FUTURE FASHION

Found myself feeling all spring-timey yesterday, getting kinda geeked about baseball season coming up. For that reason I walked into work wearing my long sleeved Red Sox batting practice pullover. Penny, one of the women in my office (that I haven't sexually harassed… yet) commented that I looked like a red shirt ensign from Star Trek. Then oddly enough, later in the day my friend Terri made a joke on Facebook about me wearing a red shirt like a doomed ensign as well. And to my knowledge Terri hadn't seen me and had no idea what I was actually wearing. Unless she's ignoring the restraining order that is. It's possible… she's kind of obsessed with me. Now while Penny's observation was just her trying to make me smile and Terri's was more a desire to see me obliterated by some alien death trap, (I didn't say hers was the good kind of obsession) it was still a weird coincidence that I took a sign from above. I guess I'm supposed to talk Trek today. Oh well, who am I to thwart the will of fate?

So pretty. I'd totally hit that.

Just so happens that the 2009 film remake has been playing on FX Network all week and I've caught it once or… all nine times they've shown it. (That's normal behavior, right?) And something that's stood out for me every time I've watched are the uniforms. Well that and the fact that it's a really crappy story made enjoyable because of terrific special effects and a lightning pace that never lets you think about how truly asinine the plot is. Pretty much the type of film Michael Bay tries to make every time. But back to the uniform thing… who the f@%k dressed these people? Like I said before, I wore a damn baseball shirt yesterday and I looked like I belonged on the Enterprise. As if I could've just walked onto the bridge, taken a seat and no one would've noticed the difference. Just headed out into space, going to other planets, getting off this f@%king miserable rock. Maybe get myself a phaser and be all like "Pew-pew… suck it Klingons, ya punk-ass bitches! Commander Savage is all up in your space!"

I'm sorry, how long was I gone this time? Anyway, Starfleet's a military organization, the Enterprise is their flagship, the standard bearer and the entire crew looks like they just rolled out of bed late for finals. To illustrate, I've put together a graphic that shows Starfleet uniforms in chronological order. Because I have that kind of spare time since hiding from Terri means I don't go out much.

One of these things is not like the others. Which one's more ridiculous, can you tell?

Granted, they're all pretty much dressed like a bunch of futuristic bellhops, but notice how everyone else looks nice and neat, clean and pressed. Kinda like they're at least trying to get a decent tip for lugging your bags. Even Kirk in his golden years was all spit-shined and polished. Yet back in his wilder days when he was on a five-year mission to seek out new life and new hook-ups, he couldn't be bothered with ironing things I guess. And why toil around with concepts as mundane as belts or tucked in shirts when it's all just gonna just get beamed off at the first sign of poon anyway?

"Oh dear… my shirt didn't… beam in with
the rest… of me. And… you're welcome."

Wasn't all bad though. There was one nice aspect of Kirk and crew's less than formal attire: mini-skirts.

How YOU doin', Uhura?

But all things considered, it could've been much worse. Looking like a star-hopping slumber party is still a hundred times better than what those assholes looked like a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…

And of course we can't forget this guy.

"I AM YO DADDY!"

Cant forget him because he's the lone touch of awesomeness in that whole hot mess of a universe Lucas created. There are those who would point to Boba Fett being pretty cool as well. But really, that walking hood ornament died like a little bitch, so don't even. Yeah, I know, we started off talking about questionable clothing choices and veered into… wherever the hell we are now. But that's just the sort of thing that happens when I start talking sci-fi.

Come on man, pound out some of those dents,
slap on a coat of paint, show some damn pride!

Many Bothans died to bring you this post.

See now if you were a true Star Wars fan you'd be LOLing all over yourself right now. Of course if you were a true fan you'd be pretty pissed about all that other stuff I said before. Like Terri, she's a Star Wars fan and I… shit! I think I done stepped in it this time. Probably on her way over right now and I'm gonna die soiling my britches and screaming like a little girl… just like Boba Fett!

YEAH, I SAID IT! COME AND GIT SOME, STAR WARS NERDS!