DAY18/19: YES VIRGINIA… SANTA'S A BASTARD!

Doing double duty on this one because something just occurred to me yesterday. I really like using the word duty. (Heh heh… sounds like making poop.) But that's not what occurred to me, just felt like mentioning it. What hit me was the fact that technically I've been a day behind on this movie thing the whole time. Started when I watched the first flick on December 1st yet I didn't write and post until the 2nd, been doing that ever since. Not a crime or nothing (Is it?) but what that means is, I keep going this way and I'll be doing the last one, the 24th post on Christmas morning. Somehow I don't think that would fly too well in my home. "Hang on son, Daddy's just gotta write and post this last bit of venom and then we can open presents. Gimme another hour. Merry Christmas… stop crying!"

Besides, no one's reading these anyway. Holiday shit going on, shopping to do, parties to go to, busy in the brain trying to guess which relative is gonna come out of the closet this year — because they always do it at the holiday table. Fun to watch but really, what up with that? Still, there's YOU of course… not that YOU'RE the one coming out of the closet. (Are you?) I mean you're sticking around and I thank you for indulging me in that way. Some out there (like my wife) might say you're enabling me, but she doesn't know about us! She doesn't understand our bond! Why can't she let us be happy? Even still, it'd be a lot to expect you to be here on Christmas Day. So like I said up top about the double duty (got to say it again… hot diggity), watched two movies yesterday, gonna post about both in one shot today and then we'll be square, all even Steven. And then if per chance there's something you want to tell me, a holiday admission or declaration you want to make, I'll listen. You're safe here.

My wish? I'd really like those
two hours back… please?

DAY 18: The DVD cover pic for A Christmas Wish is probably one of the most misleading things I've ever seen. That is not hyperbole by the way, totally serious. Through its use of colorful imagery, festive logo treatment and Kristy Swanson's playful smirk, one would think they were signing on for a feel-good, happy family film. BULLSHIT! There's more color used in that pic than in the whole damn movie. Everything in this flick is gray! The sky, the ground, the clothes, the buildings, the characters lives, their outlooks, their futures, their eventual sad deaths, all of it, gray!

Starts out with a cheery scene in a rundown trailer park as Swanson's character, Martha piles her three raggedy kids into their old car and heads out on the highway, ten days before Christmas. Why? Because daddy took all the money from the coffee can and all the furniture and split. "Even the big cable spool coffee table and the cinder block shelves?" Yup, bastard took the good stuff!  Did leave a note though, so he can't be all bad. Guy coulda just flipped 'em the bird as he drove off into the night, but he took time to put pen to paper when he told them to go suck a fire hydrant. Kind of considerate, right?

After that joyful start we're treated to an opening credits montage of Martha going from town to town with children in tow, looking for work and a place to stay. We get a little lesson in nomenclature from Martha when we learn that her name is a derivation of Mary. So what we really see at the beginning is a woman kinda sorta named Mary going from town to town at Christmas looking for a place to stay. Get what they did there? It was pretty subtle so I want to make sure you didn't miss it. Mary… sorry… Martha finds a job as a waitress and a place to stay in the tiny town of Mapleton…somewhere USA. Don't recall them actually mentioning the state, but wherever it was, it was flat, they wore big hats and ate everything covered in gravy. (The gravy thing seemed nice though.) And then into the diner and Martha's life walked the only young, single and good looking guy in town, so of course he's on Martha like gravy on everything. His name BTW is — wait for it — Joe(seph). No they didn't! Yeah they did!

The movie eventually comes to its requisite happy ending but it goes through a mountain of sad to get there. Martha's car bleeds oil and dies, her son's getting beaten up in school, the motel manager is going to kick them all out on Christmas Eve, Joe looks to be hooking up with his old flame, the diner's closing down so there goes the job, then her husband tracks her down to serve her with divorce papers and take the boy away. All this leads avowed sinner and non-believer Martha to drop to her knees and pray for help from on high for the first time in her life. And when I say drop I mean literally dropped, shit sounded like it hurt.

But God hears her (How could he not with her kneecaps cracking on the pavement like that?) and apparently says "I was just messin' with you, girl." And everything gets fixed in the last ten minutes. I then realized that life is worth living, climbed out of the pit of despair this movie flung me into, pulled the gun out of my mouth and went onto the next cinematic adventure.

Jennifer Garner, before she 
suffered her Afleck-tion. 
Please forgive me? 

DAY 19: Second film of the day, Rose Hill was a special case. Technically it was not a holiday film, even though there were a couple of Christmas scenes involved. Even so, given the parameters I had laid out for this whole deal, I wouldn't have watched it under normal circumstances. However, a very dear friend of mine had a copy on DVD and invited me over to her house to watch it. Reason being that a mutual friend of ours had kind of a substantial role in the movie. So I went to my friend's home, which was very nicely decorated for the holidays, enjoyed a meal and good conversation and then we watched the movie, which I'm not going to talk about because this one isn't about the movie. It was about the experience. Gathering around the hearth to enjoy good food, good company and good times is what the holidays are all about and I believe we nailed it, mission accomplished. Recall that the point of all this was to try to capture the holiday spirit through cheesy Hallmark-type movies. Well Rose Hill was a Hallmark Original, says so right there on the package. And it did a hell of a lot more to get me into the spirit than Recipe for a Perfect Christmas did, that's for damn sure. The feeling won't last though, got one coming up staring Judd Nelson as Santa Claus that will probably send me back down into the pit. Matter of fact, where's that gun Kristy Swanson almost made me eat? Should probably keep that handy.

While I was out last night making merry (giggity) I missed seeing Tom F@%king Brady and the New England Patriots' bring Tim (No Expletive) Tebow and the surging Denver Broncos down to Earth. Not a real big deal to me, but since I haven't flashed a little TFB up here in about three weeks, mentioning it gave me an excuse to do so. I'm doing this for you, to make your life better… and you're welcome.

 
There we go, all caught up nice, neat and tidy. Ready to finish strong these last five days! I should probably stretch first though. Don't wanna pull a hammy.