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| When Dean Cain is your most famous face, you're in trouble. |
Kinda scary but nothing that will deter me. Just gonna have to pay closer attention in the future, start taking notes. Maybe start tagging the ones I've seen like they do with animals. Fortunately I had one in the DVR for just such an occasion, a back-up plan, The Case for Christmas staring Dean Cain. Didn't say it was a good back-up plan.
I was going to start off by saying that Dean Cain portrays a lawyer in this movie but that's not really the correct way to put it. That would've made it sound as if he acted like someone other than himself. Dean Cain doesn't act, he's just Dean Cain… in everything. Put tights and a cape on him and is he Superman? No, he's just Dean Cain in tights and a cape. Dress him up like a fireman and hey, Dean Cain's running around in rubber boots and an oxygen mask. Don't get me wrong, got nothing against the dude, seems like a nice guy and all. Although he was surprisingly life-like and convincing as Scott Peterson, that true-life douche who killed his pregnant wife Laci in that TV movie they made out of the tragedy. Heh heh, maybe he wasn't really acting in that one. Wait a minute… hold the phone… that could be it. That might have been when we saw the real Dean Cain and the rest of the time he's been doing the real acting job! Perhaps the real Dean Cain is a phenomenal assbag who wouldn't ever get hired if he was himself so he puts on an act and we're all buying into it. Maybe that's why he's such a one-note thespian, because he's putting all his acting energies into one magnificent performance piece that is the life and career of Dean Cain!
Oh my God I have got to get out of this house!
Look, I'm just gonna hit the high notes on this one really quick and then go get some air, maybe score some Starbucks. They still have Starbucks out in the world, right? It's been so long.
Okay, Dean Cain is a… he wears a suit, carries a briefcase and goes to court, make of it what you will. He's a single father with a daughter and a struggling practice. In desperate need of clients, he agrees to defend a man named Kris Kringle who's being sued in a class action suit by a bunch of disgruntled social retards who blame Kringle (aka Santa Claus… duh) for disappointing them as children. How a case like that even gets to court in the first place is not the problem here. The real problem is how this lawyer guy meets some old fat dude in a lobby somewhere, takes his crazy case, finds out the fat dude has no place to stay and invites him to crash at his place. Next scene Kringle is babysitting lawyer guy's 9 year-old daughter, reading her bedtime stories and tucking her in while daddy's at the office. Yeah, there's the Hallmark movie rule about taking in holiday strays and all but this is pushing it. Guess Cain's lawyer character didn't learn about pedophiles at whatever online college he attended. Thanks University of Pelham!
After that ridiculousness, a bunch of court room stuff happens and there's legal mumbo-jumbo and in the end case dismissed, Christmas is saved. Hooray. I didn't really care because I couldn't get into this one, too distracted by its stunning lack of Vivica Fox. She's been in like three of four of these so far and I've gotten kinda used to having her around. Checked her IMDB profile though and it looks like we've reached the limit, seen the only holiday films she's made, no more Foxy Chocolate for Ronny… until next year! Yeah, look what my girl is cooking up to give me next Christmas!
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| Just as the prophesy foretold! |
Yeah, she's coming back, people! Next year I'm gonna get me some more of the good stuff, gettin' me some duck-face because Ronny likes it pouty! That's right, Vivica Fox has died for your sins but she'll be back in time to save us all from the Mayan death clock and teach us the true nature of The Force! She is your master now, bitches!
Okay, I really need to get off this couch, take off this Snuggie and get out of the house like now!
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