DAY 20: NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH GAY APPAREL.

"It's not just me, you see her
up there too, right?"

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall Cherish and Voodoo and Desire and Luscious? You probably don't because they're not some imaginary flying horned dogs, they're real people (sorta), flesh and blood and bone. They put that flesh on display working as dancers over at Blue Ballz, but not anything like the Dancer that Rudolph knew. There is a girl named Vixen working down there though, so that's a weird coincidence. And there was a chick named Prancer but she came to a bad end, owed money to the wrong people. They found her stuffed in a chimney somewhere a couple years ago and… Oh, I just got the irony in that.

I mention those ladies because I'm wondering how come during this month of holiday movies… hell, forget this past month, try never in my life have I seen a movie about Christmas magic coming to people like the staff down at Blue Ballz? Girls working the pole or the street or the docks, the library or wherever else such women hang out to ply their trade. Didn't know you could get a lap dance down at the local library, did you? Things change, harsh economy breeds desperate times and even more desperate librarians, take advantage fellas. God knows I do. But where's their story? Where's their Christmas miracle? What's the message here, people? Those girls don't deserve a happy ending now and again? Other than the happy endings they usually deal with that is.

I might have felt differently had that been the deal with Debbie Macomber's Call Me Mrs. Miracle. (Yeah, another one by that Macomber bitch, just slapping her name on everything.) Doris Roberts stars as the titular… angel… ghost… magic elf… Santa in drag? I was never quite sure, they were pretty vague about that. She basically just shows up, gets in everyone's business, meddles in their affairs, somehow everything works out in the end and then she walks off and vanishes into thin air. It was pretty much the same as the character she played in Everybody Loves Raymond, except for the vanishing part. Of course I'm only assuming she never vanished on the show, I never watched it, everybody loved Raymond but me.

My wife informed me that this was the second Mrs. Miracle movie staring Roberts. Guess they're trying to build a franchise around the old girl. Emphasis on the word 'old' so yeah, good luck with that Hallmark. When I heard that, I was afraid that maybe I wouldn't be able to catch up with the complex story lines that must surely have carried over from the first one. Luckily for me my wife actually watches dreck like this of her own freewill (I know, right!) and she'd seen the first one, assured me there was no carry over, that this film would stand alone and I could easily follow it. Whew… relief! So like part one of the series, part two involves Mrs. Miracle swooping her old ethereal ass into the lives a couple of people with first-world problems. (Love that phrase.) There's Holly (They love using that name in these things.) A single woman with no kids of her own (for a change) but she is caring for her nephew Gabe whose mom is dead and dad had been deployed to Iraq. (This was last year when we were still doing that.) Obviously I'm not gonna say anything about Holly's situation, she's doing a good thing there so she gets a pass. There are those who might call my objectivity and integrity into question for that (and you know who you are) but go suck a carrot, I'm not ragging on Iraq war hero story lines. Besides, there's so much more fodder to be found in the story of Jake, son of a wealthy department store mogul who's been having a rough go of it getting his dad to believe in Christmas since mom died… on Christmas Eve of course, twenty f@%king years ago. Since that day they've taken an annual Christmas trip to the Virgin Islands to hide out and avoid the holidays altogether. Really? The guy's biggest problem in life is a yearly trip to a resort and he needs help from on high?

Remember Voodoo, one of the girls I mentioned before? Yeah, her annual problems around the holidays are things like being able to afford keeping the heat on, having to go down on the landlord when she falls short with the rent, hoping all three of her latch-key kids will be there alive and healthy when she gets home after pulling a double shift.

But Voodoo will work shit out for herself Mrs. Miracle, you go ahead and help Jake fall in love with Holly and then reconnect with his rich father. Well worth your time. Don't worry about Voodoo, she'll be… hold on, just been told that Voodoo died last night. Tragic accident at the club, seems they don't make poles like they used to… and she'd put on a few pounds in recent years, dangerous combination. Oh well. So where you off to now Mrs. M? Going to help a busy lawyer and his doctor wife find time this busy holiday season to take their kids on a ski vacation so they can bond on the slopes of Aspen? Well that's just awesome. You go girl! Can't wait to check that out in part 3.

Quick thought before you go Mrs. M, the State's going over to pick up Voodoo's three kids later today, think maybe you could…? No? At least maybe help keep them together for the holidays? Not even gonna…? They can go stand on their heads in hell for all you care? Alrighty then.

And a Merry Christmas to you Mrs. Miracle!