STORY TIME!

Hey there, been a while, I know, crazy week, lots going on. Plus, you know that I see other people on other blogs, right? Never said we were exclusive or anything like that, you're just gonna have to take me when you can get me, baby. But I'm here now so let's make the best of our time together and not waste it fighting about things like commitment or infidelity or you perhaps getting yourself tested, okay? 

And don't let the title fool you, Daddy's not going to tell you a story, not today. Dropping by this time around to give you a few tips on how you, yourself can tell a good story. That's not to say that I'm so arrogant as to think I'm a gifted enough writer to be able to pass the wisdom of the craft on to the masses. (At least not yet. Gimme another month.) No, I'm not talking about writing a story, I'm talking about actually telling a story, the verbal kind, the everyday kinds of stories people tell to other people when they're next to them on the train commuting to work. Or in the elevator on the way up to the office, or at someone's desk bugging them when there's work to be done and deadlines to be met, or at the water cooler when a guy just wants to get a damn drink, or the line at the cafeteria when a son of a bitch just wants to get his grub on, or even in the f##king bathroom when the poor bastard's just trying find a peaceful moment to crap fire because Taco Friday in the cafeteria is always a bad idea! 

Maybe you could tell from the amount of venom in that long-ass run-on sentence, but I've been that guy, the verbal victim in all of those scenarios. Except for the train thing, not allowed on trains, not anymore. Didn't grope that woman though, no matter what she said. Train stopped short, I fell forward, hands gotta land somewhere. Anyway, we've all been there, stuck in those moments when some chowderhead is going on and on and on about crap you don't give a… well that you don't give a crap about. Kinda like right now, but at least here I'll occasionally hit you with a graphic to keep you interested, like…

Now there are lots of different reasons why a well intentioned tale can turn into an energy-sapping ordeal from which there seems to be no escape. But in my experience at being a casualty of such soul violation, I've found that it usually comes down to four simple mistakes on the part of the storyteller. I present them here in no particular order.

1) YOU HAD TO BE THERE:

We've all been on the receiving end of this one. Eight minutes of your life spent listening to the aforementioned Chowderhead's meandering set-up and when he finally reaches the punch line, the climax, the big reveal it turns out to be something along the lines of: "So Dave walks in (snicker) and he's got mustard on his shoe and I'm like, (chortle) Dave, mustard, really? (Bwah ha ha ha!)" Twenty seconds later, Chowderhead notices he's the only one laughing and then offers up your failure to have been present at Dave's mustard party as the reason you didn't find it funny. And for the record, you can't legally beat a man to death for that, I've checked.

2) MISSING AUDIO/VISUAL ELEMENTS:

Almost of the same slant as #1, but in this instance Chowderhead's tale relies on Dave's Australian accent to make it funny, or maybe the look on Dave's face was the key to unlocking your laugh box. So not only weren't you there for the real deal, but now you've got to watch and listen in silent horror as Chowderhead tries to recreate the magic by butchering an Aussie accent into something that sounds like an old Russian woman with the barrel of a gun in her mouth. On top of that he's making facial expressions that remind you of the time your cousin choked on a marble and died right in front of you when you were seven years-old. (BTW, if you actually did ever lose a loved one that way, I am of course sorry for your tragic loss. That being said, that is some real effed up shit right there.)

3) LESS THAN TOTAL RECALL:

Like streaming porn slowed to a crawl due to low bandwidth and increased traffic, the legend of Dave's mustard shoe comes at you in drips and drabs thanks to the simple fact that Chowderhead is having trouble remembering the sequence of events. So instead of at least having the decency to get his notes in order before coming to you to waste your time, he hits you with five and a half minutes of "Um… wait, so then… wait… hold on a sec… um… oh yeah… no…" as he buffers his way through to a less than satisfying ending that will ultimately prove to be your fault. (Because you had to be there, remember?)

4) SHIT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE:

You don't like Dave. In fact, you f##king hate Dave! Dave is the jerkoff bastard from down under who bent your girlfriend over a stack of coats last year at your boss' Halloween party… all suave and what-not with his accent and his awesome Captain Jack Sparrow costume and shit. That still-talked about event is what your ex-girlfriend/Dave's new fiancé lovingly refers to as their "Meet Cute". Safe to say that any story about Dave that doesn't end with his being ass-raped by a gang of rabid Clydesdales while your duct-taped ex-bitch hangs a from a meat hook and waits her turn, is not a story you care to hear. Chowderhead knows this, Chowderhead acknowledges this by prefacing his yarn with something like "Look, I know you and Dave don't really get along all that well, but…" Then without missing a beat, completely ignoring the flush of color in your cheeks and the throbbing vein that's made its way to the surface of your temple, he goes on to tell you the epic of the mustard shoe anyway. Sadly, just as I said at the end of #1, you can't legally beat Chowderhead to death for this. But Chowderhead sounds like a real asshole so I'm sure that should you find yourself bludgeoning him past the point of expiration with his own arm, you're probably not gonna have to look too far to find someone to help you hide the body, clean up the mess or even hook you up you with a credible alibi.

Well then, I hope this helps. If even one person heeds my advice and avoids being a Chowderhead in the future, then my time on this Earth has been worthwhile. Speaking of which, if anyone can provide me with an alibi for my whereabouts yesterday at around 2:30 pm, it would be most appreciated.