HOW TO MEET BLACK PEOPLE:

Don't let the title and top photo fool you, this is not going to be an instructional piece. I am not here to give the melanin deficient masses the inside scoop on all the best practices and places to meet black people. 

I will tell you that THIS is probably one of the worst places though.

Talking about a dating site called BlackPeopleMeet.com. You might have seen their ads on your local cable channels from time to time, usually during a Tyler Perry marathon. (Seriously, how many Madea movies are there?) Never heard of it? Well their slogan tells you all you need to know: This is how black people meet. No bullshit, that's their tagline. I guess they're saying that before them, black people were just not meeting in the right way for like the last thousand years. It's funny because I remember my Mom and Dad telling me the story of how they were introduced to one another by their mutual friend Betty. How they looked into each other's eyes and realized right away that they'd found the one. How they were married soon after and two kids and fifty years later, they're still in love, still happy together. Well f@%k all that because according to America's premiere dating site for black singles, Mom and Dad did it wrong! ALL WRONG! They were supposed to wait out those fifty years alone until the good folks over at People Media LLC could create a site for them to hook-up the right way. That means their love is a sham and my entire existence is an abomination that should never have been allowed to happen! (Pretty sure my folks are probably thinking that abomination bit regardless of how they met.) 

And lest you think that other interest groups aren't being properly served, People Media — who in 2009 also acquired Match.com — hosts a wide variety of sites dedicated to making sure that people of many different races, creeds and ideologies can meet up with like-minded individuals for the express purpose of sticking to their own kind. Just take a gander at the list. 

Between you, me and… everyone else, LittlePeopleMeet.com is a hoot!

Know what you DON'T see there? That's right, WhitePeopleMeet.com. Oh because THAT would be wrong! (Although I'm betting RepublicanPeopleMeet.com is probably pretty close.) You just know a site with a name like Whitepeoplemeet.com would be construed as straight up racist and no doubt lead to a couple of protest rallies. Would be kinda interesting to see exactly how an angry mob pickets a Web site though. 

"Bitch please, you know I'd find a way."

Now in the interest of fair and balanced ranting, I took to the Internet in search of whites only dating sites. That was a big mistake because some of the places I ended up scared me in ways that up until now I would not have even thought possible. Whites only dating sites are angry places full of people who should be herded into North and South Dakota and fenced off for the good of humanity. Don't worry, no one's using the Dakotas anyway, it'd be totally cool. Plus, I'm pretty sure my IP address has been logged by a federal agency or two as a result of my inquisitive nature. And there's also a very strong possibility that I inadvertently made a date with this petite flower of womanhood. 

Trust me, you really do not want to know what's on the other end of that stick.

So if you happen to be hanging out at the Danbury Cheesecake Factory this Friday night at 8:30 and see her lurking around the waiting area, it'd be for the best if you call the management and instruct them to keep her away from knives… and candles… and children of mixed races. And shellfish, because she's allergic… to shellfish AND mixed races.

Well what have we learned from all of this? For one thing, someone needs to come over and install parental filters on my browser to keep me out of trouble on the Internet because I am getting all sorts of supremacist propaganda spam now. Good thing I didn't use my real name because Lars von Gruberlicht is becoming a very popular gentleman these days. We've also learned that no matter if you're black, Latino, Asian, Jewish, Indian or whatever, there's a site out there where you can safely make a xenophobic love connection. And for all of those of the caucasian persuasion, there's still eHarmony. 

eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren wants to know: "Where my W.A.S.P.s at?"

Interestingly enough, I actually met my wife on BlackPeopleMeet.com. I don't mean years ago before we got married, I mean just this past weekend while I was doing research for this post. Seems she was out there calling herself Lateesha Boudreaux and looking for a guy who's clearly not me. Imagine my surprise when my bullshit profile caught her attention. So yeah, we're headed into marriage counseling with a therapist we found… on Blackcounselors.com. God, I love the Internet.

