DEARLY BELOVED:

Mmmmmm, tastes like fabulousness…
with a lemon curd filling.

All right, I wasn't going to voice an opinion on this, was just gonna leave it alone and not say anything. But then Biden had to go and open his big mouth which of course got his boss to chime in on it. Well naturally because those two chucklenuts are talking then I guess I might as well go ahead and do the same now since the three of us all live in the same time-zone and it'd be kinda awkward for me to be silent on the matter while they're flapping their gums. Only makes sense, am I right? So for the record, let me officially express my views on gay marriage: I don't give a f@%k!

Now those of you currently rocking an alternative lifestyle just hold on, that was not meant as a condemnation. Just saying that I give as much of a f@%k about you guys getting married as I do about straight people doing likewise. And that is to say none at all. I don't care if men marry other men just the same as I don't care if and when men marry women. And I don't care if women marry other women either. Well maybe I care a little bit about that last one. And by 'care' I mean fantasize a great deal to the point of being an obsession that one might think to be unhealthy if one were to ever get a glimpse of my Internet history. (Should really get around to deleting that.) 

Of course all lesbians act this way… when they know I'm watching.

The only marriages I give a real damn about are my own and that's the way it should be because they're the only ones I gotta deal with. Wait… did I just pluralize that whole sentence? Shit! Slipped up for a sec. Must be tired… don't usually do that. Look, let's just pretend I didn't say that, okay? Just for the sake of argument we'll say that I'm married to a wonderful woman and leave it at that. Don't concern yourselves with the three ladies that could actually claim to be the aforementioned wonderful woman and I'll continue to hope they only ever meet around my deathbed sometime in the distant future. And that's probably gonna be a pretty awesome spectacle. Well, maybe not for them because they'll be all mad and shit. Probably not so much for me either because… you know, deathbed and whatnot. But it'll be something for my legion of future grandchildren to see. You're welcome, my little legacies.

"Mr. Savage, all three of your wives just met out in the waiting area.
You want me to go ahead and pull the plug now before they come in?" 

All right, enough of my sad future demise and back into to stuff that matters. While my sense of general apathy for all relationships that don't include me probably goes a long way towards making me the most tolerant person in America, there are plenty of others who don't share my superior worldview. Such people will usually truck out the same tired old bible passage to justify their belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Talking about Leviticus 18:22 which says: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination." The exact wording varies depending on which edition you're reading from but that's how the text flows in my bible. Yes, I have a bible. No, it doesn't burst into flames when I touch it. (Bleeds a little but that's all.) No mention of woman lying with woman as an abomination though. That's simply because women didn't really start doing that sort of thing until the early 1970s, right around the time they also discovered the female orgasm. Safe bet one had to do with the other. (These are facts.)

Hey you know what else the bible refers to as an abomination? Shellfish. Or as the Good Book puts it: "Whatsoever hath no fins or scales in the water, that shall be an abomination unto you." (They really liked throwing the A-word around back then.) There's a couple more verses on stuff of that nature, laundry list of other things we're not supposed to be eating and/or laying with in a sexual manner. But my bible's becoming kind of illegible from all that blood so I gotta put it down now. Again though, the first thing I took from all that was that as far as the gospel is concerned, God hates people in lobster bibs as much as he hates people in same-sex relationships. 

Nice to see you boys are wearing protection
while you subvert God's law.

Just don't bother telling that to the holy-rollers because they'll be quick to point out that the shellfish thing doesn't count because it happened in the Old Testament. Say, know what else happened in the Old Testament? Yup, the book of Leviticus. In fact, the shellfish thing is Leviticus 11:12, just a few pages before the thing about laying with dudes. So how does shrimp cocktail get a Mulligan but my cousin Carl and his "special friend" Rodney are going to hell for the things they think no one knows they do? And the fact that they're both allergic to shellfish has gotta have some kind of ironic component to it. Crap… did I just out Carl and Rodney? Sorry fellas, again, I'm tired and don't usually slip up like that. But really, it was time. And to be clear, I personally don't believe God hates anyone for loving another of his children. That's just how I see it.

