Nah, I'm messing with you. I'm just here to f@%k around as usual.
So let's go back, shall we? Let's climb into the time machine of our collective imaginations — because there's no such thing as a real time machine, you know. There's only meth junkies who say they're from the future, con you into climbing into a phone booth with them by asking you to go back in time and help prevent the recession from happening. But then you find out it's all a lie when he punches you in the junk and steals your wallet, leaving you penniless, coddling your sack and crying in a glass box on the mean streets of NYC. Well who knew there were still phone booths around in 2011? I figured he had to be on the level. I've seen Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, that shit could really happen. I did it for America!
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| "It happened right there, Officer! No I will not calm down!" |
But I'm not here to punch you in the nuts. (Unless you're into that sort of thing.) I'm here to take you back to the year 1984. For some of you that sparks recollections of big-ass hair, shoulder pads, piano ties, parachute pants and Members Only jackets. For others it means absolutely nothing because your daddies hadn't even met your mamas yet. And I hate you young mother f@%kers for that. Anyway, in 1984 rock legends Van Halen released an album titled, appropriately enough… 1984. Great album, instant classic, one of my favs. Being young and having the freedom from responsibility and the spare time that I took for granted and now miss with every breath that brings me closer to death, I wanted to see Eddie and the boys when they came around to play New York's Madison Square Garden. But alas I found myself to be a little cash poor at that point. That whole freedom from responsibility thing translates into my not having a damn job back then. But my boy Andy stepped up and was all like: "I'll spot you on this one. I'll pick up tickets and you pay me back when you can." (Paraphrasing of course. How am I supposed to remember his exact damn words?)
So imagine my surprise a day later when Andy informed me that he didn't get me a ticket. Oh he meant to, had every intention of doing so… until his girlfriend Joanne — whom he'd just hooked-up with like a day before — told him she wanted to go and there wasn't enough cash in the coffers to spot us both. At that point what could I do… but break them up? Oh yeah, that bitch had to go. To my credit though, I never lied or did anything underhanded to achieve this goal. Understand that Joanne was a whore and I just made sure Andy knew it. And she didn't make it all that difficult either. Getting regular transvaginal exams (Topical Phrase Alert!) in parked cars with dudes other than Andy provided me with plenty of opportunity, ammunition and witnesses to help prove my case and get me my damn ticket. Ahhh… memories.
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| "Um… guys, maybe you shouldn't all be grabbing it like that. That's looking kinda… never mind. I'll just take the picture." |
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| "Are you sure wearing a seatbelt counts as protection?" |
Annnnd we're back to the present. And just like twenty-eight years ago, (REALLY?) Van Halen's back as well, kickin' it once again with David Lee Roth, a new album and a new tour and I'm once again too broke to get a ticket. Doesn't really matter as much today since I wouldn't want to go even if money weren't an issue. Not gonna be breaking up any relationships all in the name of rock 'n roll, so all my buddies married to unfaithful sluts can just relax. You dudes should probably check your bitch's phone records though. Just sayin'. But your marriage is safe from me at least because I don't want to see Van Halen when they hit the road this year with Kool & the Gang as their opening act. Wait…WTF?
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| Somebody's agent must have lost a bet. |
Now my wife with her bright side mentality is giving them the benefit of the doubt. She's like that, always trying to see the best in people. (Wasting her time with me though.) Since the CT show is at the Mohegan Sun Arena she's thinking maybe Kool or one of the Gang might have a gambling problem or religious aversion to playing a casino. Yeah, that sounds plausible, until two weeks later when they're playing New Jersey's Boardwalk Hall in the heart of Atlantic City. And okay, maybe that's different, that's just a concert hall and not actually in the middle of a casino like Mohegan Sun. So maybe their religious beliefs or 12-step program will allow that. But what about two months after that when they're playing the MGM Grand Garden Arena in the MGM Grand Hotel and CASINO in Las Vegas? Las Vegas, that place with so much vice they call it Sin City. What up with that, huh? Where's your God now, Kool?
Obviously Mr. Robert "Kool" Bell (As if his mama really named him that.) doesn't have any addictions or vice aversions or religious beliefs that prevent him from playing here. That motherf@%ker just has a problem with my home state. And that being the case, I now have a problem with him. So f@%k him and f@%k his gang too! Not even a real gang anyway, bunch of posers! What kinda gang dresses in shiny satin jumpsuits and plays party music? This ain't no West Side Story!
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| Okay, not really jumpsuits, more of a leisure separates kind of thing. So I stand corrected. But still… DAMN! |
So along with calling bullshit I'm also calling boycott! From now on I call for the song Celebration to cease being played at all weddings and other such affairs in the great state of Connecticut. Kool & the Gang don't wanna play here, then they should stop being played here as well. In the future, all resident happy couples looking to jump the broom (it's a black thing) should do so accompanied by the more apropos tune Jump by Van Halen, since they don't seem to have a problem with us.
Of course on the other hand, Mohegan Sun's the only spot on the tour owned by a Native American tribe, so it might be a racial thing. Which would mean Kool and his boys don't have a problem with all of us, just Connecticut Indians.
If that's the case then… is it wrong that I'd be okay with that?
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