FAIR FARE:

Why is The Dark Knight Rises poster at the top of things today? Do I really need a reason to display such awesomeness? It's the goddamned Batman, that's all the reason any of you ever needs. Also, it's only a month away until the release of the film and I'm getting giddy. So… yeah, there's a reason for you.  Still, not that you needed one!

But we're not gonna talk about Batman or any such comic book related things for once… other than the above mentioned awesomeness that is. Besides potential blockbuster movies, another thing running through my head these days is the classic hit song by Martha and The Vandellas, Dancing in the Streets. Especially as crazy, stupid hot as it's been these past couple days, I can't help thinking the line: "Summer's here and the time is right for…" Well you know the rest, it's right there in the title for God's sake. Even though I suppose it'd make more sense for my mind to wander to Martha and the girls' other hit Heatwave in this instance. Then again, if my thoughts ever made sense well, we wouldn't even be here in the first place because I'd be out there doing something constructive with my time instead of babbling on to you guys about songs that came out before most of us were even born. Besides, I've always liked the Van Halen version of Dancing in the Streets better. Please don't tell Martha I said that.

I though chicks were supposed to fight when they
showed up to a party wearing the same dress.

For me that tune opens the floodgates of nostalgia, evokes memories of being a kid, just out of school, looking forward to three months of fun and hanging with my friends. Hot days like these meant donning our swim trunks and cracking open a fire hydrant to cool off, splashing around in the spray with few cares in the world and even less sense. Then before long we'd be throwing bottles at the firemen when they came to close the hydrant because apparently trying to keep yourself from bursting into flames is illegal but when a building is all ablaze no one cares how much water they waste. Fascists. That whole incident led to being chased by the cops because one of the firemen took a bottle to the face and lost an eye. Naturally, being fat and slow I always got pinched in such situations. Remembered the first rule though, kept my f@%king mouth shut, didn't rat out my buddies, stood alone and got sentenced to three months in the Abernathy Juvenile Detention Center thereby missing summer altogether only to be released just in time to go back to school in the fall and return to the hallowed halls of public academia a very bitter and angry young black man. 

Just another case of the Man keeping the
brother man from cooling off.

Didn't say the f@%king song evoked happy memories, did I? But hey, that's the price to be paid for being a f@%k-up! Unfortunately those little bastards in upstate New York involved in that whole Karen Klein affair probably won't get much more than a slap on the wrist for being f@%k-ups of the highest order. (Or would they be the lowest?) But I'm not here to talk about that because that's just real upsetting. Here's hoping good prevails in that one and karma graces those involved with acne severe enough to require surgery… or an iron mask or some shit like that.

UPDATE: The hooligans have come forward and apologized. Why am I not satisfied?

Ms. Klein will have the last laugh when her generation sucks 
Social Security dry and leaves nothing for those little f@%kers. 
Wait, that's not good for any of us. Shit! 

Back to the point, wait… did I ever have one? I doubt it. So out in the fly-over states they have different… less delinquent ways of celebrating the season, for middle America summer means swimming holes, lightning bugs and county fairs. And county fairs mean food on a stick! Shit you wouldn't ever think to serve on a stick is always to be found in abundance at county fairs… on sticks. Some of the stuff I've seen but never tried include Reuben sandwiches, spaghetti and meatballs, fruit pies, cheesecake and bacon wrapped french fries all with a sliver of wood shoved through it, ready to be eaten on the run. If people who ate such fare were ever truly the type to actually run anywhere that is. Usually that's not the case. 

Um… is this necessary? Wasn't pizza already a handheld food?

But I never thought I'd see the day when I'd look at something like a Spamsicle (so not making that up) and think: "Not the worst thing I've ever seen." Well that day is here my friends and it's all thanks to a guy named Chicken Charlie.

The true face… and chins of evil.

Chicken Charlie is a vendor outfit out of California that works the west coast county fair circuit serving deep fried… everything. You might have already heard about this bastard earlier this week as news surfaced about Deep Fried Cereal, his latest attempt to boost the economy by forcing us all into buying brand new power scooters. 

"Yeah, I got places to go so can I get that Big Mac on a stick?"