Putting religion aside for the rest of this post, (probably better that way) as for that nonsense about gay marriage threatening the sanctity of traditional marriage, well that shit's been bandied about for a while now, so most likely I have nothing new to add to that discussion. Still, that's never stopped me before so let me just throw out this simple pop quiz. In the house next to mine we have what we'll label Situation-A. Carl and Rodney got hitched and moved in with their two tiny accessory dogs, Little Miss Thang and Mmmm-Hmmm. (So happy for those guys even if they are only figments of my imagination.) In the two-story colonial located on the other side of my happy home we have newlyweds Beth and Allie who live with their three children. All three kids have Beth's eyes, Allie's nose, different daddies and various hair/eye color combinations. (We don't know where the f@%k they came from and we don't wanna know where the f@%k they came from. Just don't stare at them and for God's sake don't EVER feed 'em after midnight!) Beth, Allie and their freaky offspring are Situation-B. Now I ask you, which living situation is more of a threat to my marriage? The answer of course is Situation-C for Candice, the desperate widow across the street that I regularly bang on Saturday afternoons while both our kids are playing freeze-tag with the genetic oddities over at Casa de Lesbian. Candice is cool, good people, salt-of-the-Earth type, you'd like her. Real shame what happened to her husband though. And I hope they find the random black guy that killed him that night while I was somewhere else and nowhere near the scene of the crime. (wink) 

Is it wrong that that's actually MY underwear on the floor? 

Hear that conservative lawmakers? You wanna protect traditional marriage? Then put your money where your mouths are and make adultery illegal, plain and simple, end of story and shut the hell up! Because as long as Newt Gingrich can cheat and re-marry at will and have his pal Rush Limbaugh bring a shiny new wife to each ceremony then no one should have to listen to anything any of you have to say on what makes a mockery of traditional marriage.

Beth and Allie's tribe segues us nicely to my final point because we can't have this discussion without mentioning children since there's that very popular and catchy little tune that concisely lays out the proper order of such things. You know… first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby carriages and all other types of stuff that apparently results from kissing in a tree. With that kind of hard science behind it I'd be remiss if I didn't mention little ones. Also be remiss if I didn't drop the word remiss in here somewhere because I just love the way it sounds. REMISS! That being said… REMISS… and now it's been said again, I have no problem with children being raised in a same-sex environment. Especially considering that I know more than a few "traditional" couples that I wouldn't trust to properly care for a f@%king cactus much less raise a child. Yet they're free to have as many as they like simply because nature gave them the ability to fire babies out like some sweaty Pez dispenser. Well nature gave me the ability to do plenty of things that the law says I'm not allowed to do even in the privacy of my own home… or especially on the steps of the Chinese embassy. Same sex couples wanna do the surrogate thing or the artificial insemination thing and have babies? Fine by me. They wanna adopt and provide a loving home to some needy kid? Even better. 

Except for certain instances. No child
should be raised in a bad 80s sitcom!

Guess I should kinda wrap this up though because I have another cactus to bury. Don't worry about what he was doing playing in traffic in the first place! You mind your business and stop trying to tell me how to raise my plants or my kid! Where is my kid anyway? Whatever, I'm sure he'll find his way home again like always. He's resourceful like that.

This was a long one today but I had a lot to say on the matter. Think we've covered all the bases here, you know where I stand and there can be no ambiguity on the subject. Also, I love the word ambiguity even more than the word remiss so this was a good paragraph for me. Last thing I'll say is this: What we call French kissing here in America is simply called a kiss over in France. A Mexican stand-off south of the border is just a f@%king stand-off. And we're not really gonna be the free and just society we like to think we are until same-sex marriage simply becomes marriage. (*sniff* That's beautiful man.) And now I'm done with the speechifying.

Besides, a few years from now married gays and lesbians are gonna realize their mistake and know how good they had it before and regret everything just like the rest of us. Hey conservative lawmakers, wanna have some real fun? Deny same-sex divorces, then it'll be a party!

PLANET OF THE CAPES:

This picture actually makes me swoon. 

I remember it like it was yesterday… even though it was really like twenty-seven years ago. It was a Saturday, I was visiting my local comic book shop… local being a relative term since the place was about four towns up the line and required bus fare and a couple transfers to get to. But that's neither here nor there and not important to the story. Forgive me for even bringing it up. You're not gonna forgive me, are you? Just gonna hang on to this and hold a grudge like always? Just like that time I forgot your birthday. Fine… whatever. 

