It's Happening Again

Just like last year, happened around this same time. I forget the event that sparked it in 2010, but last night it was the girl at Big Y, cute little cherub, working part-time after school at the aisle 5 check-out. (Okay, that may or may not have been her situation. She could've been a youngish looking 41 year-old mother of three pulling a double shift to make ends meet for all I know.) Whatever her story was, she rang up my potatoes, my bread and my Swedish Fish… and no, I didn't actually need the damn Swedish Fish, it had just been that kind of day. And thank you for mentioning that my pants are riding kinda tight these days! Wait… that wasn't you, was it?

Anyway, the high school cougar hands me my receipt and a coupon for $5.00 off a frozen turkey, smiles sweetly and says "Happy Holidays from Big Y". And just like that, I'm in the holiday spirit. 

As I said before, same thing happened last year too. And yes, I realize that lots of people get into the holiday spirit this time of year… as opposed to getting in the spirit in the middle of August I guess. But it's pretty damned unusual for me, I'm not normally one for that type of crap. Traditionally I'm the one flinging poop at those with Christmas in their hearts. Metaphorical poop of course. Well, there was that one time… but you know, you and five of your friends knock on a stranger's door to sing at them all dressed up in gay apparel, you're just asking for it. 

Because of misunderstandings like that I'm usually being pegged as Grinch or Scrooge or asshole or "The guy who never picks up a check". Those last two are pretty much year-round deals but it's not like they get a rest during the joyous season so I threw them onto the pile. 

Don't even try to act like you
wouldn't see this movie!

The ironic thing about it is that it was a $5.00 coupon for a frozen bird corpse that started melting me inside, got me feeling stuff that you normal folks are in touch with. When it happened last year I was actually kind of worried. Frantically asking questions like "What the hell's going on? What do these feelings mean? Why is this happening to me? Am I going to die?" Turned out that I was freaking out (and even peeing myself a little) over nothing. It was a mild case, passed as quickly as it came. That's the reason I'm not too concerned this time around. I'll smile at a few people, hum one or two merry tunes, maybe even put up a decoration or something like that and before you know it…

Okay wait… it's gone. I'm good. But still, I kinda liked the feeling for a moment there. Might wanna get myself some more of that. Question is: how? How do I recapture that warm and gooey feeling? And I think I've got a plan. A plan so crazy that it might actually work… or it might kill me. Stay tuned.