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| Bet that guy poops on cars while he's floating around up there. I would. |
…ah who am I trying to kid? That's not what I'm saying today, that's what I'd be all like if it were tomorrow. But it ain't, it's today, Day 23, one more day of this shit to go after this one, so today I'm all like mother f@%ker! Why is Christmas taking so damn long to get here already? Just taking forever, like watching your grandmother slowly struggle to get up after a fall. Sure you could speed things up, help her to her feet, make sure her hip is still intact. But you know, you just sat down to breakfast and if you help her then by the time you got back to the table your cereal is all soggy and you got that old people smell on you. Who wants that? And at least in that scenario you have a choice, could take action if you were so inclined and not such a selfish bastard. Waiting for the holidays to be over is just… son of a bitch! To quote Alvin and the Chipmunks: "We can hardly stand the wait… so Christmas hurry the f@%k up and get here before I shoot you in the face you stupid little bitch-ass holiday!" Might not be the way the song really goes, but that's how I sing it. Consequently I'm not allowed to go caroling in the state of… anywhere there's children.
Guess since the last two days of these things aren't gonna just write themselves I might as well get to it. If you were paying attention a couple days ago (probably weren't) you'll recall that the Judd Nelson holiday creep-fest Cancel Christmas was the reason Hallmark Channel and I finally parted ways. I'd had enough of the bitch and decided I needed to see other networks. Spent the prior evening with TNT and I thought I'd give the Lifetime Net another look this time, see what Christmas Angel was all about. Right before the movie began an announcer informed me that this Lifetime Original Movie was being sponsored by… come on, take a wild guess. That's right, Hallmark! Bitches followed me, couldn't just leave me in peace. Why can't they let me be happy with someone else?
Fine, whatever, I let them tag along. Christmas Angel is a pretty simple story about Ashley, a young woman with some issues… as if there's any other kind. (Oh look, women can call for a fatwa too. That's so adorable.) Holidays have gotten Ashley down and she needs a job. About the only thing good in her life is her dog named Dash. Then Dash gets hit and killed by a drunk driver. Okay, I'm just messing with you about Dash, he's fine. But that would've been awesome…ly sad. Yeah, awesomely sad is what I was going to say, because I don't have any darkness within me. No sir, no darkness here. You believe me, right? Let's get back to that movie.
Ashley takes a job as a personal assistant for her neighbor across the hall, Nick. Turns out that kindly, white haired gentleman Nick is independently wealthy and just slums it in his crappy apartment for the thrill of living poor. He also spends time doing for others and using his secret fortune to bring Christmas to the needy as a covert Santa. Nick's a real saint. (Yeah, like you couldn't see that one coming.) We find out that he's also helped Ashley in the past as well, one year ago at Christmas, he was the reason Dash just showed up on her doorstep. He knew she was having a rough go of it even back then, knew that she liked dogs, and he figured she could use a friend. Probably coulda used a couple grand as well seeing as he's got the extra scratch and all but no, the dog was very thoughtful. Nothing like another mouth to feed when you can barely pay the rent. Way to go Dick… I mean Nick.
Early on in the flick Ashley meets a young man named Will and they sort of get a thing going, even though he's pretty much a douche with just one redeeming quality, he um… uh… he… shit, I can't really think of it right now. Maybe he didn't even have one. Totally possible since he's an investigative journalist who spends most of his screen time either following Ashley around like a stalker or bugging her for an interview with Nick so he can expose their whole secret operation. All worried about where his next story is coming from instead of working to get all up in Ashley sideways like any decent guy would. Reporters are the worst. Like that guy Mr. McGhee from the old Incredible Hulk series, remember him? Couldn't stand that guy! Every week I kept hoping the Hulk would drop-kick his ass off a cliff or something but nope, he survived every time to come back next episode and be a jerk. Still for some reason, Ashley digs him — she digs Will, not Mr. McGhee — and she keeps giving him a chance even though they have the sexual chemistry of a garden gnome sitting in a bucket of dirt. I could be wrong though, garden gnomes might be into that, I don't know and I ain't one to judge.
Meanwhile, since no good deed goes unpunished, Nick gets cancer and dies. Not that quickly of course, takes about fifteen minutes, only a two hour movie for crying out loud. He leaves his fortune to Ashley and asks her to continue his good works, and she does so by living as he did and doing as he would've done like a dumbass. Stays in the same apartment, and brings joy to the needy, especially at Christmastime. Doesn't buy a fancy new car or a big house or a solid gold bidet that shoots champagne. Oh, like I'm the only one who would cleanse their crack with a '75 Dom Perignon if they had the cash? Bullshit! Don't even try to fake, you know that sounds like one luxuriously refreshing squat! Probably tickles, like pixie kisses. (Ohhhhhh!)