I was hitting the shop with a buddy of mine, Rob was his name and also in attendance was a guy Rob knew named Brian whom I'd briefly met once before. But this was my first time being properly introduced to Brian and it was a pretty cordial affair right up until we walked into the shop. The shop in question was a place called Galaxy Comics in Norwalk, CT, long gone and very missed by now, much like its owner Fred G. (R.I.P. dude.) Anyway, we all walked in together to the sight of the new comics displayed on segregated shelves, all new offerings from DC Comics (home to the likes of Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman) to the left and the offerings of their esteemed competitor Marvel Comics (producers of Spider-Man, The X-Men and that fine bunch of folks pictured above) to the right. Or actually, that might have been the other way around, Marvel might have been to the left. I mean really, twenty-seven years dude, I'm lucky if I get the names right at this point.

But what I do remember clearly was immediately leaving the pack and making a beeline for the DC side as Brian did likewise toward the Marvel section. And in a moment neither of us will ever forget, we looked at each other from across the room, saw the obvious joy and excitement we each had for the heroes and fictional universes being put forth by the two very different comic companies. Both of us had made a silent statement, pledged our fanboy allegiance to our respective favorites and in that shared moment we simultaneously had the same thought: "He likes THAT shit? What a loser." Been best friends ever since.

Well Brian's a west-coaster these days but he's still my boy, we're still emotionally close, he's still my brother (wipes a tear) and I think about him almost every day. Especially over this past weekend, right before this happened to me*.

*Not a depiction of actual events, since I would never wear a 
tie with a Double Windsor Knot. Also, I'm not a white dude.
And most importantly, headless corpses don't write blog posts!

Well that's what it felt like anyway when I went to see Marvel's The Avengers at my local multiplex. (Ooohhhhhhh!) Sorry, swooned again. Sat there in the theater and had my mind-hole f@%ked by the massive cinematic rod of awesomeness that Marvel unzipped before my eyes. (A totally unpleasant but fairly accurate description of the sensation.) And my boy Brian was right there with me in spirit. His was the little voice in my soon to be exploding head whispering: "Where's your DC Comics now, loser?"

Damn him and his spectral self, he was absolutely right. The Avengers raked in close to $207 million dollars domestically in its opening weekend. And Marvel did it with characters that only six years ago were not nearly as recognizable as DC's big guns. 

I'm sorry, who the hell are you again?

I don't think it even matters what The Dark Knight Rises does in theaters later this summer. The end of Chris Nolan's epic Batman trilogy might get near the $200 million mark, but probably won't do it in the first weekend. I'd love to be wrong about that, I really would, but I mean The Avengers had… EVERYTHING!

Now I've read a couple of reviews that have urged DC to follow Marvel's lead, to get on the stick and finally make a Justice League movie a reality. For those of you who didn't spend your high school years extracting yourselves from lockers and pulling wedgies out of your crack, the Justice League is THE comic book super team. Or at least they were before today. 

Sure, you all look like a nice bunch of well-adjusted folks. 

But it would just be kinda like the space race at this point. Remember what the Russians did after America beat the them to the moon? Okay, most of you are probably too young to remember that but basically they just said: "трахните это!" (That's Russian for f@%k it!) No use being second to the moon and planting their flag next to ours, walking around in Neil Armstrong's footsteps. America got there first, peed all over it and claimed it as our own so why bother? Maybe not totally the same thing here but… kinda. 

"That's one small step for man… one giant reason for Russia to SUCK IT!"

I know there's distribution rights and copyrights and a whole lot of other legal reasons the Justice League hasn't happened yet. (F@%king lawyers!) But there simply has to be a way to work through that junk and by not doing so DC blew it, big time. Of course, it's not like they never tried with the Justice League before. There's been several successful cartoons and animated movies. There was also that time back in 1997 when CBS made a pilot film for a possible JL TV series. They just couldn't use Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman because… you know, legal reasons. So instead they had to run with a bunch of B-listers and unknown properties. Kinda like Marvel just did. How'd that work out back in 97? In a word… not well. Okay, that's really two words but I'll only charge you at the single word rate. You're welcome.

At least the masks made it easier for the actors' parents to 
lie to friends about what their children did during the 90s.

