FRIENDS LIKE THESE:

"Sweetie, click 'Like' if you wanna split an appetizer." 

Remember when the phrase "I made a friend today" meant you had gone out into the world, met someone new, found some common ground, came to the mutual conclusion that you didn't make one another sick and decided that ya'll could hang together? That took effort, didn't just happen, usually involved a shared experience or a conversation at the very least. Anyone you told about the acquisition of said new pal could be reasonably sure that you had actually left the house at some point.

Last new friend I made involved a click and a poke. (Heh heh) That doesn't mean that I don't value that person's friendship, not what I'm saying at all. In fact, I'm very fond of all my Facebook friends. (Not gonna admit that I love them because that would make it weird.) Just that there are some that I've never actually met face-to-face and I feel that both sides are missing out on something because of this. (They're missing out more than me of course because I'm awesome.) I only wish sometimes that I could know all my friends in the biblical sense. No, not that way! I mean the kind of biblical where we all gather together in fellowship to stone women for being un-clean. Just a bunch of good friends hooking-up in person to chuck rocks at whores. What could be more American than that? Then again, I also prefer manual over power windows and believe that the world portrayed in the show Revolution would be a good thing to happen to humanity. So my perspective on the matter might be a little off.

If they don't have any power, how do they film the show?
Yeah, you think about that. 

But social media is the way to make and stay in touch with friends these days so I accept it as part of everyday life. Hell, it's how I got most of you here to pay heed to my rant so I ain't one to complain. And truth be told, I enjoy Facebook a great deal. Glad that I eventually got over my fear and signed on. Hate to think what election season would've been like without it. Probably would've been pretty empty and meaningless without access to everyone's political views and vitriol. 

"Hashtags aren't supposed to hurt." :(

Still, not all of my friends are part of the experience. I personally know several holdouts to the phenomenon, luddites if you will, that refuse to get on board. And not just Facebook, but all forms of social media, Twitter, Instagram, Google Plus… and whatever else might be out there. Is MySpace still a thing or have they officially changed their name to StalkerNet? 

MySpace unveils their new mobile server closet.

Not for nothin' (Am I using that phrase correctly?) but that's just kinda f@%king selfish of those people. I mean, it was a different deal a few years back when maybe four or five members of your social circle were on The Facebook. (Remember the days when it was called THE Facebook?) But that was long ago, almost a lifetime in tech years. Sean Parker got involved, they dropped the 'THE' from the name and that made it soooo much better and then other stuff happened, but I can't remember much more since I was half-asleep when I saw The Social Network.

Today there's kids friending their grandparents, pets with their own pages and even funeral homes offering special deals on putting your dearly departed in a hole if you 'Like' them. Yet there's still those stubborn few who just won't play along with the rest of us. So when you've got shit to share, be it news, vacation pics, viral video or some stupid meme that you want to let all your friends in on, all you need do is post it… so that it can be seen by most of them. Then after doing that, you can make like you're back in Y2K all over again and waste nearly 45 perfectly good seconds sending email attachments to those few jackholes that won't get with the Goddamn program!

So let's all do whatever we need to do to get these nonconformists in line. Make them understand the inconvenience they're subjecting the rest of us to. Stress to them the level of bullshit inherent in making us do all that extra work just to keep them in the loop. Talk to them, buy them dinner, bake them a cake, get them a hooker, use pics of them with the hooker to blackmail them into joining Facebook. And after they join, post the blackmail photos anyway and tag me on them because I like to see nasty shit like that. 

Zuckerberg made me post this! He has my family!
Please, just do what he wants and they won't be hurt!

BTW, today being when we celebrate Veterans Day, I'd like to take this moment to give a shoutout to all those who have served and still serve in our military and thank them for all they do to keep us free and safe. No better way I can think of to do that than with… ARMY BOOBS!

Nice try Sugar, but I can still see 'em.
CAMOUFLAGE FAIL!

I realize this doesn't do anything for a lot of the ladies who serve and might even be considered offensive to some of them. But hey, that's what you gals are out there fighting for, defending my freedom to be an insensitive prick. And for that, I thank you once again.