I'm there. Hold on though, that has nothing to do with racist tendencies and more to do with my tendency to have a lot of accidents on furniture and rugs. Hence the adult diaper thing I mentioned before. 

THAT GATE WON'T KEEP ME OUT FOREVER, WOMAN! 

So it's not as bad as I'm making it sound, let's not string Terri up just yet. Save that anger for when you find out about how she waterboards squirrels for raiding her bird feeder. (Which I guess would be now since I just told you.) But as far as the whole Wiz thing is concerned, race isn't even an issue. Hardly anybody ever mentions it because the movie sucked and is best left as a forgotten chapter of black entertainment history… just like Homeboys In Outer Space. (No, don't even think I'm posting a graphic of that shit.) I'm just playing around to get Terri riled up. I like to poke the bear by doing shit like this… and by calling her a bear. Besides, she happens to be a big fan of a version of that wonderful world that's very racially diverse.

Say it with me now kids: Violence and drugs and man-rape… Oh my! 

True, the HBO series had absolutely nothing to do with the wizard's world, but Terri doesn't believe that. Far as she's concerned, once they slapped on the title it all became a part of the grand mythology and nothing's gonna change her mind about that. I know, I tried to tell her once and she beat me senseless with a thigh-high full of cookie dough. Then she baked the cookies and made me watch from the gate as she and my twin brother ate them in the living room with cocoa during a Meet the Browns marathon on TBS. 

Actually, racism's starting to look pretty good at this point. 

We have a very complex relationship. 

Please help me?