And it looks as if the Marvel hits just keep coming as The Amazing Spider-Man swings into theaters this summer as well which I'm sure will just add a few hundred more piles of money to the Marvel coffers. Then waiting in the wings they've got Captain America 2, Iron Man 3, there's another couple of X-Men movies in the works, possibly a third Hulk film, and of course, a just announced Avengers 2 in the next few years. Over at DC? Well let's see, Dark Knight Rises is the last Batman film for a while. Got the new Superman movie Man of Steel coming next year and if they at least get the costume right then it's already guaranteed to be better than the crap sandwich that was Superman Returns. I mean… 

Wait… THAT's the outfit?
Son of a bitch! 

AW SHUT THE HELL UP, BRIAN!

But never one to miss a perfectly good bandwagon… here's this week's strip. 

SKIN FLICKS 101:

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax… of cabbages and kings." ~ Lewis Carroll, 1872

But to hell with all that egghead nonsense. I'm here to talk about bangin' on film, so let's get to this week's installment of…

Okay, so this week's installment is also the ONLY installment, but whatever, stop quibbling. This stuff's important so pay attention. And a word of warning: if you're easily offended… then what the f@%k you doing here? But in fairness I guess I should provide you with a way out. So if you want to leave then click the link and you'll be taken somewhere safe. Ya big baby.

For you brave souls that stuck around, just let me say that our focus here today will be mainly on movies and video porn since any mention of print pornography would have to include these three cats.

From left to right: Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt.
And ladies, try not to fall in love.

I don't really wanna talk about them because… ewww. Just back away from them slowly and let's get on with the history of cinematic fornication, shall we?

1972: Deep Throat, one of the first porn films in the history of the genre to actually feature a plot sees a limited theatrical release. It's also the first film to make pizza delivery a dirty, dirty thing. The film was controversial in many ways, most notably for its subject matter, the touching story of a young woman's quest to find her lost lady-button. As luck would have it (for any guys she happened to hook-up with) said button was eventually found to be located at the back of her throat. But unless she'd been on a liquid diet her entire life, shouldn't she have known this? You'd think her first clue would've been the way scarfing back a burger always caused her to spasm out and crave a cigarette or look for someone to cuddle. On second thought, I know plenty of women with normal anatomies who react that same way to food. So yeah, that behavior most likely wouldn't raise any flags. 

1972: (You know, just later that same year.) Behind the Green Door starring former Ivory Girl (Remember them?) Marilyn Chambers is the first porn to see a nationwide release with distribution numbers to rival mainstream films of that time. Green Door also made history as the first feature length porn film to contain an interracial sex scene. That was the part of Dr. King's 'I Have a Dream' speech that didn't make the final cut. "… when all God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics will be able to drink from the same fountain and tap from the same ass." All right, he didn't really say anything about a fountain, I just threw that part in. But racial politics aside, Green Door is most notable for its use of slow motion photography to produce a seven minute money-shot. Just thinking about that makes me wanna roll over and go to sleep. 

1973: The Devil in Miss Jones rode in on the coattails (As if any of them actually wore coats. Or any clothes for that matter.) of Deep Throat and Green Door and broke box office records for the time. Starring Georgina Spelvin, who at 36 was considered pretty old for a porn star (WHAT?) Devil was more commercially successful than both its predecessors combined. (Go on old girl! Represent!) The movie even competed against mainstream titles, finishing tenth in total box office for the year just behind Roger Moore's first outing as James Bond in Live and Let Die. There's a Pussy Galore joke to be made in there somewhere, but I'm really too tired to look for it. 

1977: Star Wars was released to theaters that year and while clearly not a porn film, today being Star Wars Day — May the 4th be with you. — we'll stretch the parameters since Luke Skywalker did lust after his sister, Princess Leia. And she was no angel either. Just look at the poster, the way she's all pushing up on him, sinful. And though we wouldn't find out about their family status until Return of the Jedi, six years later, it just makes me feel dirty thinking about it even in retrospect. And really, that's what porn is supposed to do, just make a motherf@%ker feel dirty. So it makes the list. Plus, without it this would be an entire blog post without a single geek reference. And that just ain't me.

1978: Debbie Does Dallas is considered by some to have been the end of the Golden Age of porn that Deep Throat had begun in 72. This claim is supported by the fact that besides this film and the three named previously (Star Wars doesn't count, but it should!), the average person would be hard pressed to name another porn film of any note. And Debbie Does Dallas is perhaps the most famous one of the bunch. Even though the title is absolute bullshit since the story does not take place in Dallas and the film's slutty heroine doesn't actually 'do' anyone from there either. Yet, no one filed suit for fraud, go figure. However, a lawsuit was filed against the film by none other than the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders who took issue with their uniforms being parodied in the marketing of the film. You'd think they'd have been flattered. A good porn parody is the ultimate sign that you've made it.

