DAY 10: REGRETS… I HAVE A BUNCH.

The warm and touching
story of… who gives a shit?

No joke people, I am really starting to hate Christmas. Wasn't a big fan of it to begin with, but now I am seriously close to taking down my own tree, ripping the lights off my house, burning every bit of wreath and garland and telling my kid that Santa Claus was the one who took his grandma to Heaven. Sure the horrible vengeance that my wife would rain down upon my head stands as a very strong deterrent between me and those rash actions but… well… um… no, that's pretty much the only reason I'm not going to do any of those things. She would kill me, badly, with pain, humiliation and probably a few ornaments shoved in dark places for a laugh. Remember the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark? What happens to the Nazi dudes when they look into the Ark and their faces are melting and exploding and shit? It'd be a lot like that… for anyone who saw what the little woman would do to me. So yeah, Christmas continues in the Savage home, unmolested by my desire to see it not be so. I however, remain and continue to be… molested I guess by these holiday films. Really wish I'd found a better way to put that, but there it is. Not like there's some magical deleting button that I can simply push and make it all go away and start again fresh. So it's onward, ever onward people!

We're here today to talk about The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, another by-the-book Hallmark Channel holiday film. Seriously, Hallmark has a book, a dark tome covered in human flesh and written with the blood of former child stars by a man who claims to be the second coming of Herb Randal. You have no idea who that is, do you? No one does, that's what makes his presence so sinister! Every holiday film made in Hallmark's name must contain at least three of the elements Herb describes in the book. I know you think I'm crazy but it exists I tell you, I've heard about it… from myself! Yeah, who's crazy now?

This movie provided the first element of its quota (Herb be praised!) with single mom Jenny (Brook Burns) awaiting the arrival of her Uncle Ralph (Henry Winkler) for the holidays. Uncle Fonzie… sorry… Uncle Ralph travels from New York to Chicago on an airplane that magically changes every time you see it based on whatever stock footage the production staff could find. When it takes off from JFK it's an all white, twin engine DC-9. In the air it's still a DC-9 but with blue trim. By the time it lands at O'Hare International it's a triple engine DC-10 with red trim. I didn't look closely but I'll bet the pilot changed race and gender several times along the way as well. During the magical flight Uncle Fonzie… oops, did it again… Uncle Ralph becomes friends with seat companion Morgan. (Warren Christie doing his best to be that guy Sawyer from Lost. Look at the picture… yeah, you see it too.) Morgan is connecting to Denver but all flights are canceled as Denver is snowed in. So Uncle Fonzie… yeah, I'm just going with it… brings him home to Jenny's for Christmas, thereby providing the second required element: bringing home a stray for the holidays. (Herb be praised!)

Jenny's not pleased by this development and neither is her rich a-hole of a boyfriend (played by some a-hole of an actor who's not even worth naming). The a-hole's presence does give us the third required element: the rich idiot who doesn't understand what the holidays are really about. (Say it with me now…Herb be praised! And now we're a cult.) What follows next is… nothing. Nothing really happens. For the better part of the time everyone is simply there enduring a few situations and set-ups that force them into getting to know one another. Jenny and Morgan are supposed to be connecting during all this but there's absolutely zero spark between them. Hell, there's more chemistry between Morgan and Uncle Fonzie. (And is it weird that I'd actually be interested in seeing them hook-up? Come on, Fonzie going gay with Not-Sawyer? I can't be alone in that.) There's some slight drama at the end when the a-hole boyfriend secretly convinces Morgan to leave on Christmas Eve. Jenny finds out and is livid, drags the a-hole outside and gives him an earful before dumping his a-hole ass. (I think I just committed a hate-crime against grammar with that one.) Normally the act of someone getting called on the carpet and chewed out like that is known as a "come to Jesus meeting" (love that term) but being a Hallmark movie we have to refer to it as a "come to Herb moment". Doesn't really have the same ring to it, but rules are rules. Oh yeah… (Herb be praised… whatever.)

In the tradition of the finest romantic comedies (which this film is most certainly not) Jenny sprints to the airport to stop Morgan from leaving. When she thinks she's missed him and he's gone she ends up baring her soul — albeit accidentally — to him and every other holiday traveler over the PA system. On the other side of the airport, Morgan hears her voice and her words and runs to her. And when they're in sight of one another, do they run and jump and fling themselves forcefully into one another's arms like young-ish people in love do? No, instead he smiles at her from a respectable distance, she smiles back and then shrugs. Yeah, the man she wants to spend the rest of her days with gets a shrug. This one's gonna go the distance all right. Bet Uncle Fonzie would've kissed him. Probably would've sucked the taste buds right off Not-Sawyer's tongue. At least then something interesting would have happened. Seriously, am I the only one who would watch that?

I hate Christmas. (GO F@%K YOURSELF, HERB!)