HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I'm as much a traditionalist as the next guy, provided the next guy happens to be your grandfather. I dig archaic forms of entertainment such as bird watching, stamp collecting, yelling at young people from my porch and witch burning (still very big in the Czech Republic). But the whole year in review thing has seen its day. Only been a year, do we really need reminders about the guy who cried "Rapture" and the NFL lockout and the movement to occupy everywhere? Admittedly, those are the only three things I remember from 2011 but that doesn't matter. Don't need a bloody refresher course! Any idiot can sit at a desk doing Google searches for shit that's already happened, repackaging stories we've already read with pictures we've already seen. (PUSSIES!) But sacrificing your Mom's Cocker Spaniel to the dark gods, draining the tiny beast's blood into the skull of a completely different dog and drinking deep of the viscous fluid — which strangely tastes a lot like KFC gravy — to gain knowledge of the future… now that takes a real man with a pair of Kryptonite gonads housed in a lead-lined sack my friends! They're implants by the way, elective surgery, had it done in the Czech Republic. (That place is MESSED-UP!)

Therefore, in honor of Mr. Puddles' sacrifice (God rest that poor dog's soul) let's get to the predictifying. And yes, predictifying is totally a word, President Bush used it in a sentence once so that makes it officialated. (Also totally a word.)

Actual New Year might

not be this adorable.

JANUARY:
While this one's not a prediction, my sources tell me that Jenna Carly Tuedla, reportedly the first baby born this year missed it by about 8.4 seconds. The true first birth of 2012 happened in a cave on the island of Fiji. Baby boy Ashneel Cokanauto entered the world at a whopping nine pounds, seven ounces. His father was not present at the birth, being a wild boar and all, probably had other stuff to do. His human mom did not survive the ordeal as his horns, tusks and hooves literally tore the poor girl a new one on the way out. Likely none of this bodes well for the rest of humanity either. Still, he is a cute little tyke… for an Anti-Christ.

Please let that be 

a mic in her pants.

FEBRUARY: 

Tragedy will strike Super Bowl XLVI (that's #46) on February 5th in Indianapolis when Madonna takes the stage to perform the half-time show. That's it… that's the tragedy, Madonna sings at half-time. On the plus side, the NFL will see a tremendous revenue boost when it gains millions of new fans as gay men all over the world tune in to watch the Material Girl perform and discover that: "Some of those football player guys are really cute." BTW, do they even still call her the Material Girl anymore? Been so long since she was relevant I wouldn't know. 

Please don't reproduce… one Anti-Christ
in the world is enough.

MARCH:
The civilized world will be shocked, disgusted, confused and afraid to witness the whirlwind courtship and nuptials of retired NFL player Michael Strahan and consistent hot-mess Lindsay Lohan. Hollywood gossip rag TMZ will dub this traffic accident 'Strohan' and report Lindsay's explanation of the coupling to be unknown. Not because of any reticence on her part, but because the answers given will be a drunken stream of unintelligible gibberish followed by whooping noises. For his part, Strahan, who had previously been romantically linked to Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole, will be quoted as saying he just couldn't pass up the opportunity to get with a white chick.

APRIL:
In the face of mounting economic problems, the country of Greece will just completely shut down this year. Visitors to the shores of the Mediterranean country will find the entire nation and its islands boarded up like abandoned tenements. All calls into the capital city of Athens will be answered by an automated message that will simply state "We no here no more, okay? You no call here no more. Ain't nobody gonna be here. Okay, you hang up now, good-bye."

Because chick flicks ain't got no place in the summertime.

MAY: 

The summer movie season of 2012 will see the release of films such as The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hunger Games, The Amazing Spider-Man, Men in Black III and the Ridley Scott sci-fi epic Prometheus. Due to the excitement generated by the sheer awesomeness each of these films will hopefully contain, summer 2012 should also see the frequent and uncontrolled release of my bowels. This one's not only a prediction but also a warning to all who might find themselves sitting near me in the theater.