1979: Caligula, produced by Penthouse founder Bob Guccione… and that's all I'm going to say about that since I still don't wanna talk about him because… yeeeech.

This was the day my mom officially stopped cleaning my room.

The 80s: The era saw the VHS pretty much guide porno theaters down the path to oblivion. The long form porno film would eventually go along with them. Worth noting here is that the porn industry's backing of the VHS format was instrumental in making it successful over rival Betamax, even though Betamax was by far the better technology. Porn is powerful voodoo.

The 90s: DVDs became the thing and porn helped to make that happen as well. Years later the industry would do the same to help Blu-Ray beat out HD DVD as a preferred format. At this point I think we should count ourselves lucky that the industry didn't decide to dabble in politics. Or did they? 

"How YOU doin'?"

The 90s also gave rise (heh heh) to amateur porn. No story, no sets, no actors, just a bunch of exhibitionist a-holes who don't mind climbing into the back of a van and banging on camera for no money. All about having goals I guess.

This photo has not been doctored.
This guy just likes his bitches blurry.

The 2000s… or the Millennium… or the Oughts… (whatever the hell you wanna call it): The Internet got together with amateur smut and took a big crap on the porn industry as a whole. There were some in the industry who were actually into getting crapped on but I try not to judge… even though that type of thing is wrong and bad. Okay, perhaps I judge a little. The Internet helped take the amateur thing even farther by eliminating the need for studios, manufacturing, marketing or distribution. Just f@%k, point and click and congratulations, you're a porn star! Your parents must be so proud. 

And here we are today in 2012 as porn history was made once again, just this past week when none other than the Octo-Mom herself, Nadya Suleman signed with an adult entertainment company to do solo-masturbation porn. After three years of turning down such offers, Suleman, having just filed for bankruptcy, will unveil her echo chamber for all the world to see.

Artist's depiction of Ms. Suleman's…
you know… down there.

Soon after, porn will die choking on its own vomit.

Here ends the lesson. And if you think I came all this way just as an excuse to use that clown car graphic at Ms. Suleman's expense… then you know me so well.

COMIC SECTION:

SLOW NEWS WEEK:

Greeting Citizens! Well we've spent another glorious fortnight in service to the Emperor and reveled in the protections and benefits that come from our continued loyalty. GLORY TO HIS NAME!

(Just go with it and don't make any suspicious moves, he's always watching!)

Seeing as there have been no uprisings, no acts of sedition, no talk of rebellion and zero examples of blatant free will, I am pleased to announce that absolutely NOTHING worth reporting has happened in the last ten days.

(Simply sit there and stare at the screen. If he even catches you blinking wrong he'll send the Personality Wolves to devour your ego and shit you out the other end as a mindless skin bag!)

So in light of the current state of bliss we seem to be enjoying thanks to His benevolence, here's some random and harmless news items and opinions from around the Empire. And again… GLORY TO HIS NAME!

(I curse the day Seacrest got so powerful. We're all damned! Damned I tell you!)

So this is how liberty dies… with extreme handsomeness.

HARMLESS ITEM #1:
There's a big deal being made these days about rude people texting while others are talking to them. Seems like I can't go seven good seconds without hearing some in-bred Luddite crying about technology killing the social graces and making polite conversation a thing of the past. Well of course ya thunderhead, who the hell wants to talk to you if all you're gonna do is whine about how no one wants to talk to you?

"Because textin' is like readin'…
and readin' leads to Satan."

But to a certain extent I agree. If you and I are in the middle of a conversation and I whip out my phone and start twiddling on it, yeah… I'm a jerk, my bad. No excuse for that, no matter how f@%king boring I might find you to be.

However, that being said, the same applies when it goes the other way. If you see me all alone, minding my own business, happily tapping away on my phone, checking Facebook, Twitter, playing Angry Birds, downloading music, porn or even porn music, (some pretty catchy tunes in skin flicks) then it's likewise as rude to start yapping at me about your… your… well whatever banal shit you feel the need to yammer on about while I'm otherwise engaged. Like just this morning I was checking results from the Stanley Cup Playoffs and this guy comes up to me and… all right, put your f@%king phone away! I get it, touché, you don't care about hockey. Fine, moving on.

