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| Why a large license plate for the title? It's Christmas… why not? |
Day 3 did not go down as well as Day 2. Thanks to this day's offering, the fond memories and glad feelings of Day 2 seem like a time long ago in a far away place that doesn't exist anymore. A distant planet… called Krypton.
Forgive me, my proclivity for trivial geek references is a defense mechanism, a response to the violation I felt after being touched inappropriately by Farewell Mr. Kringle. Mrs. Ben Stiller had the lead in this one… excuse me… I mean Ms. Christine Taylor since she insists on being all liberated and empowered and whatnot. Flaunting her absence of traditional family values in the face of convention by keeping her maiden name. That just ain't right. Why, in my day… never mind… whatever… whore.
So in this by the book, down your throat, paint by numbers affair, that hussy Taylor plays Anna, a "big city" magazine reporter who gets an assignment from her editor (Vivica A. Fox, determined to deliver all her lines with pouty duck face) to travel to a small town in Northern California called Mistletoe. Seems Mistletoe is a town where it's Christmas all year round thanks to its oldest and most beloved resident, local loony man Kris Kringle. Anna's sent to get the scoop on Kringle, who used to be a normal jackass fifty years ago but these days he dresses, speaks and acts like Santa Claus. Still a jackass, just one in a red suit. It's actually kind of annoying. In fact, the whole frigging town is annoying. Everyone walking around saying "Ho Ho Ho" all the bloody time, wearing holiday sweaters like it's a federal mandate, and all that smiling. A whole town full of people desperately in need of a hammer to the face, or a zombie invasion. Or an invasion of hammer wielding zombies! Don't be rolling your eyes at the zombie thing, there are crazier concepts out there. Like the concept of a lucrative magazine with staff reporters and expense accounts lavish enough to send said reporters on assignment for a whole month in this day and age where print is dead. Now that's truly crazy.
But as bad as all the citizens of Whoville… sorry, I mean Mistletoe… as bad as they may be, Anna comes off worse with her big city, snobby, high-brow, naysaying, shit-don't-stink, pinkies-in-the-air, condescending, hoity-toity, fancy-schmancy, holier-than-thou, never-been-cow-tipping, chews-with-her-mouth-closed, fancy-schmancy, know-it-all attitude and… wait, did I say fancy-schmancy already? I lost track. Anyway… Anna's a f@%king bitch! Or at least she is until a heart-to-heart with Kringle reveals that the stick up her ass was planted there three years ago when her husband died around Christmastime. After that she softens up, removes the stick and lets the town hunk in.
Into her heart! She lets the town hunk into into her heart! I didn't mean she let him… Gutter minds!
And therein — I'm learning — seems to be the constant of a Hallmark Christmas flick. No, not awkward sexual innuendo (well they have that too), they're about tragedy and recovery. The protagonist usually suffers the tragic loss of a loved one around the holidays. Then eventually and inevitably they come to terms with it, make peace with it and find love again a year or two later. Three years in that bitch Anna's case. According to Hallmark, Christmas is the season of death and love.
Must be why every pet I ever got for Christmas died suddenly, tragically and quite inexplicably around three days later. Yeah, the season killed them, let's go with that.
So in this by the book, down your throat, paint by numbers affair, that hussy Taylor plays Anna, a "big city" magazine reporter who gets an assignment from her editor (Vivica A. Fox, determined to deliver all her lines with pouty duck face) to travel to a small town in Northern California called Mistletoe. Seems Mistletoe is a town where it's Christmas all year round thanks to its oldest and most beloved resident, local loony man Kris Kringle. Anna's sent to get the scoop on Kringle, who used to be a normal jackass fifty years ago but these days he dresses, speaks and acts like Santa Claus. Still a jackass, just one in a red suit. It's actually kind of annoying. In fact, the whole frigging town is annoying. Everyone walking around saying "Ho Ho Ho" all the bloody time, wearing holiday sweaters like it's a federal mandate, and all that smiling. A whole town full of people desperately in need of a hammer to the face, or a zombie invasion. Or an invasion of hammer wielding zombies! Don't be rolling your eyes at the zombie thing, there are crazier concepts out there. Like the concept of a lucrative magazine with staff reporters and expense accounts lavish enough to send said reporters on assignment for a whole month in this day and age where print is dead. Now that's truly crazy.
But as bad as all the citizens of Whoville… sorry, I mean Mistletoe… as bad as they may be, Anna comes off worse with her big city, snobby, high-brow, naysaying, shit-don't-stink, pinkies-in-the-air, condescending, hoity-toity, fancy-schmancy, holier-than-thou, never-been-cow-tipping, chews-with-her-mouth-closed, fancy-schmancy, know-it-all attitude and… wait, did I say fancy-schmancy already? I lost track. Anyway… Anna's a f@%king bitch! Or at least she is until a heart-to-heart with Kringle reveals that the stick up her ass was planted there three years ago when her husband died around Christmastime. After that she softens up, removes the stick and lets the town hunk in.
Into her heart! She lets the town hunk into into her heart! I didn't mean she let him… Gutter minds!
And therein — I'm learning — seems to be the constant of a Hallmark Christmas flick. No, not awkward sexual innuendo (well they have that too), they're about tragedy and recovery. The protagonist usually suffers the tragic loss of a loved one around the holidays. Then eventually and inevitably they come to terms with it, make peace with it and find love again a year or two later. Three years in that bitch Anna's case. According to Hallmark, Christmas is the season of death and love.
Must be why every pet I ever got for Christmas died suddenly, tragically and quite inexplicably around three days later. Yeah, the season killed them, let's go with that.
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