SEASONAL DESPAIR

A truly gruesome scene Thursday, as Tom Brady
 finished off what's left of the Jets' defense.

Contrary to the depression suggested by the title, I was actually quite happy when I sat down to tap this one out. The despair part comes later because I originally wanted to talk about the New England Patriots — one of my favorite subjects — and that always makes me happy. And how happy am I that the NEP beat the smelly brown paste out of the New York Jets on Thanksgiving night? Happier than if a some good samaritan were to bend those annoying GEICO dudes over an actuary's desk and shove their instruments up their insurance peddling asses. 

That mandolin being smaller won't make it any easier once the ass-shovin' starts.

But enough about me and my dreams of violence against modern-day minstrels. (Almost as bad as mimes far as I'm concerned.) I sincerely hope your holiday was as good as mine. I mean really, Pats 49 - Jets 19… 'nuff said. Oh yeah and my family was there too so I guess that was also nice. Then came the day after and sadly, what used to be a time for kicking back with cold turkey sandwiches and leftover pie has been forever bad-touched by the phenomenon of avarice called Black Friday. My wife was one of those crazy people who went out into the wee hours of the Black morning to battle for bargains within the halls of commerce. She came back a different person than she was when she left. Black Friday changes you in ways you can't imagine. She won't even let me touch her. Not that she'd let me touch her before Black Friday, but I was kinda hoping that would've been one of the ways she had changed. (It wasn't.) 

A sight like this makes retail managers simultaneously shit and jizz in their pants. 

All right then, that happened, made it through Friday. Spent money we didn't really have on shit we absolutely didn't need. But it's cool, just one day so no big deal. Day after that was a great day for college football, Showdown Saturday. Florida vs. Florida State! Notre Dame vs. USC! Ohio State vs. Michigan! BTW, Ohio State 26 - Michigan 21! Again… 'nuff said. GO BUCKEYES! Oh, and it was also Small Business Saturday so there was that too. Wait… WHAT?

Yeah, this must be a new thing because I've never heard of it. Then again, I'd never heard of foreplay until sometime last year and from what I'm told, that's been around for quite some time and apparently the ladies seem to like it. (Starting to see why the wife won't let me touch her?) So it's quite possible that I don't know everything. So where'd this Small Business shit come from all of a sudden? After the big boy stores like Target, Walmart, Kohl's and Toys 'R' Us took all our ready cash on Friday, now we're supposed to spend more at mom & pop shops the very next day? Well how the hell are we supposed to pay? Who's f@%king idea was that? 

Oh, well that explains everything. 

Okay, whatever, guess my going further down the path of debt is somehow good for the economy and in the long run that's good for America. (F@%K YEAH!) Thankfully, Sunday came and went without being yet another bullshit day devoted to separating me from my money. Just got to sit around on my ass all day and watch football on the cheap while the wife wrapped presents and decked the halls all by herself. (Seriously, why does she even stay with me?) And here it is Monday morning and I thought the worst was behind me. Thought we were officially past all that, out of the woods so to speak, clear sailing and all that shit. WRONG! There's money yet to be spent my friends because as everyone but me already knew, November 26th is… 

AW COME ON! WHAT THE F@%K? 

That's right, all that shopping that's been going on over the weekend, well now they expect us to do it online all damn day! I don't even know who sponsors this one, no one's stepped up to claim responsibility the way Amex did two days ago. The only two things I have learned about Cyber Monday are: 1). Pay-for-Porn sites do not offer holiday bargains. You'd think they would but they don't. Apparently you gotta pay full price to bust a nut no matter what the season. And 2). When you go searching online for discount spank material but have to settle for busting that nut full price, make sure the Goddamn door is locked. Never know when the little woman is gonna take the morning off so she can stay home and go bargain hunting in her slippers.

Oh wait, I learned one more thing… the holiday season is a lousy time to get caught watching girl-on-girl-on-reptile porn with your pants down. And knowing the lengths to which my better half is willing to go for a bargain, I'm betting the fact that I paid full price for the smut might be the reason I'm forced to post this from an alternate location. 

Dammit, you're not helping, Martha Stewart! 

Nah, who am I kidding? I got caught watching Two Girls, One Iguana, safe bet that price wasn't the problem. Gonna be another long and lonely holiday season. Wonder if there's anything good on the Hallmark Channel?

FRIENDS LIKE THESE:

"Sweetie, click 'Like' if you wanna split an appetizer." 

Remember when the phrase "I made a friend today" meant you had gone out into the world, met someone new, found some common ground, came to the mutual conclusion that you didn't make one another sick and decided that ya'll could hang together? That took effort, didn't just happen, usually involved a shared experience or a conversation at the very least. Anyone you told about the acquisition of said new pal could be reasonably sure that you had actually left the house at some point.

