SAM'S CLUB:

"Ya'll shut the fuck up now and pay attention! Ron's talkin', dammit." 

Thank you Old Samuel Jackson. March 28th is just around the corner and I couldn't be happier. Why's March 28th gonna be such a good day for me? Well I'm glad that I pretended that you asked. Friday, the 28th of this month will see the big screen release of G.I. Joe: Retaliation, a film I've been waiting like nine months to see. Seriously, I kinda liked the first one (he said opening himself up to an ungodly amount of ridicule) and this one actually looks pretty good too. Had planned to see it last summer, before it got pushed back from its original release date of June 29th, 2012.

Contains so much testosterone that women and
children are warned to stay the hell home.

The reason the studio suits gave for the push back was something all to do with retooling and reshoots and reorganizing and synergy and brand awareness and a bunch of other buzzword bullshit. Most of us outside of Hollywood figured they were flinging crap around to try and mask the fact that they were scared shitless about putting a comic book/action film into the mix against the likes of The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises and The Amazing Spider-Man. And even though the flick would have indeed gotten its camouflaged taint handed to it by those first two films, they needn't have worried about Spider-Man because that movie chugged bug nuts. 

Out of costume, not avenging a damn thing, still raking in the dollars. 

But conspiracy nut that I am, I have a theory about the even deeper meaning behind the suits' decision. Wanna hear it? Well your lips say 'NO' but your eyes… still say 'NO'. That being the case, I'm gonna tell you anyway. The real reason is the secret beef between Samuel L. Jackson and Channing Tatum. Think I'm crazy? Well I am, but that has nothing to do with it. Just put the God damn phone down and hear me out! Ever notice how Channing Tatum seems to be in almost everything these days? Guy has a movie in theaters almost once a month or so it seems. 

A small sampling of the amount of cinematic poon this guy's been getting. I hate that lucky bastard.

And back in the summer of 2012 he would have hit the multiplexes again with G.I. Joe: Retaliation — herein to be called GIJ:R for the sake of me not wanting to type all that shit out no more. But then suddenly the suits pulled GIJ:R back from the big box office beatdown it had coming to it for thinking it could go up against Samuel (Mr. Jackson if you're nasty) and his avenging crew. And I believe that Mr. Jackson (because I'm nasty) had a little something to do with that decision. 

Just click HERE in case you forgot how that shit turned out for him. Classic. 

Check it out. To date, Mr. Jackson has been in 137 movies since making his film debut in 1988. That's 25 years of being a badass motherfucker both on and off screen. Now the record for most feature films by an American actor is held by another badass of the silver screen, John Wayne. Wayne starred in 142 movies during his 50 year career. And the distinction there is that those were all starring roles. While Mr. Jackson's 137 outtings were not all starring roles, he has amassed quite a catalog of feature parts in half the time as The Duke did. 

Not all the films were great, some were even downright vomit-like. But I ain't gonna tell HIM that.
(I'm looking at YOU, Star Wars prequels.)

And with no sign of slowing down at 64 years old (Black don't crack!) Mr. Jackson is sure to eclipse the Duke sometime in the next decade becoming the most prolific American actor of several generations. I stress the word 'American' because the true record is held by some ass driver from Bollywood named Adoor Bhasi. Bhasi appeared in nearly 550 movies before his death in 1990. But since I don't feel like outsourcing another damn thing over to India, we'll just keep such concerns in the good old US of A. Besides, since all of Bhasi's movies together probably didn't even make enough money to pay for the goodie bags given out at this years Academy Awards ceremony, then they don't really count for anything. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Bhasi, seen here… or maybe not since even
Google isn't sure who the hell the guy was. 

So back to that former stripper punk, Channing Tatum. Dude started his film career in 2005 at the age of 25 and has since starred in 33 movies. At this rate, by 2030 when he reaches his 25th year in cinema he will have been in roughly 110 movies and only be 50 years old. (Or perhaps not because I suck at math.) Still, even if all my numbers are off (and they probably are) he's still on pace to best Mr. Jackson because he's 34 years younger and has time on his side. 

And dreaminess, he's also got dreaminess on his side. Damn him! 

That's why GIJ:R got bumped last summer, because Mr. Jackson did the math (probably better than I did) and came to the same conclusion as me. Tatum is a threat to Mr. Jackson's cinematic superiority and therefore must be stopped at all costs! Oh sure, bumping GIJ:R back a few months didn't really help matters, just delayed things. And the film still counts no matter when it gets released, but that wasn't the point of the exercise. Using his badass motherfucking cinematic Jedi abilities to keep Tatum's movie from seeing a summer release was just Mr. Jackson's way of firing a warning shot. Letting Tatum know that he could be fucked with if he didn't slow down and stop messing around in the record books where he shouldn't be. Sure you're probably thinking, "But Ron, Tatum was in 21 Jump Street AND Magic Mike during the summer of 2012, so your theory is bunk." 

"They've got you there, Ron. Your theory sucks worse than my acting."

SHUT THE HELL UP, CHANNING TATUM! Except for that thing about your acting, that was pretty insightful. I said that Mr. Jackson got GIJ:R bumped to send a message. Anyway, it doesn't look as if that message was received so we can all expect Mr. Jackson to start using more extreme methods in the near future. 

I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Jackson wasn't even at this very moment developing a way to send his spirit through time and space to communicate with his younger self and warn himself about the threat to come. Such an event would allow Mr. Jackson to take advantage of the ironic twist of fate that in 2005 found a young Channing Tatum in his feature film debut, within arm's reach of Mr. Jackson on the set of the basketball bio-pic Coach Carter. 

There he is Mr. Jackson! Right there! See the arrow? Get him! Get him! 

Thus armed with knowledge of the future, the younger Mr. Jackson will undoubtedly see that Tatum meets with an unfortunate accident and thereby never lives to threaten his dominance or his place in history. Of course if/when that happens, the resulting cascade effect will most definitely alter the space/time continuum, changing events to such a degree that I would have already seen Magic Mike star Chris Hemsworth as Capt. Duke Hauser in GIJ:R this past summer and we wouldn't even be talking about… um… talking about… who the hell was I talking about again? I was gonna blog about something and then I just… can't recall. Something to do with Samuel Jackson and… someone. Knowing me it was probably something to do with boobs. But what would the star of Snakes on a Plane have to do with boobs? Unless it was something like Boobs on a Plane. 

Close enough.

Hey, ever notice that Chris Hemsworth's been in quite a few movies since he made his film debut in 2009?

Just sayin'.