DAY 9: SEE, WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS…

I'll bet neither of them are wearing pants.

For any new people who might have wandered in here, welcome, this is a safe place. It's also where I'm chronicling my holiday endurance/torture test, twenty four cheesy holiday films in twenty four days. Why cheesy? Because the good stuff would be too easy and that just ain't no way to be a man. Nine days down, fifteen to go and I'm still rolling. Up until yesterday I'd been exclusively going with Hallmark Channel films but it got a little bumpy when I went outside the relationship and looked to ION Channel for a bit of Christmas cheer. I strayed, I was weak, I'm only human. But after a lot of begging and bargaining and promises of future fidelity, Hallmark Channel took me back. So forgiving, that's why I love them.

On to the movie of the day, All I Want for Christmas. I'm thinking that title was probably a compromise on the part of the produces since the original title, Who Wants to Bang My Mom? didn't fly with the Powers-That-Be over at Hallmark. Because really, what else would you call the story of a 10 year-old boy who enters a contest to have a holiday wish granted, and he wishes to get his widowed mom (Gail O'Grady) some dick for Christmas? Fine, the kid didn't actually put it that way. He says he wants to find her a husband because she's been lonely since his dad died eight years ago and he thinks she deserves to have someone in her life. But come on… really, what's that mean at the end of the day when the lights go out? Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'.

Of course the kid wins the contest (be a short flick if he didn't) and the toy company sponsoring the affair swoops in with national media attention to find mom some dick… I mean a man. So mom — Sarah's her name — is ambushed by all this and of course she's furious, her kid just pimped her out on national TV for crying out loud. With no intention of going through with the ridiculous charade she flat out refuses… for all of about twelve seconds, then has a change of heart. See, Sarah runs a homeless shelter and of course, being a Christmas movie, it's about to be closed down unless she can come up with the money to buy the place. So sweet Sarah decides to go along with the promotion on the condition that the toy company donate the funds needed to keep the shelter open. Now back in the day, a situation like that would have been remedied by someone jumping up on a soap box and shouting "Hey everybody, let's put on a show!" Then the community would rally together, put homeless guys on stage as the three wise-men, sing some songs, call it a Christmas pageant and raise the funds to save the center with talent and heart. Guess Sarah didn't have time for all that shit so she just figured to make it all by truckin' out that ass.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not calling Sarah a prostitute or anything… least not to her face.

Soon we get a dating montage as a wave of potential suitors start flowing through Sarah's bedchamber over the course of the next few weeks. Okay, we don't ever see any bed action, whore-like subtext aside, this is still the Hallmark Channel here. All they show is Sarah getting treated to a bunch of free meals in fancy eateries. I just like to imagine one or two of the dudes might have gotten the chance to blow the dust off her panties. Shit like that goes on in my head, I got issues, just accept it, get past it and we'll get along fine.

Then the movie moves into the second hour and things get complicated. More so for me because I fell asleep. Couldn't help it, this thing was beyond boring. You would think the notion of a MILF taking one (or a dozen) for the team, letting the highest bidder have her self-respect for a good cause would be enough to keep my attention. Sadly, no, they screwed that up. It was all a lot of talking and talking and more talking about feelings and… other crap I don't ever care about. I suppose I could catch another airing sometime down the road, but then there's that thing about me not caring so in light of that fact, yeah I'm not gonna bother. Besides, judging from the coziness O'Grady's displaying on the DVD cover with the guy who plays her next door neighbor, I'm assuming they get together in the end. It was a classic case of not seeing what's right in front of you the whole time and all that romantic comedy by the numbers bullshit. Of course I could be wrong, but again I don't care. (Man, my apathy is palpable here.)

Quick casting note, Robert Pine is in this movie as the president of the toy company. The boomers among you might remember him as the Chief on the 70s cycle cops show CHiPs. But of more contemporary importance, he's the father of Chris Pine who is currently rockin' it as Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek film franchise. So really I only mentioned daddy because it gives me an excuse to post a pic of the boy and his crew, thereby letting my geek flag fly in what's supposed to be a post about Christmas flicks. Gotta be who I am!

Come on Star Wars nerds, you want a piece of this?