Check out a section of the menu they're hawking this year, thing reads like one long college hazing stunt. Yet the menu also includes items like tabouli, rotisserie chicken and even hummus, though somehow I doubt those items are moving out the door in record numbers. Of course they do serve some stuff on a stick too. Gotta stick with the classics I guess. (Gotta STICK with the… get it? Well they can't all be gold.)

I'd like to throw a witty comment in here, yet all I got is… DAAAAAAAAAAAMN!

You know what, I got shooting pains in my left arm just talking about this shit. So here's a comic strip for you to read while I attempt to use a taser to re-start my heart. 

PAINFUL REALITY UPDATE: F@%KING OW! Tasers do NOT make good defibrillators!

DAMN KIDS:

To start with, I'll speak briefly about the top image. It's from the cover of an upcoming issue of the comic book Life With Archie, issue #24 to be precise. The image is artist Fiona Staples' take on animated girl group Josie and the Pussycats and I think it's amazing. Big fan of Fiona Staples' work in general — you can check her out HERE if you're so inclined. She's currently knocking it out of the park with her work on the monthly sci-fi masterpiece Saga from Image Comics, but I just love this cover especially and wanted to share the cool with you people. Has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm here to talk about today. Actually, that's not true since I am going off on a comic book tangent (BIG SURPRISE!) so Fiona's work is probably a nice way to kick that off.

Seems like only yesterday I was sitting in a theater with some friends of mine, watching Tobey Maguire as science geek Peter Parker getting lectured to by Cliff Robertson who played kindly Uncle Ben in the 2002 hit Spider-Man. Young Peter was in the midst of going through an assload of biological changes brought on by the bite of a genetically engineered spider and Uncle Ben gave him some sage poppycock advice about how with great power comes great responsibility. Of course, Ben didn't know that Peter was changing into a being with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Wait, that's Superman's intro line. I just crossed company icons. Now I've gone and done it. 

"Son, I know what you've been doing with your socks, it's wasteful
and I don't like it. In my day we used roadkill to catch our shots."

Anyway, Ben just thought Peter was going through puberty like some regular snot-nosed punk. Didn't know about the wall-crawling or the super strength or the web-shooting. He just thought Peter was dealing with new pubes and vocal changes and… shooting sticky substances other than web fluid. So what the f@%k was Ben talking about then? Since when is cum-chucking an example of 'great power'? Great fun perhaps, but great power? Not really. And the 'great responsibility' he spoke of? I'd say that cleaning up after yourself would be about all the responsibility necessary. Police the area youngsters, collect and discard your tissues and you'll be all right. 

Or you could just leave it all over the sides of buildings
like Captain Metaphor here. 

Still it all worked out, Ben's advice — misguided as it was — led Peter on the path to being the hero we all came to know and love as Spider-Man and the rest was movie history. At least until the third film when it became movie tragedy. But that's another rant for another time. How about never? Is never a good time to talk about Spider-Man 3? Great, see you then.

But like I mentioned at the beginning, time moving as fast as it does, to me it seems like just yesterday that I watched Spider-Man with my friends even though it was ten years ago. However, in the actual yesterday of twenty-four hours ago (give or take) I watched a different film with my friends. Not the same friends as ten years ago though… different friends. Those other friends no longer speak to me for various reasons. Guess ten years isn't enough time to heal certain… you know what, it's not important.

I'm sad now.

And I'm over it.

Thanks for helping me to move on.

So yesterday I saw the movie Chronicle with my buds Chris and Terri who would've been pictured here if I had gotten them to sign release forms but I forgot so these two stock photo a-holes will have to suffice. 

Say hello to the nice readers, Faux Chris and Pseudo Terri.

So we gathered at Chris' crib for an evening of beer, pizza and laughs to watch Chronicle, which was in theaters months ago — But The Avengers notwithstanding, who the hell goes to the movies anymore? Basic plot of the movie is that three teenage boys stumble upon a glowing… something or other (the object is never explained) and gain fantastic powers from it. Now you see what all that Spider-Man stuff was about? The boys get great power but don't have a kindly father-figure uncle pelting them with wisdom nuggets to help them do the right thing. In this instance with great power came great stupidity. Although seeing as they were teenage boys, pretty safe bet stupidity was already part of the equation long before the glowing thingy. 

