LOOK WHO'S WALKING:

… so long story short, THAT'S why you should never go to bed without checking to make sure the shackles are secure. Well I could go on talking about child care all day long and not cover a tenth of what I learned from my years working in state-run orphanages. But this really isn't a good time for me, last night was pretty rough. First Sunday night since The Walking Dead went on mid-season break and I guess I'm just not handling it very well. Got so used to watching the end of the world saga unfold amidst all that tragic human suffering and gruesome zombie mutilation. Then I'd go straight to bed and have the best dreams. Know what AMC showed last night instead? F@%king Miracle on 34th Street! What kinda sick bullshit is that? Wanna know what that did to me, what kinda dreams I had after that holiday horror-fest? 

OLD MEN AND LITTLE GIRLS! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Have you been watching The Walking Dead? Well don't bother answering, it's a rhetorical question since I really don't care. But if you've been watching then you already know what an awesome show it is and that the mid-season finale was nothing short of… well honestly it was pretty meh. Still well worth an hour of my time.

Now while I may not care if you're watching or not, you know who is watching? The boys — and girls, I guess — over at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. Of course, I'm only assuming that they're fans of the show, but it's a safe bet since they obviously believe a zombie apocalypse to be a very real possibility. How else do you explain the recent drills they ran in preparation to defend the American people from a zombie attack? 

Sorry, wrong pic. They don't run the orc attack scenarios until next week.

As most of you probably know by now, — because I'm not the most up-to-date news source — the guys… and girls (f@%king equal rights) over at Homeland Security recently got their asses congressionally ripped for using government funds to stage the aforementioned zombie attack drills. Instead of… you know, using their time and our tax dollars in more productive ways, like protecting our asses from the very real, clear and present threat of foreign shitheads that hate us because we live in a free society that allows its women to show their tits.

Not you Madonna! Your freedom has been revoked!
Now put that thing away! 

There's something I just can't help wondering about with all this nonsense going on. Who was that woman from this morning and how did she get on the hood of my car? But besides all that, the Department of Homeland Security is a government agency and that means that if nothing else they are masters at generating paperwork. And if an undertaking like this went down — And why would the Huffingtonpost lie to me? — then there would have to have been a manual of some kind written, designed and printed up. So where did the author get his information? How'd he research the project? There I go again with the rhetorical questions because most likely he… or she (equal rights again) got their zombie information the same way everyone else does. 

Our tax dollars at work. Thanks a lot, Obama! 

So the "plan" these '"experts" came up with probably consisted of following the fictional rules that George A. Romero established back in the 60s with the original Night of the Living Dead. Don't let the zombies bite you, shoot them in the head and… um… no, that's about it, just those two rules really. But here's the thing, what if Romero was wrong? Guy began his career shooting segments for Mister Roger's Neighborhood, (seriously) so what the hell did he know about the behavioral patterns of the undead? For all we know, if the dead do decide to rise and walk among us, they may not even wanna eat the flesh of the living. Maybe all they're going to want is to stroll around in the sunshine for a while. Gets pretty dark and lonely down there in the grave. And what if everything else we "know" about zombies turns out to be useless garbage? What if none of the "rules" apply when that shit becomes real?

Imagine what would happen on that apocalyptic December morning (21st is right around the corner) when millions of animated grave jockeys make their way down Main Street America, shambling toward a couple hundred macho shitheads who stand at the ready. Said shitheads with their rifles and handguns pointed towards the oncoming horde, confident that their years of XBOX first-person shooter training has prepared them for this moment, only to fire several times and find out that a shot to the head does absolutely dick to put the target down. Two head shots (DOUBLE TAP!) does double dick.

Yup, that moment's gonna look a lot like this. 

But that's not happening right now so why worry about it? We've still got a week before we see if Mr. Romero was right. Got more important things to worry about in the meantime… like… like… um… actually, I don't have anything else going on. Guess I'll play some XBOX right after I stock up on adult diapers. Good to be prepared either way.