HARMLESS ITEM #2:
One of the younger guys at my job lost his grandmother last week. And in a show of ultimate compassion, our boss advised him to throw himself into his job, not let grief keep him down, put in some extra hours and let work help him to move on. Also told the kid that it would probably be best if he didn't take a whole day off for the funeral.

Now all that shit is true, no joke, really happened and raises an important question: What the f@%k is wrong with young people today? I ask this because that shit happened and there was no ass-whuppin' as a result. I may not be much of a fighter — Not that much of a lover either if you were to ask my wife. Seriously, why you talking to her anyway? — But in my day, back when my grandmother passed, if my employer had said some shit like that to me, cops would've been involved because a hate crime would've been committed. Not a racially motivated hate crime or anything like that, just simply me hating that asshole enough to beat him into a liquid state with a desk lamp, all the while crying for my Nana.

"Sorry boss, thought I saw a Volkswagon roll by. But please,
do continue talking shit about my dead grandmother."

Yet in the here and now, it didn't go down anything like that. My boy just politely thanked the boss for his advice and walked away leaving the bastard to douche another day. Probably the grumpy old bastard in me talking, but I just don't understand kids today. I blame the Mormons though. No real reason, I just blame them for everything.

Especially for that.

HARMLESS ITEM #3:
The other night I was at CVS and a woman at the pharmacy counter got charged $576 for some medicinal cream that her insurance wouldn't cover. Now I have no idea what she's trying to get rid of, and I was too busy staying far away from her to ask. You know… in case it was contagious or something. But for that price it might be easier to just drop $10.59 on a tube of Mary Kay Cosmetics concealer, (and with her complexion I'd recommend Beige #2) cover up whatever she's got growing on her epidermis and simply learn to live with it.

And never mind how or why I know so much about concealers, all right?

Unless of course the stuff she was buying had something to do with her boobs. You wanna be keeping that area free and clear of all blemish as a public service. Or maybe it was some kind of breast enlarger type stuff. Do they make creams that promote boob growth? Then it'd be totally worth it, whatever the price. That shit's important! And what kind of world do we live in where a product like that wouldn't be covered by insurance?

Oh my God, they totally do make this stuff!
Does it come in different flavors?

HARMLESS ITEM #4:

That looks like it would be the
greatest theme park attraction ever!

Saw Cabin in the Woods last weekend. Good film, lot of fun, if you have any interest in seeing it at all then get to the theater now before some jackass spoils the twists for you. Shit happened to me a few times in the past. Some nutcup spilled about the chick having a dick way back in The Crying Game, couple years later another asshat tells me about Bruce Willis being dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense. I realize that technically I should've have thrown up a SPOILER ALERT before I said anything about those two flicks, but really, they're like 20 and 14 years-old respectively. If you hadn't seen them by now then you were never gonna so most likely I ain't spoiled shit. Not like I'm spilling that the titular cabin in the woods turns out to be a mental institution for alien abductees run by the Church of Scientology. I mean that would be… oh shit.

Kidding… really. But that would be a good movie though.
(Note to self: Call my agent.)

Not spoiling anything though by mentioning that Chris Hemsworth stars in this film and it's just one of three that he's got going on this summer movie season. (Even though Cabin in the Woods came out two weeks ago and it's not really summer yet… I know and SHUT UP!) In about another week Hemsworth the Hunk will officially help kick off the season as Thor in The Avengers. Then about a month later he'll keep it rolling in Snow White and the Huntsman as… well as the Huntsman. I don't think the character even has a name.

Meanwhile Will Smith who used to rule the summer movie season is starring in just one film, Men in Black 3. First movie he's put out in like four years in fact. Been pretty busy I guess, turning his offspring into tiny cash machines and shooing Marc Anthony out of Jada Pinkett's skinny ass.

But don't worry, Will's gonna be back on the cinematic horse soon enough with the release of several just announced projects sure to recapture the crown from that Hemsworth punk. Let's see, he's making Bad Boys 3 and I, Robot 2 and… um… Hancock 2 and probably a bunch of other films that are sure to make us sad for many summers to come.

It's all right Will, you were dreaming about Independence Day
again. Go back to sleep for a few more years. Chris has got this.