Overall though, I kinda liked this movie. Nick and Ashley's story and their scenes together were nice and believable. I was able to tolerate Will, albeit just barely. His being a two dimensional character on my TV screen made the task doable. If he existed in the real world and were right in front of me I wouldn't be in such good humor and I'd have to pee on him. Not in a weird way or nothing, I just think reporters should be peed on, most of them deserve it and it would help them learn their place. That's how the Hulk should have handled that McGhee fellow, should've whipped it out and pissed on him. Probably would have been like hitting him with a fire hose, knocked him across the street and slammed him into a parked car, gamma irradiated urine burning the flesh right off that nosy f@%ker's bones. Then he coulda been all like: "Puny Banner warned you not make Hulk angry, beeyatch!"
You ever write something down, go back and read it later and think "Holy shit, what the f@%k is wrong with me?" Yeah, that last bit was such a moment. All right, I've got darkness in here.
Ashley takes a job as a personal assistant for her neighbor across the hall, Nick. Turns out that kindly, white haired gentleman Nick is independently wealthy and just slums it in his crappy apartment for the thrill of living poor. He also spends time doing for others and using his secret fortune to bring Christmas to the needy as a covert Santa. Nick's a real saint. (Yeah, like you couldn't see that one coming.) We find out that he's also helped Ashley in the past as well, one year ago at Christmas, he was the reason Dash just showed up on her doorstep. He knew she was having a rough go of it even back then, knew that she liked dogs, and he figured she could use a friend. Probably coulda used a couple grand as well seeing as he's got the extra scratch and all but no, the dog was very thoughtful. Nothing like another mouth to feed when you can barely pay the rent. Way to go Dick… I mean Nick.
Early on in the flick Ashley meets a young man named Will and they sort of get a thing going, even though he's pretty much a douche with just one redeeming quality, he um… uh… he… shit, I can't really think of it right now. Maybe he didn't even have one. Totally possible since he's an investigative journalist who spends most of his screen time either following Ashley around like a stalker or bugging her for an interview with Nick so he can expose their whole secret operation. All worried about where his next story is coming from instead of working to get all up in Ashley sideways like any decent guy would. Reporters are the worst. Like that guy Mr. McGhee from the old Incredible Hulk series, remember him? Couldn't stand that guy! Every week I kept hoping the Hulk would drop-kick his ass off a cliff or something but nope, he survived every time to come back next episode and be a jerk. Still for some reason, Ashley digs him — she digs Will, not Mr. McGhee — and she keeps giving him a chance even though they have the sexual chemistry of a garden gnome sitting in a bucket of dirt. I could be wrong though, garden gnomes might be into that, I don't know and I ain't one to judge.
Meanwhile, since no good deed goes unpunished, Nick gets cancer and dies. Not that quickly of course, takes about fifteen minutes, only a two hour movie for crying out loud. He leaves his fortune to Ashley and asks her to continue his good works, and she does so by living as he did and doing as he would've done like a dumbass. Stays in the same apartment, and brings joy to the needy, especially at Christmastime. Doesn't buy a fancy new car or a big house or a solid gold bidet that shoots champagne. Oh, like I'm the only one who would cleanse their crack with a '75 Dom Perignon if they had the cash? Bullshit! Don't even try to fake, you know that sounds like one luxuriously refreshing squat! Probably tickles, like pixie kisses. (Ohhhhhh!)
Overall though, I kinda liked this movie. Nick and Ashley's story and their scenes together were nice and believable. I was able to tolerate Will, albeit just barely. His being a two dimensional character on my TV screen made the task doable. If he existed in the real world and were right in front of me I wouldn't be in such good humor and I'd have to pee on him. Not in a weird way or nothing, I just think reporters should be peed on, most of them deserve it and it would help them learn their place. That's how the Hulk should have handled that McGhee fellow, should've whipped it out and pissed on him. Probably would have been like hitting him with a fire hose, knocked him across the street and slammed him into a parked car, gamma irradiated urine burning the flesh right off that nosy f@%ker's bones. Then he coulda been all like: "Puny Banner warned you not make Hulk angry, beeyatch!"
You ever write something down, go back and read it later and think "Holy shit, what the f@%k is wrong with me?" Yeah, that last bit was such a moment. All right, I've got darkness in here.
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