DAY 15: I'M GETTIN' TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

Didn't wanna watch, but the dogs, man… 

the dogs told me to.

Haven't recapped for the new people in a few days. Yeah, as if there are any new people. But, in the interest of hope, here it is. The mission: 24 cheesy holiday films in 24 days, one a night from the first of December up to Christmas Eve. After that I'll take my television out back and shoot it, then have my sanity declared legally dead.

You see the picture over there? A Christmas Wedding Tail, yeah this film was about a pair of dogs that are the reason Thing 2 and Thing 1 there in the background got together. Yes, Thing 2 is Jennie Garth from 90210. (The TV show, not the zip code. I don't think she actually can afford to live there anymore.) I don't know who Thing 1 is, he may or may not have been out to read your meter last month for all I know. But wait, not only are the dogs the focus of the narrative, they actually are the narrators. YES! Jay Mohr and his wife Nikki Cox (Awesome name!) are the voices of Buddy the Retriever and Sherri the poodle, respectively. And despite the way the poster makes it look, the poodle was owned by the groom. (Suspect!)

Gonna say something about this film that — if you know me — will sound like a compliment, trust me though when I say I do not mean it that way. This movie was like porn. "What Ron? Then that must mean you loved it!" No, I said I didn't mean it as a compliment — for once — let me explain. Contrary to popular belief, sex scenes in porn are not scripted. The performers are simply directed to basically talk about whatever is happening to them at the time.

"Oh yeah! You're (BLANKING) my (BLANK) so hard!"

"Yeah, you like it when I (BLANK) your (BLANK)?"

"Yeah baby, (BLANK) on my (BLANKS)!"

Gonna stop now before Chris Hanson walks out of the kitchen, tells me to take a seat and asks me what I'm doing in my own house. And if you got that joke then you are alright in my book. Chris Hanson's the mother f@%king man!

Sorry, got very off track with that one. My bad. But the way porn scenes are made, that's what this movie felt like. I doubt there was an actual script. I think the director put Jennie Garth and Thing 1 in random scenes and just told them to wing it based on whatever the hell they were supposed to be doing.

"Hey look, um… our dogs seem to like each other."

"Yes… they sure do. Want to go on a date?"

"Okay. Well… um… my dog's name is Buddy and I like food."

"My dog's name is Sherri and I love you. What… too soon? I don't have words to say."

I know that technically this method of acting is known as improv, but that's only when it's done by professionals like Steve Carell and Wayne Brady. In the hands of amateurs it's terrible, kinda the way that surgery performed by amateurs is considered murder. 

I was embarrassed for everyone in this movie. They just looked mortified to be a part of it. I'm sure even the dogs fired their agents after this thing was done shooting. Oh yeah, the story, such as it was went something like: Boy's dog meets girl's dog, boy and girl fall in love, boy is a widower with two daughters, girl is a widow with three sons, boy and girl get engaged, kids hate it, there's conflict, bunch of montage scenes about picking wedding planners, cakes, wedding singers and dresses, boy and girl break up over dumb shit — totally girl's fault (bitch) — kids get boy and girl back together, boy and girl become man and wife on Christmas Day. At the ceremony the dogs become rabid and eat the flower girl but are destroyed by Animal Control officers before they can totally devour the ring bearer. Kid lives, grows up to be a scarred and bitter man with a hatred of Christmas and canines. Begins a string of holiday home invasions wherein he bashes the family dog to death with a wooden club. Media dubs him the Yule Log Killer, a nation-wide manhunt tracks him down and finds him hiding out in a bunker under RNC Headquarters in Washington, DC.

Okay, somewhere in there the actual film and the fantasy in my head merged and I'm not really sure where that happened. But my version is better than the one they had so let's go with it, my idea of a happy ending. Of course I might be biased… you know, what with my meds having run out three days ago and all. No worries.

"Yo Ronny, you ready to watch another movie, baby?"

Indeed I am, voice of deceased funk legend Rick James. How'd you get in my head?