HARMLESS ITEM #5:
Actress Sofia Vergara — star of the show Modern Family as well as a frequent guest star of dreams that cause me to wake up in a puddle of my own shame — was denied admittance to a cast party for Ghost: The Musical at New York's Ava Lounge a few nights ago. Reason for this was that she had no ID and couldn't prove that she was over 21 even though she's actually 39.

"Rrrrronald, Mi vida, I wan chu to come over here and…"
That's as far as I ever get in the dreams before… puddles.

Now while that's all well and good and as unreasonably hot as Ms. Vergara may be, I think the thing we really need to focus on here is… HOLY F@%KING SHIT! THERE'S A MUSICAL BASED ON THE MOVIE GHOST? WTH?

Yup, this shit's really happening.

This news is an even bigger cause for concern when you consider the fact that Ghost joins The Color Purple and Sister Act as Broadway musicals with lives that began in the fertile womb of Whoopi Goldberg's film career. Now… (Urrp!) Excuse me… mentioning Whoopi Goldberg and womb in the same sentence has made me a little queasy. (Beeelch!) I'll be okay.(PHHHHFFFFTTTTT!) I sharted.

Anyway, please God, in your infinite wisdom and with your awesome power, put a stop to this trend before someone gets it in their head to produce musical versions of other Goldberg gems like Jumping Jack Flash or Clara's Heart or Star Trek: Generations or… actually God, let's not be so hasty on stopping that last one.

Yeah I'd see this at least twice…
a month… for like a year.

SHAMELESS PLUG:
Lastly, got this little comic strip my friend Terri and I are kinda putting out there as part of our court-ordered community service. Not really sure how this actually helps the community at large but that's the kind of decision that gets made when you sell your kidney for money to bribe a judge. Hey, it keeps us out of prison and serves me right for letting Terri drive the van. Six trash bags full of weed in the back and she cuts off a cop at a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru looking to get her munch on.

But I don't hate her… anymore. Still, we have fun doing it and hope you'll enjoy reading it. If you dig it, check back for more as I'll be posting them here as fast as Terri can pump 'em out. Also, you might wanna check out Terri's personal blog at http://dearassjack.blogspot.com where she'll be posting these as well as other bits of crazy wonderfulness that fall through the cracks in her mind and hit the web with a sickening splat.

Of course if you don't like what we're doing then keep that shit to yourself. No one likes a Negative Nellie.

Well this now concludes our broadcast day. Stay tuned for a message from our Luminous Leader followed by the Imperial Anthem. You'll then have 30 seconds of personal time before the Iron Matrons come to force you into bed and administer your sleep injection. So until next time, good night and…

SLINGS AND ARROWS

I know, I know… I've been neglecting you. You're feeling abandoned and forsaken like most of my natural children. (And those little bastards are legion.) You're probably also starving because I forgot to leave food out before I left. Sorry, my bad. Couldn't be helped, been out of touch, down in Maryland trying to get my hands on that "misplaced" Mega Millions lottery ticket. But don't be thinking I wasted my time searching through every McDonalds in the state looking for the thing based on that bullshit fable that loon Mirlande Wilson has been spreading. No, I went right to the source, the horse's mouth so to speak, tried to get it straight from Wilson herself.

The trucker cap says it all my friends. "Sweet Swine" indeed.

She made me do… dirty things, I ain't gonna lie. Some things were worse than others, some of the things were pretty degrading and other things were downright illegal even in Amsterdam. But there was no pot of gold at the end of that dark, disturbing rainbow, only failure and lies. When it was over I was just happy to get the hell out of there with the few pints of blood and what little dignity I had left in me. I'm kidding of course, I didn't have any dignity before I went down there. Alas, it wasn't meant to be between Mirlande and me but we'll always have Paris. Paris was this transgendered friend of hers and the three of us… you know what, let's just move on.

So have you seen The Hunger Games yet? Have you read the books? Do you even know what the hell I'm talking about? Well if you don't then you're alone in the world because the books have been read by some thirty million people, the flick's raking in the dollars and little girls all over the world wanna be like the story's bow slinging heroine Katniss Everdeen as played by Jennifer Lawrence.

"What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
Does he look like a bitch?" 

