SEASONAL DESPAIR

A truly gruesome scene Thursday, as Tom Brady
 finished off what's left of the Jets' defense.

Contrary to the depression suggested by the title, I was actually quite happy when I sat down to tap this one out. The despair part comes later because I originally wanted to talk about the New England Patriots — one of my favorite subjects — and that always makes me happy. And how happy am I that the NEP beat the smelly brown paste out of the New York Jets on Thanksgiving night? Happier than if a some good samaritan were to bend those annoying GEICO dudes over an actuary's desk and shove their instruments up their insurance peddling asses. 

That mandolin being smaller won't make it any easier once the ass-shovin' starts.

But enough about me and my dreams of violence against modern-day minstrels. (Almost as bad as mimes far as I'm concerned.) I sincerely hope your holiday was as good as mine. I mean really, Pats 49 - Jets 19… 'nuff said. Oh yeah and my family was there too so I guess that was also nice. Then came the day after and sadly, what used to be a time for kicking back with cold turkey sandwiches and leftover pie has been forever bad-touched by the phenomenon of avarice called Black Friday. My wife was one of those crazy people who went out into the wee hours of the Black morning to battle for bargains within the halls of commerce. She came back a different person than she was when she left. Black Friday changes you in ways you can't imagine. She won't even let me touch her. Not that she'd let me touch her before Black Friday, but I was kinda hoping that would've been one of the ways she had changed. (It wasn't.) 

A sight like this makes retail managers simultaneously shit and jizz in their pants. 

All right then, that happened, made it through Friday. Spent money we didn't really have on shit we absolutely didn't need. But it's cool, just one day so no big deal. Day after that was a great day for college football, Showdown Saturday. Florida vs. Florida State! Notre Dame vs. USC! Ohio State vs. Michigan! BTW, Ohio State 26 - Michigan 21! Again… 'nuff said. GO BUCKEYES! Oh, and it was also Small Business Saturday so there was that too. Wait… WHAT?

Yeah, this must be a new thing because I've never heard of it. Then again, I'd never heard of foreplay until sometime last year and from what I'm told, that's been around for quite some time and apparently the ladies seem to like it. (Starting to see why the wife won't let me touch her?) So it's quite possible that I don't know everything. So where'd this Small Business shit come from all of a sudden? After the big boy stores like Target, Walmart, Kohl's and Toys 'R' Us took all our ready cash on Friday, now we're supposed to spend more at mom & pop shops the very next day? Well how the hell are we supposed to pay? Who's f@%king idea was that? 

Oh, well that explains everything. 

Okay, whatever, guess my going further down the path of debt is somehow good for the economy and in the long run that's good for America. (F@%K YEAH!) Thankfully, Sunday came and went without being yet another bullshit day devoted to separating me from my money. Just got to sit around on my ass all day and watch football on the cheap while the wife wrapped presents and decked the halls all by herself. (Seriously, why does she even stay with me?) And here it is Monday morning and I thought the worst was behind me. Thought we were officially past all that, out of the woods so to speak, clear sailing and all that shit. WRONG! There's money yet to be spent my friends because as everyone but me already knew, November 26th is… 

AW COME ON! WHAT THE F@%K? 

That's right, all that shopping that's been going on over the weekend, well now they expect us to do it online all damn day! I don't even know who sponsors this one, no one's stepped up to claim responsibility the way Amex did two days ago. The only two things I have learned about Cyber Monday are: 1). Pay-for-Porn sites do not offer holiday bargains. You'd think they would but they don't. Apparently you gotta pay full price to bust a nut no matter what the season. And 2). When you go searching online for discount spank material but have to settle for busting that nut full price, make sure the Goddamn door is locked. Never know when the little woman is gonna take the morning off so she can stay home and go bargain hunting in her slippers.

Oh wait, I learned one more thing… the holiday season is a lousy time to get caught watching girl-on-girl-on-reptile porn with your pants down. And knowing the lengths to which my better half is willing to go for a bargain, I'm betting the fact that I paid full price for the smut might be the reason I'm forced to post this from an alternate location. 

Dammit, you're not helping, Martha Stewart! 

Nah, who am I kidding? I got caught watching Two Girls, One Iguana, safe bet that price wasn't the problem. Gonna be another long and lonely holiday season. Wonder if there's anything good on the Hallmark Channel?