DAY 8: CRAWLING FROM THE WRECKAGE

What is there to say after that tag-line?

Okay, after yesterday's horror show and subsequent meltdown — really sorry about that —thought I'd switch it up a bit, toss a new wrinkle on the fire. Yeah, that doesn't even make sense, proof of how messed up I am. Mistletoe Over Manhattan definitely did some damage up in my dome. I'm still getting the shakes, there's been some bad dreams, I wake up screaming. And of course there's the bedwetting, intimacy problems, trust issues and a few sexual side-effects. Also, a bizarre addiction to scorpion venom. ("All that shit in 24 hours, Ron?") Yes, a lifetime of post traumatic stress disorders in one day, that's how heinous it was. And who knew you could score scorpion venom at a bodega? Go figure.

So, continuing on with the holiday movie thing… Hallmark hasn't broken me of that yet. Give them credit for trying though. Oh they wanna break me, I know, it's personal to them. Why else would they show movies that suck that bad? No other reason I can think of. Yeah, well they didn't get a crack at me last night. Nope, I fooled them, I went over to ION, another fine, family oriented network to partake of their holiday selection for the evening, an ION Original called A Holiday Heist. HA HA, SUCK IT HALLMARK!

Okay, here we go, who we got in this thing? Lacey Charbet, all grown up from Party of Five. Not a great sign but… Vivica A. Fox again, huh? Still representin' with the pouty duck-face I see. Okay, that's unfortunate but… Chris Kattan too? And now I realized just how dicked I really am.

Six college kids all stuck at school over Christmas break for various reasons, all wrangled into working at the university art gallery on Christmas Day. Makes sense of course because who doesn't want to gather up the family and head on over to an empty college campus to look at art when you could be home opening presents? I know it's a Yule time tradition in my family.

Wait, here comes the explanation of the plot delivered to us by Vivica Fox as the sassy Dean of students who don't play that mess. Dean Duck-Face is looking to get paid so she's hired two idiot thugs to be security guards and help her swipe all the paintings from the art gallery. What could go wrong with that? The guards are your classic comedy stereotype pair of bunglers, a tall thin one and a short fat one. Looks like the writers were aiming for Abbot and Costello but wound up with more of a Bulk and Skull vibe. (Remember them from the Power Rangers? No? I've embarrassed myself.)

Hey, here's a fun drinking game, let's do a shot for every other character stereotype. Here we go:

Charbet is the wholesome, all-American, mid-west girl-next-door. Sweet and innocent kid with big dreams, raw talent and no working knowledge of penises. DRINK!

We got a wealthy W.A.S.P. boy who wants people to look beneath the hunky exterior, forget about the money and see the "real" him because it's tough being rich, white and good-looking in America (Boo-Hoo jackass!). DRINK!

There's an Indian kid who makes Apu from The Simpsons look understated by comparison. (Love the constant references to curry.) DRINK!

The art history professor is a Chinese woman who drops her Ls in favor of Rs and covers her mouth when she giggles… at everything. DRINK!

Jewish kid constantly talking about how he doesn't see the big deal because "his people" don't do this whole "Christmas thing". DRINK!

Head of the gallery is rude, snooty and condescending, dude must be French. Yup… DRINK!

What's this? Frenchie has a flaming gay lover with a feather boa and a lisp. That's two drinks, one for the Nancy-boy stereotype and one for the French dude being gay. DRINK! DRINK!

Well you folks should be pretty liquored up by now, but pour yourselves one more because here comes the black guy (Come on, you knew there had to be one.) and he's… oh, he's okay actually, put your glasses down. No wait, he just turned on the radio… yeah, pick your glasses up, he's dancing… and he just declared that the song is the "shiznitz". So yeah… DRINK!

OMG, BONUS ROUND! The Indian kid went to get take-out and ran into the Chinese chick! Holy crap they're having a conversation and you can't understand a Goddamn word as two ancient cultures simultaneously take a punch to the nuts. FINISH THE DAMN BOTTLE!

This thing is bad on the level of what late night soft-core porn on Cinemax would be like if you edited out the grossly augmented tits and the poorly simulated sex. Not that I mind that sort of stuff. Let's be clear, that stuff makes it watchable (and helps Ronny sleep). But take the bouncy aspects away and you're left with A Holiday Heist. Not even going to bother telling you what happens with the rest of the story, because I seriously don't care. Might not have been as ridiculous as Lucky Christmas or as putrid as Mistletoe Over Manhattan (Or was it Lucky that was putrid and Mistletoe was ridiculous? As if it matters.). But at least those two felt as if they were trying to entertain. Sure the results were terrible but the effort was there, they both gave a shit. This one felt like they couldn't even be bothered. ION Channel, what the hell was I thinking? They play Ghost Whisperer reruns all day long. What do they know about Christmas?

Guess I owe a certain special cable channel an apology so if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go get some flowers and candy, see if Hallmark will take me back. You think they make a card for that? Would that be okay, giving a Hallmark to Hallmark? Or is that like feeding a Quarter-Pounder to a cow? Because I did that once, didn't turn out well at all. Poor animal had to be destroyed… in public. Whole petting zoo had to be shut down, my son still has nightmares about that day. Who do you think turned me on to the scorpion venom? I probably shouldn't even be talking about this.