Gee, when the shit hits the fan which one
dies first? Hmmmm? That's a tough one.

Save for one or two decent sight gags and really great flying sequences, I didn't care for this movie at all. But super dumbasses doing super dumbass shit wasn't the biggest problem I had with it. The biggest problem was the lack of true storytelling. There was an overall tale being told, but it's told mostly through the lens of a handheld video camera as one of the boys chronicles the group's exploits and escapades as they master their newfound abilities… and I JUST got the title! Chronicle… it makes sense now! Curse my childhood head injury that makes me oblivious to stuff! Anyway, the film just jumps from one event to the next as it would if you had found the camera and watched the footage without benefit of editing. The true irony being that careful editing was most likely involved to achieve that effect. As Dolly Parton was once famously quoted as saying: "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap". Well I'm sure it took a lot of work for Chronicle to seem that haphazard and in the end, it doesn't really payoff.

Of course, this is not the first film to be done this way. The Blair Witch Project broke that ground back in 1999 and in recent years has been aped by films such as Cloverfield, Paranormal Activity, Apollo 18 and Project X. Of those five mentioned I've only seen Blair Witch and Cloverfield and I really wish to God that I hadn't because those three hours collectively could have been better spent improving my life through some form of humiliating Canadian sex act involving trained beavers, a silk scarf, a pogo stick and a bucket of lard. Probably better for you if you don't ask what goes where in that scenario. But I will say that it will open your eyes — among other things — to why perverts should stop wasting their time and money on sex tours to Thailand and just drive north of the border for a good time. Canadians are messed up!

But now I can add Chronicle to the very short list of films I've seen that were inspired by YouTube culture and I'm fairly confident the list will end with just three entries. Even though technically Blair Witch came before YouTube existed but… SHUT UP! Point of all this is that even though I didn't really care for Chronicle, it did leave a lasting impression on me. Because I now fear that if there really is a theoretical possibility of human beings gaining the ability to do shit like fly and hurl lightning bolts or throw busses around with their minds, it's not gonna be some sensible kid with his head on straight like Peter Parker that gets touched by the finger of God. (Yeah, that sounds bad but no time to change it, I'm in wrap-up mode here.) I'm afraid it's gonna be some idiot that under normal circumstances I wouldn't trust to be alone with a microwave and a pack of chewing gum for fear that through simple trial and error he'd MacGyver some way to destroy an entire city block because he had nothing better to do with his time. 

Why can't more young people use their mullets
for the betterment of mankind?

Hope you can sleep now… because I sure can't. And yes, the image of Richard Dean Anderson's Kentucky Waterfall has a little to do with it. Simply frightening.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON:

Been a full week since last post. I know, I promised to try to put up stuff on a more semi regular basis. But schedule changes at the job have just screwed up everything and there's a slight adjustment period to be dealt with. I'll get a handle on it though, or just f@%king quit and go on welfare. Either way I'll be back at it next week.

That is if anyone is even reading this… or even cares. 

Why do I kid myself? No one loves me.

Sad now. Better next week.

WEEKLY FUNNIES:

TALKING DEAD:

Ah yes, waking up to a sight like this the morning after a bender.
Beer goggles and youthful indiscretions… I miss them so.

Yeah, I know, Talking Dead is the title of the live talk show on AMC that airs Sunday nights after every episode of The Walking Dead. But I needed a header, it fits the subject so I'm just 'borrowing' it for a while. Besides, nobody owns words! 

Oh… they do? Copyright laws? Trademarked intellectual property?

Shit! Well I'm using it anyway AMC, so sue me! (Please don't, I have nothing left.)

