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| My dream was for everyone to die in the end. Yeah, that didn't happen. Stupid dreams! |
Let's start at the beginning… because that's just what you do, dammit! Stop asking stupid questions! Sorry, two crappers in a row has left me a little punchy. Didn't mean to take it out on you. You know I love you. We good? Great, thanks for sticking around.
So Katie McGrath stars as Jules Daly, a sweet girl from Buffalo, NY whose older sister married a man who would've been king… if he hadn't gotten disowned for marrying below his station that is. Still they had a life together, had two kids and lived happily ever after right up until the moment they died… at Christmastime. (Another Hallmark holiday death. There's something I see every day.) So sweet Jules, barely in her twenties, gets stuck raising a 6 year-old girl with an eating disorder and a 12 year-old boy with anger issues. Thanks Sis!
When we meet Jules she's just gotten fired from her job, wrecked her car (because of the boy), has water damage in the home to deal with (because of the girl), found out that the boy is a shoplifter, she's generally getting douched on by the holidays and is at the end of her rope. This leads to the (unintentionally) funniest line of the film when she talks to a photo of Big Sis and says: "I'm in trouble… I wish you were here to tell me what to do." Completely oblivious to the irony that if Sis were alive and able to chat then there'd be no need for her to give advice on how to properly raise her rotten crotch fruit in the first place.
But help comes in the form of Paisley Winterbottom, (giggled about that name through the whole thing), Major Domo for the kid's paternal grandfather, the Duke of Castlebury played by Sir Roger Moore. It's SIR Roger of course because being old, British and in the entertainment biz is apparently all it takes to be a Knight of the Realm these days. I would personally love it if someone were to attack England right now just for the sublime spectacle of the aforementioned Sir Roger accompanied by Sirs Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart, Paul McCartney, Ian McKellen and Elton John all taking up arms and leading the charge to defend the Empire from the invading hoards. Worst. Round-table. Ever.
Meanwhile, back in the story, Winterbottom (giggle) whisks the brood away to England to reunite with their family for the holiday. After some awkward moments and scenes with the Duke and his remaining son the Prince, there's various bonding activities like decorating the ugliest tree on the planet, archery lessons, there's a grand ball. And there's a fox hunt! Because there's nothing so proper as dressing like lawn jockeys, getting on horses and chasing a small, frightened dog across the fields to show us uncivilized Yanks what it means to be British! Tally-Ho, bitches!
At one point the Prince teaches Jules to waltz. She returns the favor by pumping up the jam and teaching him to boogie. (Do people still say boogie? Didn't think so.) It's a disturbing scene made all at once offensive as hell when the music is stopped by the Prince's royal girlfriend who apologizes for interrupting their "little ghetto dance". A line delivered dripping with so much effete sarcasm and unnecessarily elongated vowels that you just want to beat her with a sock full of batteries and pass her around so all your homies can get a turn. They do stuff like that in the ghetto, right? I don't know, I don't actually come from the streets. ("Gee Ron, with your deft command of urban slang words like 'boogie' we really couldn't tell.")
On a side note, actress Charlotte Salt portrays the royal girlfriend and she, along with star Katie McGrath have both appeared on the Showtime series of violence, sex and betrayal The Tudors. I imagine that during breaks in filming they got together and talked about their days spent on the set of that show, getting naked and having series' star Jonathan Rhys Meyers hop up and down on top of them. You know, because they had that in common. And because I imagine weird shit like that.
This one's getting long kids and even I'm getting bored so I'm just gonna go ahead and wrap this up with spoilers. Everyone's problems get solved, the urchins find a new home, Grandpa Duke learns to smile, Winterbottom (giggle) gets a little on the side from the maid, the Prince dumps his royal bitch and puts his seal on the common girl, there's a wedding, horse-drawn carriage, happily ever after, I vomited, the end. Thank Christ.
But I'm still here! Come on Day 5, what you got?
When we meet Jules she's just gotten fired from her job, wrecked her car (because of the boy), has water damage in the home to deal with (because of the girl), found out that the boy is a shoplifter, she's generally getting douched on by the holidays and is at the end of her rope. This leads to the (unintentionally) funniest line of the film when she talks to a photo of Big Sis and says: "I'm in trouble… I wish you were here to tell me what to do." Completely oblivious to the irony that if Sis were alive and able to chat then there'd be no need for her to give advice on how to properly raise her rotten crotch fruit in the first place.
But help comes in the form of Paisley Winterbottom, (giggled about that name through the whole thing), Major Domo for the kid's paternal grandfather, the Duke of Castlebury played by Sir Roger Moore. It's SIR Roger of course because being old, British and in the entertainment biz is apparently all it takes to be a Knight of the Realm these days. I would personally love it if someone were to attack England right now just for the sublime spectacle of the aforementioned Sir Roger accompanied by Sirs Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart, Paul McCartney, Ian McKellen and Elton John all taking up arms and leading the charge to defend the Empire from the invading hoards. Worst. Round-table. Ever.
Meanwhile, back in the story, Winterbottom (giggle) whisks the brood away to England to reunite with their family for the holiday. After some awkward moments and scenes with the Duke and his remaining son the Prince, there's various bonding activities like decorating the ugliest tree on the planet, archery lessons, there's a grand ball. And there's a fox hunt! Because there's nothing so proper as dressing like lawn jockeys, getting on horses and chasing a small, frightened dog across the fields to show us uncivilized Yanks what it means to be British! Tally-Ho, bitches!
At one point the Prince teaches Jules to waltz. She returns the favor by pumping up the jam and teaching him to boogie. (Do people still say boogie? Didn't think so.) It's a disturbing scene made all at once offensive as hell when the music is stopped by the Prince's royal girlfriend who apologizes for interrupting their "little ghetto dance". A line delivered dripping with so much effete sarcasm and unnecessarily elongated vowels that you just want to beat her with a sock full of batteries and pass her around so all your homies can get a turn. They do stuff like that in the ghetto, right? I don't know, I don't actually come from the streets. ("Gee Ron, with your deft command of urban slang words like 'boogie' we really couldn't tell.")
On a side note, actress Charlotte Salt portrays the royal girlfriend and she, along with star Katie McGrath have both appeared on the Showtime series of violence, sex and betrayal The Tudors. I imagine that during breaks in filming they got together and talked about their days spent on the set of that show, getting naked and having series' star Jonathan Rhys Meyers hop up and down on top of them. You know, because they had that in common. And because I imagine weird shit like that.
This one's getting long kids and even I'm getting bored so I'm just gonna go ahead and wrap this up with spoilers. Everyone's problems get solved, the urchins find a new home, Grandpa Duke learns to smile, Winterbottom (giggle) gets a little on the side from the maid, the Prince dumps his royal bitch and puts his seal on the common girl, there's a wedding, horse-drawn carriage, happily ever after, I vomited, the end. Thank Christ.
But I'm still here! Come on Day 5, what you got?
I guess I'm a little behind here. Sounds like a terrible movie. Can't you give yourself credit for starting the movie and then turn it off partway through if it's that bad? I guess then you wouldn't have much to write about.
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