DIARY OF A WWII KID:

Okay, so Anne Frank's not the most cheerful way to begin a post, but here goes. 

Kind of a late night ritual around the Savage household, 11:00 pm rolls around and the TV gets flipped over to the E! Network to catch Chelsea Lately. Not one of my prouder admissions, also not my fault since it's not by choice on my end. (MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE!) Still, only have to suffer through the first fifteen minutes because the wife only likes the panel portion of the show, not enough of a fan to deal with the interview segment. If you've never seen Handler's interview skills in action… fucking keep it that way, you lucky bastard! But here's a quick rundown of the way the show's second half usually goes: 

HANDLER: "My guest tonight is a blah blah blah…please welcome ( insert celebrity name here )."

Guest enters, they hug, they kiss, they sit.

HANDLER: "Thanks for coming."

GUEST: "Oh thanks for having me."

HANDLER: "You look great."

GUEST: "Thanks, so do you."

HANDLER: "Oh stop it. So… let's talk about me. Me. Me. Me. I drink a lot. More me. More me. Me some more. I like it when black men ransack my vagina. Speaking of me… Me again. Hold up a sec while I throw it over to the Mexican midget I keep on a charm bracelet for laughs. By the way, did I mention me?"

"So T.I., you're saying your name doesn't stand for Twelve Inches? Well that's disappointing." 

You can totally see how her twenty person writing staff is earning their keep. So last night was no different and even seemed to be a welcome change from all the Boston Marathon coverage. That shit was just… whatever… fucking people can't even run safely anymore. We're ready to go anytime you are, Black Jesus! 

Anyway, first topic up on last night's panel was the Justin Bieber/Anne Frank flack. Seems those two kids have gone and found themselves involved in a Twitter war and… No wait, Olivia Wilde got into the Twitter beef with Bieber. What was Anne Frank's deal again? Oh yeah, WWII, Nazis and all that. Had that brief cameo in the third Indiana Jones movie.

"The grail has to be there, son. Anne drew the map in glitter
and marked the location with a smiley face." 

While recently visiting Amsterdam, Bieber stopped by the Anne Frank House and wrote the following in the guest book: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber." For those who don't know, (like me until a couple hours ago) Beliebers are Justin's diehard fans. And you'd be hard pressed to find a more rabid bunch of crazies anywhere other than a midnight showing of the Twilight films. Actually, they probably share the same fan base. 

Nothing that a strong father figure and a blanket party couldn't fix.

Handler weighed in on the issue with her panel and eventually got into a very loud disagreement with panelist Michael Yo on one particular bone of contention; whether or not Anne Frank listened to the radio up in the attic where she and her family were hiding from the Nazis. Yo's opinion was that Anne DID listen to the radio and he referenced her famously published diary as source material for this belief.

Handler however, was of a mind that Anne Frank DID NOT listen to the radio because she would not have been able to make a sound during that time. Apparently Handler thinks that the Franks lived in the crawlspace above Hitler's personal residence and had to be silent 24/7. And to back up her argument she stated that she knew she was right because she's a Jew and that a Black/Asian like Yo shouldn't try to argue Jew stuff with her. 

Wrong Black/Asian dude, Google! Whatever,
I'm sure they all look alike anyway. 

Now while it's true that Handler is a Jew, (I guess) she's also an idiot for using the race card in that way to back up her argument, especially when you consider this quote from Anne's diary entry of June 15, 1943.

"It is really true that as the news from the outside gets worse, so the radio with its miraculous voice helps us to keep up our morale and to say again, 'Chins up, stick it out, better times will come!'"

No mention of whether or not she would've liked Bieber though and of course no reason there would be unless her radio could pick up signals through time. (And that would be pretty sweet.) But that's no longer here nor there since we've clearly gone off the rails on this one. In my humble opinion though, I would have to say yes, she would have been a Belieber since she was a fucking 14 year-old girl and that's his whole fucking fan base. Also, she was hiding from Nazis in a fucking attic! She would've loved Bieber or any other ridiculous thing that offered a momentary escape from that hell. The unedited version of her diary probably contains pages of ink devoted to the sheer thrill of new smells. 

She really wrote this. Swear to God… zilla.

Although to be fair, I suppose that Handler might very well have been joking during the whole bit. Gotta admit, I'm not sure, kinda hard to tell because I wasn't paying close attention. Most of the time when her mouth is moving, I'm just thinking about what she looks like naked… same as when I watch The View. 

I like to start with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and then slowly work
my eyes left over to… BLLLLAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH! 

So I guess I kinda might owe Chelsea an apology for calling her an idiot before. Unless she wasn't joking and really thinks being a Jew automatically validated her argument. Then she actually is an idiot. Then again, she's the one with the TV show, millions of fans, Twitter followers and fat bank, while I'm alone in a basement, broke and pretending anyone cares what I think. So really, who's the idiot? 

"It's okay Ron, you're black so just climb in my vagina and all is forgiven." 

Oh if only it were that easy, Sugar. I'd make you go back.