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

So filming is underway for season three of The Walking Dead and series star Andrew Lincoln — who plays Rick Grimes — has been quoted as saying that "The third season is "harder, darker, faster, deeper." Now taking into account that the last shot of the season two finale showed that the cast of characters was about to take refuge in an abandoned prison, (see above) Lincoln's choice of words like harder, deeper and faster has me more than a little scared. Zombie attacks are one thing, but prison shower scenes are a whole other level of scary. And a prison shower scene with zombies just sounds… pretty awesome actually. I guess zombies really just make everything better. They're like the cinematic equivalent of bacon.

Although, if new character Michonne is what he means by "darker"… 
well then I'm all for it. Go on, Sister Girl!

And while I've got you here, I'd like to call your attention to a comment I made back in March on this very subject. To refresh your memory, at that time I was talking about that dumbass in the Taco Bell Doritos taco ad being a potential sign of the end times when I made the following comments.

"Sometimes one guy is all it takes. Think about it, what if you read about an actual zombie being discovered outside a small village in Bangladesh? We're talking about an honest to God, flesh eating, animated corpse captured half a world away and every legit news agency confirmed the story to be true." Yada… yada… yada… then I went on to say: "If any of that happened you'd be stocking up on bullets, beef jerky and canned goods, fortifying your house and hunkering down for the apocalypse that everyone would agree was on its way."

Now as you probably have already heard, on Tuesday of last week, May 29th, a naked man in Florida was shot by police while eating the face of another man. Making the story even crazier is the fact that it took several shots to put the face-eater down. A move that zombie aficionados know as the Double Tap. Well Florida may not be Bangladesh… is it? But just as I predicted, the Internet's gone all zombie crazy and there are even some instances of people stocking their cellars and fortifying their homes in preparation for God's vengeance.

So in closing… I f@%king told you so!

COMING OUT OF THE PHONE BOOTH:

After dropping hints last week that one of their iconic characters would come out of the closet, DC Comics officially announced today that the character in question is Alan Scott, the other Green Lantern.

This is the only image I could find of the dude
but it's like they're inviting you to make 'flaming' jokes.

Now I'm gonna just say that in my opinion this is kind of less than the event it was built up to be, whether that build up was intentional or not. While I applaud DC for trying to introduce diverse characters into the mix, as I mentioned in the first sentence, they said it'd be an 'iconic' character. Hardly the case. Alan Scott is not the one your average fan thinks of when the name Green Lantern is mentioned. Our minds usually envision test pilot — and all-around ladies man — Hal Jordan in those instances. And thanks to the GL movie that sucked on screens all across America last summer, dozens of non-comic fans also think of Jordan as the one true Emerald Knight. Plus there's the animated series currently doing quite well on Cartoon Network at chronicling the further adventures of Hal and his amazing power ring.

All I'm saying is — again — in my opinion Alan Scott is not what I would call iconic. An icon is a thing that represents, an image your brain flips to in regard to a subject. Plus, when they teased the subject, DC only used the word 'character', never said it would be a super hero that was coming out. I for one had guessed that it would be the Riddler. Skintight green body suit covered in question marks, just screamed CURIOUS! Seemed like a no-brainer. 

And Jim Carrey's performance did affect my opinion.
I mean… jazz hands.

This is not to say that I'm belittling the initiative, far from it. Diversity in comics is always a good thing. And at least gay characters don't get saddled with offensive identifying monikers the way black heroes used to back in the 70s. (Black Panther, Black Lightning, Black Vulcan, Black Goliath. Black Racer, black etc.) Imagine how horrific it would be if they called Scott the Gay Lantern. Although that does have a certain ring to it. 

No pun intended

But by my count Scott makes the fifth gay hero in DC's roster since the reboot of the line a year ago and none of them are exactly A-listers. Take a look at the other four. 

I triple dog dare you to name all of these characters!

Speculation ran high that the reintroduction of the Atom or Hawkgirl might see a shift in their respective sexual orientation and put a gay character on DC's top shelf, but alas, no. Speculation also ran high among those who know and like to tease me, that my boy Aquaman would be the one. But I knew that wasn't possible because the Sea King is all about the ladies. Kinda.

Awww yeah… those fishy, fishy ladies.

Whatever. Mazel Tov other Green Lantern Alan Scott!