And by "wannabe" I mean that the number of girls signing up for archery classes in the United States has seen a pretty significant jump from like whatever it was before to whatever the hell it is today. Now I can't give you actual figures… because I don't know how to count good. Also as you could tell from that last sentence, I don't talk english good either. (I am not a smart man.) But whatever that number is, it's sure to get even higher in the summer when Disney/Pixar releases the animated feature Brave with its CGI, flame-haired mistress of the bow, Merida. 

Is it just me or does it look like
she's lining up for a crotch shot? 

Even the recent release of Wrath of the Titans got in on the act with the character Andromeda — played by that sultry bit of Brit hotness Rosamund Pike — picking up a bow and… well going completely unnoticed since no one really saw that film because they were still packing the theater next door to make The Hunger Games number one for a third straight week. 

"I have a bow too! Care to come watch me shoot stuff?
Please? No? Sod off then you wankers!"

But even though Rosie and the Titans failed to grab any headlines this week, the rule of threes still applies. Three movies, three chicks with bows, three reasons to be afraid. (See, there's three things right there. Scared yet?) Or perhaps I'm just overreacting since this is not a new phenomenon. Movies and television shows of such a nature as the action/fantasy genre have often handed the bow to the ladies when there's a battle to be fought. Gives them something to do, keeps them out of the way, lets them feel like they're making a contribution to the fight. And it's just so gosh darned cute. 

I have got the weirdest boner right now. 

Probably one of the most famous bow chicks of the genre is that blonde honey Legolas from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That movie franchise raked in somewhere close to a gazillion bucks and didn't spawn any kind of female archer apocalypse. And if a gal like Legolas couldn't inspire women the world over to turn their bra straps into bow strings and storm the halls of authority in some sort of Girl Powered revolution then I'm probably just worrying much over nothing because… Wait, what's that now? Legolas was a dude? You sure? Played by Orlando Bloom? Wait… Orlando Bloom is a dude? Really? 

Well that boner just got a lot weirder. 

And while that last exchange was uncomfortably horrific, it does serve to segue us to a very good point, men have been shooting pointy sticks at shit for far longer than women have even been allowed to leave the house. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was a dude that invented the weapon in the first place, probably to impress a chick. But that just goes without saying. I mean really, what don't we do to impress chicks? Hell, trying to impress a woman is why I write this damn blog in the first place. YOU WILL NOTICE ME SOMEDAY, HILARY CLINTON! 

Oh she acts like she doesn't see me, but behind those
sunglasses… sexy eye roll.

Not as if archery is like field hockey or the balance beam or synchronized bathroom trips or any of the three or four other sporting events that are strictly the purview of the fairer sex. Katniss and Merida can be as badass as they want to be, they'll never get anywhere near the popularity of the most famous fictional archer of all time. Yeah, that would be Robin Hood. In fact, I think he might even be more well-known than any real archers that are or have ever been. Quick, name an actual archer… GO! Can't do it, can you? But the legend of Robin of Loxley's been around forever, been played by dozens of dudes, sometimes even when we didn't want them to. Talking to YOU Russell Crowe! 

A grand legacy of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor.
But then the poor just go out and spend it all on booze.

And though there's no cinematic trips to Sherwood Forrest being made anytime in the foreseeable future, the Y-chromosome set will be represented well this summer amidst the Amazon hoards when Jeremy Renner takes to the silver screen (Can we still call it that in the digital age?) as Hawkeye in The Avengers. 

"Hey Scarlett, I got this. What say you make like the 60's
and go fix Daddy a drink? There's a good little girl." 

So you girls wanna pick up a bow and a quiver (that's the little backpack thingie where you keep all the arrows) and learn to shoot like the boys, whatever. It's all good, we ain't threatened by it. Bring it on ladies. Get as good at it as you want to, doesn't matter, cause at the end of the day you're never gonna look as cool doing it as my man Burt Reynolds did back in the day when he was rockin' it in Deliverance. That's the pinnacle right there, dude was the motherf@%king Mack! 

"If the arrow don't kill it then my awesomeness will
because I'm Burt Reynolds, dammit." 

Guess that settles that. Now we can all just get back to… hold up, what have we here? Seems that little Jennifer is back playing Katniss again. And look, she's got herself a leather jacket this time and… and… and… Shit, that is pretty cool right there. 

"Hey Ron, when you're done being wrong, go make Mommy
a sandwich, would you? There's a good little idiot." 

Stupid, stinky girls gotta go and ruin everything!