It's the uniform… apparently chicks dig doormen.

JUNE:
Scandal rocks Buckingham Palace as Prince William gets caught mid-coitus with his sister-in-law Pippa Middleton … and her sister/his wife Kate… together at the same damn time! The situation shines a new light of world-wide respect onto the Prince (Because really, who doesn't love a good three-way?) and all of England looks brighter in the reflected badassery. (Totally a word!) A special emergency meeting of Parliament will be convened and every rule in the book will be broken as they vote unanimously to physically kick the Queen's tired old carcass off the throne, lock Charles and Camilla's ugly asses in a tower somewhere and celebrate the coronation of King Big Willie.

JULY:

The mascots should 

have been our first clue 

to how awful it would be.

Sadly, any goodwill that William, Kate and Pippa's bedroom shenanigans might gain for the Brits will be short lived. Just one month later, in an effort to keep up with the times and make the London Olympic games something young people will give a crap about, organizers will stage the opening ceremonies via flash mob. This will turn out to be a huge mistake and several deaths by fire will occur as a result of the cauldron lighting ceremony gone horribly wrong. Other such efforts to update the games will lead to the unveiling of Synchronized Planking and Freestyle Tebowing as Olympic events. The US will sadly fail to medal in either competition, a fact made all the more embarrassing since Tim Tebow himself will be sent to London to compete in the very event that bears his name.

AUGUST:

Does anything ever really happen in August? No, and 2012 will be no different. Let's move on.

SEPTEMBER:

"How we supposed to take a serious
picture with Tiny Larry down there
making us look ridiculous?"

Having finally poked their heads out from under their sheets and taken a good look around, the Ku Klux Klan will realize that the numbers just aren't on their side and vote to hang up the sheets. Most of the organization's members will simply choose to hate other races quietly, under their breath like everyone else in America. Though there will be some exceptions like the Washington D.C. chapter. Those knuckleheads will elect to go out in a literal blaze of glory with an attempt to stage a cross burning on the White House lawn. The Secret Service will forever remember the ensuing bloodbath fondly and laughingly as Operation: Oh No They Didn't!

No Betty, that's not how
you do the Shocker.

OCTOBER:
America's grandma Betty White suffers a wardrobe malfunction while visiting the cackling hens of The View. The less said about this the better. Seeing as it's a premonition that means not only have I seen it once, I might have to suffer through it again when it really happens. Dear God!

NOVEMBER:
By the time the Presidential Election rolls around in November, the Republican party will still be at odds trying to figure out who their frontrunner for the nomination will be. Although Hell-bound snowballs Rick Santorum and Ron Paul will have eventually gotten the hint and bowed out sometime over the summer, the rest of the field hangs in there for the long haul. But when the Alaskan punchline Sarah Palin officially enters the race along with 'WTF?' poster boy Gary Busey, the incredible happens, the situation gets even worse. No one thought that possible. Amidst the confusion no one even notices that the polls never open on November 6th, no one bothers or cares and President Barack Obama just stays in the Oval Office unchallenged for a second term.

DECEMBER:

End of the world fears will be put to bed when December 21st comes and goes and we do not blow up. I repeat, we're all going to be fine. See, right up there on the Mayan calendar that everyone's been so worried about, right where the arrow is pointing, that doesn't say we all die… just France. France is f@%ked, the Mayans even underlined it. So I guess we aren't ALL going to be okay, just those of us who aren't French. The rest of us will have to learn to get along without really good cheeses and the fashion world will take a hit. Other than that, nothing changes.

Well that's all folks. Now you know what you've got to look forward to in the coming months so try to act accordingly and dress appropriately. And remember, when these things all start coming true, you're going to feel a strange urge to worship me, to look to me for guidance and leadership, to erect temples and idols in my image, to send me all your money that I might live better and continue to grace you with my visions. My advice is to go with those feelings, every single one of them, act on all that shit, people. Love me and give me stuff!

This has been the Oracle, that is all.