TRAPPED IN THE THEATER:

I'm back my friends! Vacation was wonderful, thanks for asking. Of course I got you a souvenir, unfortunately the drug sniffing dogs wouldn't let it through customs. Good thing I'd shoved it in that kid's backpack before going through the gate. He'll be fine, how hard could life in a Malaysian prison be for a seven year-old? They've got finger paints, right?

Well the Oscar season is upon us again and just like last year, I don't give a crap. However, there is a slight difference this time around. This year not only haven't I seen a single one of the films that are reportedly up for consideration, a lot of them I haven't even heard of. The Artist, Midnight in Paris, The Tree of Life, In the Land of Blood and Honey? What the hell? Were any of those even released in theaters? Did they star Americans or is it all just junk from overseas that some eggheads think are meaningful and poignant because they're in black and white and contain metaphors and words at the bottom of the screen that require reading skills and comprehension and an attention span that lasts longer than your average bucket of popcorn? (BTW, $10.00 for a large? Blow me Rave Theaters!) I think Brad Pitt's in one of them, I just don't care enough about him to find out which one.

Me, I'm an old-fashioned son of a bitch, I like my movies with boobies and shit that blows up! Doesn't always have to contain both, one or the other is good enough. Films like Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (in theaters now) currently kicking ass at the box office. Haven't seen it yet but I look forward to it. No boobies (I'm guessing) but action and explosions and that's what going to the movies should be about.

And I'm not the only one who thinks that way, just look at the list of domestic grosses for 2011, the top ten earners were all action heavy films, the nearest Oscar contender being The Help at number twelve. Nearest one after that is Midnight in Paris at fifty-seven. Guess watching black women clean houses just gets more asses in the seats than watching… whatever the hell Midnight in Paris was about. (Racists!) But to be fair I'll look it up… let's see, says here it's by Woody Allen… and I'm already bored and moving on. A flick about maids must be like straight adrenalin compared to what Allen's been putting out the last twenty years.

But still, nothing beats the real classics, man movies like Die Hard, still one of the most awesome movies ever made, not ashamed to admit that I feel that way. If it's on, I'm watching it. And if I'm watching it, then I'm quoting along with it. Bruce Willis trapped in a building, fighting for survival, keeping America safe from Euro-trash terrorists. A claustrophobic mix of suspense and action, with witty banter thrown in for good measure. Created a whole genre of films. After Die Hard we got movies about dudes trapped in all kinds of shit. Steven Seagal got trapped on a boat in Under Siege and then a train in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. (And really, a film about a train called Dark Territory, how did the porn industry miss making that parody?) Wesley Snipes got trapped in a plane in Passenger 57. Sylvester Stallone got trapped in a tunnel in Daylight. Keanu Reeves got trapped on a bus in Speed, not really the same, but kinda. And then even the ladies got in on the act when Sandra Bullock dumped Keanu's ass and made like Seagal by getting trapped on a boat for Speed 2: Cruise Control. But she did it without Seagal's Akido skills… or his douchebaggy attitude.

Willis helped Hollywood realize that claustrophobia sells, and it's even gone so far as to give us Ryan Reynolds trapped in a coffin last year in Buried. The ultimate in claustrophobic terror. Never saw it, (because it would give me nightmares for the rest of my life) but I think the whole thing is just him underground in a box. And supposedly it was pretty good. So I guess it's possible to make something interesting without boobs and explosions. Go figure.

But then Hollywood went and took it just a little too far last year with Devil, a film produced by M. Night Shyamalan (should be all you need to hear) about five people trapped in an elevator with Satan. Yeah, I said elevator and Satan. And at the time I really thought that we had reached the limit, didn't think there was anything left to lock people in for two hours. Of course I thought that back in 2002 as well, Colin Farell… Phone Booth… Dear God.

But I was wrong in '02, and apparently I was wrong last year because I just saw the trailer for the upcoming film ATM a flick about three people trapped in an ATM kiosk by a lone menacing figure. So sometime last year, some studio suit got pitched an idea that contained the words 'three people… ATM kiosk… lone menacing figure… trapped'. And the next words out of the suit's mouth were: "Green light, we have a deal!" Reality television really has ruined us, hasn't it? They're not even trying anymore. I can only hope it's a really elaborate hoax or a fan trailer. If either one is the case, then bravo, you got me. If not, then I expect the big screen adaptation of R. Kelly's Trapped in a Closet any day now.

No golden shower jokes… keeping it clean.

BTW, there's a link to the ATM trailer up there in case you missed it. Seriously, check it out because it really defies description.

And please believe me when I tell you that I had a whole different direction in mind when I sat down at the keyboard today. This one went off the rails quickly and I veered off into Crazy Town. And now, a moment of silence for those poor citizens killed in the tragic Crazy Town wreck of 2012.