OPERATION CHESTNUTS:

I had it, for about five good minutes I had it. You were there, you saw, about two weeks ago I wrote about it. I had the Holiday Spirit for a brief moment and then just as suddenly as it came, it went. And I liked it, God help me, I liked it! Ronny wants more of that, Ronny needs it, needs more of the spirit to get well. Gotta get me more of that shit, man! I'm hurtin', hurtin' real bad. Gimme some more, man, come on, give it to me! I'll suck your…

Hold on now, not that desperate for it… yet.

I think I know how to get it back without resorting to degrading sexual practices (unlike back in high school). I've got a plan to recapture it. I'll go to the same resource I used to learn how to drive a car, how to roast a turkey, how to play the piano and how to set up a meth lab: Television! Television helped me out with all that stuff. Granted, I can't even play Chopsticks and the meth lab blew up in my face. But I can roast the hell out of a turkey and drive that bitch wherever it needs to go, so television is 2 for 4 as a life coach. But if this plan succeeds, then the idiot box finishes 2011 with a winning percentage in the Savage household. 

Here's the deal, starting on the evening of December 1st, I am going to attempt to watch one Hallmark Channel or ABC Family Channel holiday movie a night all the way through to Christmas Eve. And believe me, just typing those words has made me breakout in a cold sweat. 24 movies at 2 hours each, 48 hours in total. Essentially two full days of B and C list actors finding the meaning and magic of Christmas in various ways. In most cases that involves taking a stranger or a stray animal into their homes, teaching us all that Christmas is about endangering your family by risking home invasion or rabies. 

Each night I'll try to throw out a few thoughts and words about the evening's selection and chronicle my descent into madness. By Christmas Day I'll either be so full of the Holiday Spirit I'll be bleeding egg nog from my eyes, or so full of rage and self-hatred that I'll become a danger to myself and those closest to me. Either way I'll be a changed man… and possibly dead by my own hands. 

Join me on the journey, won't you?