Day 12: JINGLE ALL THE… KILL ME!

Oh God, they could be trapped in there forever!
And that's really not such a bad thing.

Think I might have ruined the office Christmas party last night. Excuse me… Holiday party, damn liberals with your war on Christmas and all that. And ruined might be too strong a word, more like disrupted. This would be a real concern if it had been my office party or if I'd even been invited, but I don't work for those people, I don't know anything about selling insurance. I just wandered in off the street looking for a bathroom. I do feel bad about insulting the boss' wife though, she seemed like a nice lady. But this kinda thing is bound to happen when you play it on the cheap and throw an office party at the Olive Garden. Not my fault.

Why am I telling you this when I'm supposed to be talking about Christmas movies? (THAT'S RIGHT LIBERALS, I SAID CHRISTMAS!)

Young girl from a small town, just off the bus on the streets of Los Angeles with a suitcase full of memories, a heart full of hopes and head full of dreams. Three days later she's either hooking or dead. Yeah that crap might fly with any other girl and if this were an episode of Law and Order: Los Angeles Special Victims Murder Club or whatever the hell uber-producer Dick Wolfe is churning out these days. But not our girl, not the sweet little, ginger headed titular firecracker of Annie Claus is Coming to Town! No way she ends up flat on her back (either dead or otherwise engaged) behind a dumpster in some grimy alley. No matter how much we might wish her to.

Annie's come to the City of Angels to sow some wild oats before returning home in one month to lay claim to the family business. Why LA? We have pure random chance to thank for that, she chucked a dart at a globe and was off to wherever fate determined she would go. As you know from that last paragraph, she ends up in sunny LA, but I'd have given half my blood and week's pay to see that dart land on Saudi Arabia. Then it would have been Annie Claus is Coming to Town, but the Infidel Bitch Better Not Go Anywhere Without a Male Guardian Because Women Have No Rights Here. Probably would have done very well in the overseas markets. (They hate us out there.)

From the moment we meet Annie (and I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone here) you just want to snap her in the face with a wet towel. So bright and bubbly and cheerful and willing to do whatever she can — short of fellatio — to put a smile on the face of whomever she meets. She wishes people 'Merry Christmas' no matter what time of year it might be, she greets strangers with a hug, thinks every day can be magical and she firmly believes that there's nothing in life that hot cocoa and cookies can't make better. Actually, the cookies and cocoa thing is kinda nice. If fellatio wasn't such a deal breaker with her I might reconsider my position on the whole towel snapping thing. Why she gotta be like that?

While she's in LA, Annie meets a whole bunch of people, holiday movie fixture Vivica A. Fox among them (sans pouty duck-face, thankfully). She makes friends, she meets a guy, she gets a job, she meets another guy, she gets involved in a love triangle, she chooses the wrong guy, she directs a school pageant, she decorates everything she sees, she parties with orphans, she gets her heart broken then she goes home. All-in-all she has a pretty full month. Still, she leaves behind the guy she was meant to be with and goes back for him in the end. Good thing too because without her he was just sitting around all mopey and whiny and being a little bitch about how much he missed her and never got to tell her how he really felt. I mean really, it was pretty disgusting. What did she even see in him anyway?

Happy ending is achieved when the whiny little bitch agrees to leave LA and go live at the North Pole to help Annie run the family biz. Worth a mention is the PC nature of Santa's workshop. Not populated solely by caucasian elf dudes as is the traditional take, this workshop numbers people of all heights, races and sexes in its employ. All equal opportunity and whatnot, fair hiring practices and all that shit.

Damn liberals gotta go and ruin everything! I'm bitter!