Last new friend I made involved a click and a poke. (Heh heh) That doesn't mean that I don't value that person's friendship, not what I'm saying at all. In fact, I'm very fond of all my Facebook friends. (Not gonna admit that I love them because that would make it weird.) Just that there are some that I've never actually met face-to-face and I feel that both sides are missing out on something because of this. (They're missing out more than me of course because I'm awesome.) I only wish sometimes that I could know all my friends in the biblical sense. No, not that way! I mean the kind of biblical where we all gather together in fellowship to stone women for being un-clean. Just a bunch of good friends hooking-up in person to chuck rocks at whores. What could be more American than that? Then again, I also prefer manual over power windows and believe that the world portrayed in the show Revolution would be a good thing to happen to humanity. So my perspective on the matter might be a little off.

If they don't have any power, how do they film the show?
Yeah, you think about that. 

But social media is the way to make and stay in touch with friends these days so I accept it as part of everyday life. Hell, it's how I got most of you here to pay heed to my rant so I ain't one to complain. And truth be told, I enjoy Facebook a great deal. Glad that I eventually got over my fear and signed on. Hate to think what election season would've been like without it. Probably would've been pretty empty and meaningless without access to everyone's political views and vitriol. 

"Hashtags aren't supposed to hurt." :(

Still, not all of my friends are part of the experience. I personally know several holdouts to the phenomenon, luddites if you will, that refuse to get on board. And not just Facebook, but all forms of social media, Twitter, Instagram, Google Plus… and whatever else might be out there. Is MySpace still a thing or have they officially changed their name to StalkerNet? 

MySpace unveils their new mobile server closet.

Not for nothin' (Am I using that phrase correctly?) but that's just kinda f@%king selfish of those people. I mean, it was a different deal a few years back when maybe four or five members of your social circle were on The Facebook. (Remember the days when it was called THE Facebook?) But that was long ago, almost a lifetime in tech years. Sean Parker got involved, they dropped the 'THE' from the name and that made it soooo much better and then other stuff happened, but I can't remember much more since I was half-asleep when I saw The Social Network.

Today there's kids friending their grandparents, pets with their own pages and even funeral homes offering special deals on putting your dearly departed in a hole if you 'Like' them. Yet there's still those stubborn few who just won't play along with the rest of us. So when you've got shit to share, be it news, vacation pics, viral video or some stupid meme that you want to let all your friends in on, all you need do is post it… so that it can be seen by most of them. Then after doing that, you can make like you're back in Y2K all over again and waste nearly 45 perfectly good seconds sending email attachments to those few jackholes that won't get with the Goddamn program!

So let's all do whatever we need to do to get these nonconformists in line. Make them understand the inconvenience they're subjecting the rest of us to. Stress to them the level of bullshit inherent in making us do all that extra work just to keep them in the loop. Talk to them, buy them dinner, bake them a cake, get them a hooker, use pics of them with the hooker to blackmail them into joining Facebook. And after they join, post the blackmail photos anyway and tag me on them because I like to see nasty shit like that. 

Zuckerberg made me post this! He has my family!
Please, just do what he wants and they won't be hurt!

BTW, today being when we celebrate Veterans Day, I'd like to take this moment to give a shoutout to all those who have served and still serve in our military and thank them for all they do to keep us free and safe. No better way I can think of to do that than with… ARMY BOOBS!

Nice try Sugar, but I can still see 'em.
CAMOUFLAGE FAIL!

I realize this doesn't do anything for a lot of the ladies who serve and might even be considered offensive to some of them. But hey, that's what you gals are out there fighting for, defending my freedom to be an insensitive prick. And for that, I thank you once again.

AND THE WINNER IS…

"Made it to a second term, now I can get my freak on. WHERE THE WHITE INTERNS AT?" 

Okay, my final word about the election and then we can all just move on and go back to not knowing a damn thing about what's going on in Washington. For all those who voted for Romney, tough break about your horse coming in second and all. Dude put up a good fight though, really didn't think it'd be that close. And even though the Florida tally has yet to be decided, unless America's penis is worth 90 electoral votes then I don't really think it matters. For all those who helped vote Obama in for a second term, yeah, you might be all happy and feeling pretty good about yourselves and the prospect of four more years. But then what?

Four more years and then… Biden? 

If this is the level of strange tail that President Joe would be capable of getting,
I'm gonna have to go with… HELL NO! 

All you Obamanauts have done is to delay the inevitable. He can't be around to protect you forever and when his second term is up, these guys will be waiting for us all out in the parking lot. 

"We've got nothing but time, America. And we'll be waiting right here."

I'm scared.